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Original poster

Ex H expecting me to pay for his recreation

42 replies

toitoi · 15/06/2017 07:10

My two children have turned out to be good at an expensive sport. I don't do this sport at all and my ex does it occasionally, recreationally and not well. The kids have won a coaching scholarship - 10 Sundays, full coaching for a big long day. There is still a cost and it is quite significant and we have agreed to share that. Sunday is always his day and initially we agreed he would go. It is a difficult drive needing a decent vehicle - he took the good car and I have an old banger. Now he wants me to pay for half of the fees to allow him to take part - this is not necessary for the kids. All that is required is transporting them and waiting around. Of course he can take part if he wants, but I don't see why I should have to pay $350 for his recreation I have suggested that I pay towards petrol money instead or else we will do 5 Sundays each. He is having a tantrum.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 15/06/2017 07:16

No you shouldn't have to pay for him, no way. Shouldn't really need to pay for his fuel either to be honest. You sound very reasonable and fair with your suggestions.

WinchestersInATardis · 15/06/2017 07:17

I think tantrum is the right word there. If the children can participate without him joining in, then him choosing to is his choice and his money.

Bluerose27 · 15/06/2017 07:19

Nope, fairest is 5 Sundays each as you've suggested. Or petrol money (half the total cost if he's going to do all ten weeks as you should do 5 and he should do 5 so he'd be paying for petrol half the time anyway)

He's chancing his arm! Maybe you suggest that you could do the activity instead and he could give you the $350 so you could have a go!

FluffyWhiteTowels · 15/06/2017 07:34

Cheeky fecker. Tell him you'll do the Sundays and need the good car back

Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 07:37

God no, I don't want to do it. I'd rather sit in a frozen puddle all day. Which is pretty much what it is anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 07:40

And I would rather not pay him for the fuel as in the summer I drove the kids a 120 km round trip everyday for a fortnight for their swimming lessons and he refused to help at all.

OP posts:
sparkleandsunshine · 15/06/2017 07:53

Do not give him a penny! Not even for petrol!!! Remind him of the driving to and from swimming and say that as he wouldn't help there you don't see why you should help with his travel cost and if HE wants to do something that isn't required for the kids to be able to do this then HE should pay for it!! If you decided to do something with your kids I bet he wouldn't want to contribute towards your cost. That's not fair.

TestTubeTeen · 15/06/2017 07:56

What is going to happen when the scholarship runs out? Are you going to drop the sport or pay to let the kids continue?

Do you live in an isolated rural area, that you had to do all that driving for swimming lessons? Life seems quite stressful if so much petrol is an issue between warring exes and for kids activities. It's not going to improve.

He is being 100% unreasonable , UNLESS the kids are not allowed to take part unless he does too.

Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:01

Trying not to war, but things should be vaguely equitable. And I am trying not to let the fact that he left a 25 year relationship for some tart cloud my judgement at all - oh no! Yes, I do live in a very isolated place. Nearest supermarket is 80 km away. The season for the sport will be over around the same time that the scholarship runs out. I am nervous he is going to put the brakes on the kids taking up the scholarship at all to spite me.

OP posts:
Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:03

And the kids do not need him right there. They need a lift up the mountain, lunch and a lift down. That's it. But the car needs chains and I don't even have a decent car, never mind the ability to drive in tricky conditions

OP posts:
Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:04

And the kids get lots of other opportunities to take part in the sport through school and a club they are in. The coaching is a development programme with international coaches.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/06/2017 08:14

Your suggestions are more than reasonable.

I think a 50/50 split of the driving is the best idea.

If you agreed to split the driving, how would you manage it with your old car though?

If he tried to stop it to spite you, could you do the full 10 weeks?

Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:17

I would drive to the bottom of the mountain and then take the special bus. The nice car is still half mine. I could push taking that. He would hate that cos I let the kids eat in the car and generally don't care about my car at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:18

I really don't think I could manage every week though. I already work full time and have another evening job and these days would be very long.

OP posts:
Isetan · 15/06/2017 08:19

He's clearly not going to be supportive, so you need to have a conversation with yourself about how your kids can engage in activities that require so much travel. 120 km round trips for swimming lessons are ridiculous, rural locations aren't conducive to children who want to participate in formal activities which are located in areas where there is a population.

I think you need to be honest with your children about the practical and financial implications of their choices on the family as a whole. It's difficult when the aspirations of our children don't gel with realities of the families personal circumstances. As much as I admire the endeavours of top athletes, I know that it isn't just down to them, the sacrifices of their families play a significant part in their success. Unfortunately, not all family situations are able to support the enormous sacrifices that such dedication and excellence demand.

It's time to be frank with your kids.

Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:30

Isetan, unless I make an effort, my kids will have no opportunities. This is the case for all people who live in rural New Zealand and is a fact of life here. I have to drive an hour to get groceries. Compared to many, this is not considered particularly isolated. The sport is actually quite local to us, but the road is slow going and difficult. I made the choice about swimming as did all the other school parents here. It was just something we have to do.

OP posts:
TestTubeTeen · 15/06/2017 08:32

OK, well he is a complete bastard, we can all agree on that!

But. You are conceding that it is a big commitment in terms of being tiring and a long day. Does ex also work f/t?

Who initiated putting the kids up for this scholarship? If him, he can suck up the commitment. If you, I think you need to do your share, but NOT pay for him.

Reasonable to ask to use the big car, not reasonable to leave it sticky and full of litter. But the shuttle bus sounds a good option.

My worry is that next year the kids will be wanting / expecting to do 'tis all over again..,.and you won't be able to afford it and it is an ongoing fulcrum of battle.

plasticcheese · 15/06/2017 08:35

I wouldn't pay a penny nor do the driving. I'm assuming your kids are aware of the scholarship, so if he decides not to take them then they will know that it's dad who has scuppered this opportunity.

WateryTart · 15/06/2017 08:37

Tell him to get lost. Bloody cheek.

Original poster
toitoi · 15/06/2017 08:51

School put up the kids for the scholarship. He was all for it until I baulked at paying for his pass. Yeah, there might be the opportunity next year. Don't know. And the big car is not his. It is mine too!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 15/06/2017 09:01

Cheek! Him not you.

123MothergotafleA · 15/06/2017 09:02

Doesn't he work at all?
He sounds like a cocklodger to me.
You work full time and then an evening job! Jesus you are worn out love.
Get the bastard to do his share of the job, or has he started a second brood with the young damsel?

Mix56 · 15/06/2017 09:02

he left you, you do 2 jobs to support yourself & DC. & he wants you to pay for his participation in this activity.
& then he wants you to pay for participating....& if you don't he might not take them as retaliation.
What a peach.
The answer is no, you don't work 2 jobs to finance his fun time, if he can't afford it, then he can take them, wait about then bring them home.
(Is there any chance of sharing the driving with other families going?)

Mix56 · 15/06/2017 09:02

oops, messed up, but you get my drift!

123MothergotafleA · 15/06/2017 09:05

Yea 56, my thoughts exactly.
Some people...............

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