Has anyone 'reclaimed' themselves after realising they've neglected themselves?

[Whatsername17]

I have always been a people pleaser. If i can help, I will and often to the detriment of myself. At work and in my private life. My dh takes me for granted. I do all of the family stuff whilst he indulges his many projects. My eldest dd is starting to do the same. I put everyone else's needs and wants before my own so often, I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what hobby I would like to do if I had time. I don't know what I like. I feel so sad. How can I change this? I need to do something because I can't go on like this.

I found myself in this position last year, when I discovered that my husband was having an affair. We have 5 DC. Losing yourself over time is so easily done. I've spent the last year remembering who I am and rediscovering my passions. Be brave - it's empowering and so worth it. I will never let myself disappear like that again.

What did you enjoy doing when you were a child? It's usually the key to rediscovering ourselves.
Eg I would stay up late making things out of paper until my mum would find me in the dark with a glue stick in my hand! This is when I realised a couple of years ago that I missed this. I've since taken up a painting class and I make little box frame pictures when I get the time. I also used to enjoy going to a swimming class as a child, so I took up swimming... need to get back into that one though! I also used to love music and would sing in my bedroom into a hairbrush! That's when I realised I'd even stopped listening to music. I've since started again.
Tune into the child in you. You'll find your answers there.

Thing is if you martyr yourself for someone it doesn't make them happy. It especially doesn't make them car for, love or respect you. It doen't sound like you're happy in this marriage at all.

I'm trying to reclaim myself after ea and controlling relationship. If I could just get some sleep I'm sure it would make a difference.

I'm trying to reclaim myself after ea and controlling relationship. If I could just get some sleep I'm sure it would make a difference.

Re the hobbies. Get yourself a Pinterest account and start making boards of things that interest you.
Ideas for hobbies will naturally start to appear.

Thank you all for the advice it helps. I spoke to dh last night and he actually put up zero fight or resistance. He said he'd got to the point that where he was thinking 'well what's wont want to do anything so I might as well do x,y and z'. He accepted this was selfish but it's the pattern we have fallen into. I've told him I'm going to be doing something for myself every day. It's tiny things like fancying having a long soak in the bath, but then he says 'I'm going for a bath' and I say nothing, then there is no hot water left. That's on me - he can't know I wanted a bath if I don't tell him. I also said no to something earlier. Mil wants everyone to come for Sunday lunch on Sunday. She ways commanders mothers day and fathers day. Usually I take the kids to see my parents (whilst dh stays at home doing whatever he wants) then rush back and we all go to his parents and then mothers/fathers day is all about them. This time, I said no. I didn't consult dh, I just said no. I don't want to have dinner there and be stuck there for hours. I've to dh he is coming with me to my parents and we will call into his parents for half an hour. He's agreed with full support. Mil isn't happy and wants to know what we are doing instead. I told her it was a secret as it was all played out in a group whatsapp. It's a small thing, but I feel much better. Dh admitted he is crap at thinking about what we need as a family. He said half the time it doesn't occur to him because I just do it. He also admitted that when he does jobs around the house he does view it that he is doing them 'for me' rather than because it's his house and he is a grown up. It's a step in the right direction anyway. I just need to figure out what I want to do in terms of having something for myself.

Sounds like you might be a codependant.

I can relate to a lot of what you've said about losing yourself.

Hello OP,

Take a look at The Drama Triangle ...are you a rescuer? I know that I can have rescuer tendencies but that self awareness has made me much better.

I try now to make sure I put my needs first and I practice saying the word "no" as nicely as possible.

My life is much much more balanced as a result.

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It changed my life at the end of my first year studying. We got a cleaner. I have started singing in choirs again, not regularly, but a couple of singing weekends a year. I take myself off to 5 cultural things every year.

Also reading mn has raised my self esteem and I no longer put up with shit from DH. I no longer accept everything he says as true and fact check it. I was dependant on him because I couldnt speak the language but now I can.

Oh this is sooooo me -
I realised the other day when I met my daughters for lunch and they told the waiter I didn't need chips with my meal - I actually wanted chips ! But I went without (and paid the bill) - it made me realise that they assume they know better than me - and they are my children - and let me point out - I'm not overweight - or a binge eater etc etc - I'm just a normal person !

I answer work emails when they come in - have answered two already - it's not even 07:30 yet !

I must really stop trying to please everyone else ALL the time !!

So watching with interest !

I'm similar op. My self esteem is bound up in being approved of and liked by everybody and I find it really hard to deal with conflict and disapproval.

It's crippling, and limiting. I'm beginning to see I've spent the last decade taking care of everyone else but not myself.

I think I need to Woman up and put some boundaries down. Anyway, following with interest.

Tonight, I'm dyeing my hair. I need a self esteem boost. I'm on maternity leave so I can't justify spending a fortune. I'm doing a home colour instead. It could be quite complete disaster but I want to do it. So I am.

Good first move!

Good first move!

Great steps forward. It is promising that your DH didn't disagree. The important part is to keep the conversation going so it doesn't get forgotten. How's the hair?
Things I love doing for myself:
Painting nails
Wondering round charity/vintage/antique shops
Reading
Baking

Excellent. That should be your new mantra. I want to, so I am.

Hair colour is on. Just done my nails. I think 'I want to, so I am' is an awesome mantra. Dh came home amd adjectives to 'check in' which is a therapy strategy we've got out of the habit of using. He'd thought about some of the stuff I said yesterday and he'd thought about a lot of what I'd said and realised I was right. He's asked me if he can give me some of his inheritance money so I can get myself some new clothes as I never buy myself anything. He is trying. I'm a bit more hopeful than I was yesterday.

Same here, until I turned forty, now nobody likes me because I'm not nice anymore(read as put everyone else first relentlessly) can I hang out here because the tide has well and truly turned, best wishes to everyone on this journey with me, its more effective in a group I think!

Good luck op, sounds like a step in the right direction.

I had similar realisation after having a baby. For the first time in my life I couldn't just do what I fancied when I fancied it. My partner didn't make any effort to help. I'd rush off to tesco when baby fell asleep just to get outside and do something for me. It got worse when I returned to work and tried to be superwoman rushing around. Eventually I went on strike, only did stuff for myself and baby. This resulted in my partner pissing off and having an affair - it turned out my only purpose had been as his servant.

It's encouraging that your partner has acknowledged that you are right. Keep talking and work together to make sure you both get time for yourselves. My ex was a twat but I was a bit of a martyr and should have just said "I'm going out on Sunday to see friends" etc.

So in answer to your original Q, yes, I truly believe you can 'reclaim' yourself after a period of neglect and I also believe that your DH will really notice the different and you might be pleasantly surprised at his response!! Oh and also...I 've found that what makes men happy isn't just giving them what they want but also them looking after, serving and doing things for us. If men don't feel needed (because women are doing everything) I think that makes them feel unhappy (even if they don't realise) and that's when they can look elsewhere for that feeling of being needed....