had enough , want to leave .

[peaksandvalleys]

partner of 24 years , beyond lovely a lot of the time but a total stress head . He gets stressed and shouts and swears at me . Doesn't call me names or anything like that but he looks angry and aggressive and takes me by surprise when he does it, and i'm the exact opposite . I hate shouting . i find it really unsettling . makes me feel disrespected . He takes what i say wrong or reading too much into it as well and then having a strop. I'm sick of feeling upset .
ds2 (18) the same but worse . Has a diagnosis of ASPERGERS which has a lot to answer for . Had loads of problems with him having massive meltdowns the last 5 years . diagnosed with aspergers in the end . If he doesnt get what he wants he kicks off or if hes upset about something completely unrelated hes a nightmare to live with . He takes everything out on me . He loves his dad even though they have a lot of rows , when they row , ds2 finds a way to make it my fault . sometimes when i havent even been there . He tells me how much he despises me .
He has upset both me and dp this week , sold all his stuff for a hobby he does when we had asked him to wait . ( He has done this several times now and then regretted it , and made us all miserable because he then gets depressed)
dp is sick of his behaviour as am i but tonight dp has had a go at him for something trivial , gone really OTT and set off a big row between them.
somehow ds decides this is my fault and , sits shouting at me that i will damn well listen to him ( i said we would talk in the morning) that he wants to talk to me and it has to be now etc . i agreed id give him 5 minutes as i was upset and tired , only for it to turn out that all he wanted to say was how much he cant stand me .
dp , decides hes had enough and hes going sleeping at a mates because he has to start work at 4am . dp shows no concern for me at all and im upset with him for starting all this off in the first place . He knows ds2 can get aggressive and is really hard to deal with but he's still left . Hes done this loads of times . I cannot imagine walking out on him if he was crying and having to deal with ds2 .
Ive tried to hold us all together for years and hope for better but ,
I think i need to face facts that the pair of them don't really care about me enough and this family is a disaster :(
sorry for the rant but i need to get this shit out . ds2 is now in the unoccupied , empty , house next door which belongs to a family member and we have keys to .
:( :(

just to clarify . i meant that dp shows no concern for me tonight , or when everything gets stressy and ive ended up crying. when everythings going smooth hes very caring . But , when i really need some comfort hes useless.

Go find a nice little place somewhere and leave the pair of them living together

This sounds awful so hard to live with where is DC1 in all this? You can leave DP but you can never leave your child, surely not, instead you need to access some help. After his Asperger Diagnosis wasn't there any help offered? A councillor a psychologist, you need strategies of how to respond when he behaves like this. He can't help it but he can learn to control the way he behaves and you can learn to recognise triggers and how to react to them.
24 years is a long time to throw away and then you would be left dealing with it all alone regardless. Could you two have counselling together is it possible he may have autistic traits too?

dc1 is 21 , lives with his partner now in another city . After diagnosis he was offered sessions with camhs , they made him worse . He then refused to have any more help and they didn't want him anyway until he agreed to engage more with them ( they said) He's now 18 , so too old for camhs anyway. He has a job , hes ok there. Hes been seeing a girl for the last 2 months too and has no problem getting trains to visit her as she lives miles away . But , i have to do things for him still , yet he resents me for helping him . He needs medication for epilepsy . The medication means he hasn't had any problem for 2 years . it works . but in his head he doesn't need it or want to pay for it . so , i sort it because im not prepared to let him learn that lesson the hard way . He views me as fussing , interfering and says that's why he doesn't get on with me . I just can't win . dp is like ds2 in many ways although i do have my doubts about the diagnosis as it isn't typical aspergers behaviour that i can see , and i have read everything out there on aspergers .
I'm just fed up of it all being so hard and crappy . dp does and has tried to keep ds2 on an even keel by taking up hobbies with him . if it wasn't for that i think ds2 would have gone badly off the rails by now.
I'm forever trying to stop dp from saying things to ds2 that will be a problem . They both get mad really easily , they both say things that they shouldnt have , they both never forget what the other said . But then they both play in a band together like best mates and ds2 directs all his anger , sadness and low self esteem problems at me . it all feels so complicated . i dream of living in a caravan , alone . but then that wouldn't really happen as i can't not make sure ds2 is ok . He's 18 but i feel compelled to save him from himself.

