Gambling trust should I just call it a day

[Rosiebee247]

Hi, been married 5 years 2 children and 2 from my previous relationship, the relationship has been rocky many ups and down. I lost someone really close to me, unexpectedly, last year and took it bad, however I'm getting there surely and this aside I have had a great year. I've started university as a mature full time student and received excellent grades, it’s been hard with children and a part time job as my husband helps very little in the house and I have been staying up until stupid o’clock to get my assignments done, but I've got through my first year and can now relax and enjoy my children until September.
My husband on the other hand is causing me problems after a crappy Christmas (the first since losing the person close to me) my husband took me out for the evening we were having a great time until the end of the night , after one too many, he decided to tell me about someone that he really fancied, had done for ages apparently, I walked out of the bar and went home. Next day full of apologies it was the drink talking etc etc usual BS.
When I started University, he suggested that it would be a good idea to have separate finances I had my student loan, part time income, family allowance etc and he had his wages. I have stupidly paid all the bills, rent, childcare, food, things for the kids ever since and now have to increase my hours at work over the summer. We have discussed this, argued about this and he said it would change and he would start contributing more. We had a few letters yesterday regarding his unpaid credit card bills I confronted him about it and said I was now going to take control of all the household income as I am struggling financially and he obviously cannot budget. I found his online banking passwords logged in and discovered he has taken out a massive overdraft (£1000, a lot of money to me as a student with 4 children, and gambled it all away I couldn't believe my eyes and felt sick. Only a couple of weeks ago we had decided to change and make more of an effort in our relationship to make it work, now I don't know what to think!!

Does he know you know about the overdraft? Can you be sure the £1K is all that's gone?

You are going to have to have the conversation and sooner rather than later before he can do any more damage. Once you've had it you can gauge his mood and whether he's ready to give up. If he's not there won't be anything you can say or do to make him and that's the point at which you can start making decisions about your future. In the meantime protect your own finances. Make sure he can't access them and insist he transfers you a proper contribution to the household expenses. That will give you an idea of the true lay of the land.

It's not just the gambling though is it? Seems like he is giving you nothing but grief all round and this is not just a recent blip. If you stayed with him, ask yourself honestly why.

Yes he knows I know, he doesn't seem to think its a big issue but I do I'm working my butt off studying, looking after the children and working part time and I'm skint yet he thinks its perfectly acceptable to take out a £1000 overdraft and gamble it away. He wants to try again says it was in the past (happened a couple of months ago but I only found out yesterday). I have my own account which all the bills, childcare etc come out of which he hasn't got access to. He says he will transfer some money into my account regularly but he's said that before and it never happens, I feel like a complete mug! Your right HerOtherHalf he gives me nothing but grief and something else to worry about which I really don't need.

If you're going to stay with him, I'd get on permanent birth control.

And you are with him still because...

I have to look at you in all this as well; you're basically enabling him and that only gives you a false sense of control.

You are with a gambler and life with such a person is basically lurching from one crisis to another. Its not working and clearly has not been working for some considerable time. What you know as well is probably just the tip of a very large iceberg.

Protect your own self and your children now before you get further dragged down by him into his pit. I would seek legal advice now re separation and divorce.

I am, I already feel like I have an additional child with him, although my children don't give me half as much grief

That's what I feel he is doing, dragging me down! I'm doing well, I'm making something of myself and feel like I'm going somewhere with my life and then he just throws a spanner in the works and I'm distracted and go off track because of his stupidity. But, and I know it sounds cheesy/cringey/corny/stupid but I love him, I don't particularly like him, but I do love him and I worry about the children my eldest have already been through one divorce and my youngest child adores him.

I think I am enabling him he behaves stupidly then after a while I forgive him (but don't really) then he does something else stupid and so it continues. The gambling happened a few months ago he admits that it was stupid but just wants to forget about it and move on however, I don't know how he could hide this from me and it makes me think what else is he hiding. It is just the tip of a very big iceburg but he cannot understand why I am so upset by it, he said that its not like it was our money and we never had it in the first place, he just cannot see that we are now another £1000 in debt with nothing to show for it and that at some point it is going to have to be paid back If I hadn't discovered this yesterday I would never have known don't know whether that would be a good or bad thing, sorry I'm venting I'm fuming knowing he has borrowed then gambled away £1000 makes me feel sick and its not the direction I want to go in. I feel like I take two steps forward in life then he brings me back three if that makes sense

"But, and I know it sounds cheesy/cringey/corny/stupid but I love him, I don't particularly like him, but I do love him and I worry about the children my eldest have already been through one divorce and my youngest child adores him".

What is your definition of love here, is being with a man better than being on your own. You and your children are being dragged down with him.

