Dear goDr help me ladies ... peri infatuation

[overmyovaries]

I cannot tell anyone about this IRL, am far too embarrassed

I have developed the most intense, all-consuming crush on someone I see through a hobby. He is 10 years younger than me and has done nothing to encourage sad old me, silly old bag! And even if he did I don't believe in cheating.

I guess this is some sort of limerence thing. Probably something to do with perimenopause (am 40, history of early meno in our family) .. ?

My relationship with DP is less than perfect and I'm acutely aware this infatuation could well some sort of reaction to that...

Still, What am I supposed to do until this passes??

I cannot laugh with DP about it. He'd not see the funny side at all, understandably really.

Ladies, slap me round the face with a wet kipper please.

Oh fuckity fuck my name change failed.

What is the hobby? Is it worth all this anguish or are you enjoying it? How long have you felt like this? Perhaps it's a short term madness and you might soon wonder what you were seeing in him. By the way not many relationships are perfect because we are not perfect. Just laugh about it and for goodness sake don't take it seriously.

Oh dear, nothing wrong with a little bit of a crush but it seems like this has gone beyond that, can you take a break from the hobby for a bit?

Have you done anything about the problems with your partner? Suggested councelling etc? As you're right that issues with him won't be helping this situation.

I could have one of those mystery mumsnet hobbies

Nah, it's painting and drawing. I had to sketch his face the other day .

Thankfully there is a break coming up as it's in a college and course stops during summer. But I love it, I mean really love it, so will start again in September.

Counselling.... mmm, not sure. Could try. It's a sex thing, we are practically in a sex-free relationship largely because I (generally) have no libido, which makes all this a lot weirder!

Haha oh dear about having to draw his face! A summer break could be a good thing. Is it always life drawing or you you draw other stuff? A bowl of fruit would be less exciting!

Have you been to the doctors about the libido thing, because that could be connected to your perimenopause couldn't it? Are you on any sort of medication?

Well, I hope you seized your chance and spent ages stroking his face and tilting it for the light.

Is the perimenopause often associated with hormonal upheavals and sexual strangeness? I remember reading Diana Athill had a lovely sort of affair (with her husbands full knowledge) before she hit the menopause. Although, thinking about it, she may just have had lots of affairs....

Sorry, I'm no help.....

Right so you have no libido yet you have a crush on someone? I bet you every penny in my bank account that you DO have a libido but its dead and buried with your current partner. It never ceases to amaze me how many women have lost their sex drive only for it to miraculously reappear when someone new pops on their radar.
I think maybe your relationship has run its course.

It's not a particularly sexual crush.... I just esteem him :) I realise how ridiculous this sounds....

There is a medical reason for the libido issue about which not much can be done unfortunately :(

There was no face stroking, Alas :) that made me laugh! Bowl of fruit, will suggest that to the teacher ...

I think i'm just gonna go with it in my head I stress until it passes and whilst trying to have a final push at reviving my actual real life relationship.

Can you try to focus on his negative qualities? Look out for a little fault and then once you have spotted it, it will be all that you can see?

Whatever you do, don't tell him!

Ah I see. Apologies for my sweeping generalisation. However I do still wonder if your current relationship is making you happy? You describe it as less than perfect is this something that can be worked on ?

If you only see him at drawing class, you don't actually know him. He could well be flatulent and sulky and mean with money and critical of how you dress and breathe and spoil for arguments and never clean the bathroom or vote UKIP or spend his days in a mellow confusion of dope smoking.

Can you spend some time with your DH and make some plans for things you'd love to do together that would be exciting?

Can you be a bit rational about what feelings you get from the crush (excitement, adventure, fun, hope for the future, fantasy etc) and work out what else you could do to generate the same levels of excitement without endangering your marriage?

You can ask for your name to be changed for this post by reporting it to MN. They are good about that kind of thing.

I had a bit of this happen a coup,e of years back. A young man who was perfect in every way came into my orbit and turned me into a gibberish wreck. I couldn't string a sentence together when he was around. Mortifying, like being a teenager again.

It is what it is. Life goes on.

Thank you all, sensible and wise ladies of mumsnet.
He has freakishly long, bizarre, fingers, I'll focus on that. Definitely not a UKIPper though :)If he were no bucket of cold water would be needed ...

And sorry for being too flippant, I've had a towering infatuation that went on and on and wasn't much fun.

I have a safe crush now on an actor. I spend a lot of time having conversations with him in my head .

Hah yes focus on the weird fingers I had a massive crush on David Ginola until he went on Star in Their Eyes as Sacha Distel, it was so painful I went right off him.

Maybe give the actor thing go like Notoast says, find someone hot on TV to go gooey over, maybe draw them too. I recommend Tom Hardy and please send me all completed drawings!

But seriously it does sound like you do have an awful lot going on so don't beat yourself up over this, like you said have another go at trying to salvage your relationship if that's what you want, just look after yourself really.

Maybe the bowl of fruit would help you with your 5 a day?

donajimena no worries. And as to whether it can be worked on, I'm not sure. I need to think.

milliflori I can be totally rational about what it is that I find attractive, and strangely they are all things absent in my partner.
picklemepopcorn you have it exactly right. Intensity of a teen crush. Think is, I'very had precisely 4 of these in my life. I'm not very attracted to most blokes!

Notoast and for that reason an actor will. Not. Do! I never fancy any of them! Honestly.

cakecakecheese perhaps what I need to do is convince the object of my affection to go on Stars in their Eyes. Yes! And be someone vile like one of the Gallagher/ Oasis brothers. He would then be dead to me

And terylene yeah 5 a day. I could do with that, ha ha ...

Thanks ladies. Your good humour and sage advice has been so helpful.

Never say never.

I'm similar to you, very, very rarely fancy anyone but when I fall, I fall hard. My last real life infatuation was 15 years ago, I'm single and whiling away the decades now with my true actor luff.

Ha! Notoast, we must be extremely choosy or just downright weird. Same, I fall hard.
Anyhow, weirdfingersweirdfingersweirdfingersslightlyflappyhandgesturesrepeat repeat repeat..........

I did have a brief screen infatuation with Miranda's love interest but... oh his acting. Appaling. Didn't last long. They need to be epically talented as well as gorgeous to pique my interest mwahahaha.

Esteem him haven't heard that since pride and prejudice.

I was in a similar situation recently and was told that sometimes you just gotta ride out the inappropriate crush. I found this advice helpful. Unlike other posters, I develop inappropriate crushes on people relatively easily. I try not to worry about it too much. I am married and fidelity is important to both my DH and me. I do not worry that I would cheat on my DH.

I am not sure what I would have done if someone had suggested that I draw the subject of my crush's face though. Fortunately for me this situation has not yet ever arisen.

MrsDanvers I must have been in a romantic literature frame of mind when I landed on that particular word

Erinaceus it was exquisitely and singularly awkward having to draw his beautiful face he is so handsome oh fuck will you stop it brain