Jesus that scares me a little my DS is 15 and he hates my guts or that's how it feels. He has mild SN and is currently being referred back for an ASD assessment. Everything is my fault if my partner laughs at something he's done, he laughs along if I laugh he hates it. They do Karate together and go to watch wrestling Im lucky if I can get a civil hello. He can maintain relationships with others to a degree behaves at school polite but v quiet with family/freinds but with me there's no shutting him up. Moan moan moan hate school hate life bored no freinds etc etc. But I have always thought it's his teens he'll get better as he matures. . Still keeping my fingers crossed I tell myself it's because he actually loves and needs me so much, he kind of knows he couldn't be like that with anyone else but me as they would tell him to do one. I do tell him but I love him unconditionally and he knows it.

Unfortunately listening to how far your patience has been stretched you may have to shock them both. Could you cope with just booking a couple of days away just for you. Make them both realise how much they need you and need to change their behaviour. If your son can manage his behaviour at work and with his GF he chooses not to with you. May be time to put your foot down.

I hope you have better results than me 40 . I've had a massive talk to dp and he vowed to do better by me . ds2 came home from work and still kept up the hostile treatment tonight towards me . dp had bought him his usual saturday nights treats . I quietly pointed out to dp that ds2 still hadn't taken back what he had said and was still in hate mode with me and why should he be having a treat . Unexpectedly dp then went to ds2 and re iterated this saying he could have the ice cream if he paid him £2 for it (wtf) ds2 had actually bought and stashed away a massive box of treats for dp , his fathers day gift for him tomorrow , so , when this happened he went bonkers and ripped it open , throwing them at us . He has now gone back in the house next door again and won't come home and dp feels that he has once again done the wrong thing and set off more trouble . I feel that he should have known it was a bad idea but he genuinely thought he was doing right . This is what happens . He is either too harsh or giving him treats , no in between . I expected him to explain that he had bought a treat and wanted him to have it but that ds2 needed to make things right with me first . Somehow , what seems obvious to me is rocket science to dp . ds2 is saying its the end of our family and he doesnt want any more to do with me . so , ive told him we love him and we want everyone to be happy but we wont put up with bad behaviour , trying as always to present a united front . it is so frustrating and sad . I wish i had a magic wand.

and hes due his medication now but hes locked in the house next door and wont answer his phone . dp is in bed asleep and i'm sat here wondering what the hell i can do .

Ahh shit this sounds a bit mental but could you suggest to DP he runs it by you what he is going to say before he says us to DS2. This way you can point out anything you think is too harsh/soft and agree the approach before it happens. Won't be possible every time but a lot of times it would and it may help DP to see where he's getting it wrong.
DS2 sounds like he's behaving terribly can you just leave him what are the consequences of no medication?
My DS hates it more when O don't react he will with time become sheepish and apologise.

anything is worth a try really . thanks for responding , its nice to know there's at least somebody out there . I think i will go to bed , not much else i can do and i'm feeling ill . Maybe tomorrow will work out better somehow

Tommorow is a new day have a good sleep it always makes everything feel a bit better.

I feel for you OP.

After me and emotionally abusive ex split up, my ds- then aged 4 - was diagnosed with Asperger's. I am sure XH has many ASD traits, but he managed to get through school and holds down well-paid contracts (IT naturally). But whatever, he managed to be polite and respectful when he was at work, but would come home and treat me with contempt, vile temper and I would be on the receiving end of endless allocations of blame. it was remorseless and hurtful and draining. Worse, I did nothing to deserve it.

Thing is, your ds seems to be able to treat other people in his life with respect. That's probably all you require at this stage. I suggest he is behaving abusively towards you and this needs to stop. For whatever reason your DP is wholly unsupportive. I disagree with the suggestion that your DP wshould run everything by you concerning ds2 ... that would then make you the family policeman, it infantilises your partner - who also needs to take responsibility his actions... and then you would ALWAYS get the blame for anything that goes wrong. No thanks.

What you need is support. You are not getting any at home, so look outside. Go and weep on your GP for starters and see what he/she suggests.