Do you love him or are you confusing love with codependency?. I put it to you that you are also codependent and in turn putting his needs above yours and your children. You can't stay simply because your youngest child adores the man; you do not, you do not even like the man very much. So how can you possibly write that you love him?

And there is that word "adore" again. Children are programmed to love their parents no matter how crap they actually are. This man you are with could end up making your family unit destitute through gambling. I would think that you have no idea either about the full extent of his losses. Have you ever seen a poor bookie OP; no neither have I.

You should be worried about your children as well but in a different way to how you have framed it. They are learning from you also about relationships here; is this the model you want to teach them?. You're currently showing them that this is acceptable to you on some level. You're showing them too that a loveless marriage is also their norm.

The late Robin Williams once said this:-

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Its not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone".

He's probably also told you as well that he will stop after winning big; they never win big and he will always want to gamble.

You have a choice re this individual; they do not.

The debt is his to worry about, not yours. He ran it up, he works out how to pay it off but don't let him siphon off what he should be contributing to the household in favour of paying his creditor(s). He needs to make the connection between action and consequence and that is something family with all the best intentions can be very good at shielding the gambler from.

The reason he asked for separate finances was to stop you finding out which in turn is an indication he doesn't want to stop. It's always a good thing to find out there's a gambling problem however awful the extent of the debt and deception turns out to be. This way you can take steps to protect your own position and prevent him doing even more harm.

You already feel he's holding you back. Trust your gut instinct before he has a chance to drag everyone down with him.

Maybe loves the wrong word then maybe I just care about him. I feel like a failure my first husband did something similar and if anyone I knew told me that their partner had done the same i would give the same advice you have given me, its just a lot harder when your in the position to have to tell your children that their dad is leaving and also hard to tell him that I want to call it a day. I know it would be the right decision in the long run. Since returning back to education I feel like he his holding me back abit, I'm trying so hard to better myself/us and he seems to be doing the complete opposite.
I don't think, overall, he dies have a gambling problem he likes to put a few pounds in the machines every now and again but would never dream he would gamble away £1000 so maybe he has and I just don't know the full extent of the problem.
He said he was depressed at the time but I just think that is an excuse. I have depression and anxiety and I have been telling him for months how I am feeling and that I need more support but sadly he just dismisses it and tells me to lighten up and be grateful for what I have (easier said than done) and here he is piling more stress and worry on top of me.
Spot on quote from Robin Williams, their is nothing worse than feeling lonely while in a relationship.

don't think, overall, he dies have a gambling problem he likes to put a few pounds in the machines every now and again but would never dream he would gamble away £1000 so maybe he has and I just don't know the full extent of the problem.

That is it; you do not and likely will not know the full extent of his losses. I doubt very much that he knows either actually. What is a gambling problem to you; putting a few quid in the machines is also gambling and he has now lost a further £1000; that money could have gone towards the family's everyday living costs. He has in effect taken food away from them and given it to the bookies.

I would also think that your depressed and anxious state would lift a lot if you and he were to now part. He is likely to be the root cause of all this and your children are seeing all this at first hand from you as well. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

You are in no way a failure but you do need to address why you have gone on to choose someone who seems awfully similar to your ex husband. Your childhood needs to be considered here; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. It seems that your own boundaries in relationships are still too low and need more fine tuning. Womens Aid Freedom Programme could be of real benefit to you here.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here about that from you both?

He says that sometimes I talk to him like he is a child and wonders why!! I think he contributes alot to my depression and anxiety as he gives me extra things to worry about. I know this is not how a relationship should be and wish he would be more supportive and take some of the stress off me instead of contributing to it. We generally get on well, as friends, he's just not great at the actual adult stuff.
I never entered the relationship knowing he was like this I have known him for years prior to us getting together and one thing I liked about him was his honesty and the fact that he was not greedy (unlike my ex) his behavior this past year has been out of character for him he's become greedy, nasty and selfish during what has been one of the most, if not the most, difficult year of my life and I'm so upset and disappointed in the way he has behaved

But it isn't in the past. Until he pays it all back and regains your trust, it is very much part of your present and future. Don't allow yourself to be fobbed off with excuses (unless you are ready to move on from it)

We had a few letters yesterday regarding his unpaid credit card bills

Bills, plural? So he has also taken out several credit cards and has been gambling on those.

Plus all of his wages every month, as you've been paying for everything out of your own money.

I strongly suggest you sign up with noddle.co.uk and run a free credit check on him. It will list the amount of secured and unsecured debt he has, usually updated to within 28 days.

You cannot fix this man. If he has changed character, it's up to him to work out why and fix himself.

Noddle is a very good idea. Check with Clearscore and MSE's credit club too. They are all offered by different credit reference agencies and lenders may differ in the ones they report to. I really would urge you to dig for the truth. The change in behaviour you describe is a classic indicator of problems. Their losses mount, their worries mount and their families take the brunt of it.