I don't know what to do

[silkpyjamasallday]

I wish I didn't have to post about this, but I don't have anyone in real life to talk to about it, incredibly outing but I don't care. DP and I have a 9 month old DD together. While I was pregnant DPs mum was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and was told it was terminal. She passed away just under a month after her diagnosis, I was 6 months pregnant at the time. DP had to quit his job and we moved out of London as his employers wouldn't allow him time off to see his mother, and it is best that he did this as we weren't to know she would only be here for a few more weeks when we found out. We moved back to our hometown and my parents bought us a house to live in, and very kindly charge us no rent. DP got a job working with SEN teenagers which he has done before and has loved his job, today he found out as there won't be as many pupils next year they will be letting him go due to funding cuts.

We have not been getting along for the last few months, not arguing but just co-existing. His job doesn't earn a high salary (about 1/2 of his salary in London) but as we have no rent to pay it is more than enough to live comfortably. I am a SAHM and will be returning to uni to finish my degree when dd is 2, or that was the plan now it may not be possible. DP got part of his inheritance, around £60k, in September and it is all gone and we have very little other than a cheap car to show for it. His father who was absent most of his childhood and violently abused his late DM has suddenly been around more often and always asking DP for money. DP bought his fathers mother a house in her home country, has payed for his dads rent and payed for their holidays. But his dad always has new louboutin trainers and Cartier sunglasses etc. DP said he feels like an orphan and I think giving these relatives money makes him feel secure that they will stay around as he knows he wouldn't see them for dust once the money is gone, they didn't bother with contacting us before. He has also been supporting his dads other children and their mother, who lied to get DP to hand over cash, supposedly because of mortgage arrears and bailiffs coming but she rang again a week later telling him about new iPhones and hover boards and trainers and asked for more, which he didn't give, but he had already given her thousands. These people are leeches and his mother warned him of this, clearly to no avail. He has also loaned his friends thousands of pounds which I doubt we will see back, one is currently on a month long trip to America but apparently couldn't pay his rent. He has been spending money like he has an unlimited supply, and has been drinking every single night, buying multiple rounds for colleagues at the pub. Buying lunch and breakfast out every day even though I offer to cook for him at home as he can come home for his lunch break as he works so close by, or making him something in the morning to take with him to work, he refuses. I had no idea how much he had given away/spent until he asked me for money two months ago. So for the last two months we have been totally broke, only surviving because my parents send me money and I get child benefit and he keeps taking money from my account to drink. He is still driving to work even though it's a 5 minute walk, and having weekly massages even now when we really can't afford for him to do that. I also saw that he sent his dad yet more money From my bank account and I am understandably angry he would do that, he flat out denied it even with the evidence in front of him. He also hasn't been paying our bills so we are now behind on council tax, water, gas, electric as I have had all the red letters through the door, I had no idea it was this bad. Now next months pay check is going to be mostly eaten up with arrears on bills and it will be another month of penny pinching, probably more.

He has started helping with DD less, hasn't changed a nappy in weeks, or given her dinner or a bath, I am doing absolutely everything including all housework. He stays up late every night and leaves the house in a state. He then moans about our lack of a sex life, which had been good even after having dd, until recently when he has been slacking off on house and baby stuff so I am too tired and to be honest resentful to want to have sex. I am incredibly stressed and unhappy.

He says that I am cold and unsupportive and I 'forget' that his DM passed away, I haven't at all but I can't offer any kind of support if he won't talk about it, and he doesn't. He sees a therapist weekly, and has said previously that he talks to her about it so he doesn't need to talk to me. I do always remind him he can talk to me about anything and I will listen and try my best to help. I have tried so hard to fix things, working out a set budget and planning things to do in the evening together as an alternative to him going out drinking but he just ignores it all and does what he wants. He is obviously very depressed but he is already in therapy so I don't know what more can be done. He wasn't like this before and I am just lost as to how to help him.

At this point I am considering kicking him out of the house and going on benefits until I can return to uni so that I'm not constantly worrying about having money for nappies and food for dd. And so she isn't around the horrible atmosphere in the house because he is so angry at everyone. But I think he would end up killing himself, either voluntarily or involuntarily as his father is a drug dealer and a terrible influence and will hang around for the next instalment of DPs inheritance so he can manipulate him into giving it to him. Now the money is gone he has been left alone by family and friends and he is obviously feeling angry but he is taking it out on me rather than confronting them. What can I do? Everything is such a mess and I'm totally lost

Well we did just have a fight, and he stormed out after tipping a load of furniture over. Said I'm a boring bitch with no life and I have no friends, which is true, and that I haven't been supportive enough because I'm not affectionate and he doesn't love me anymore. Also said he isn't going to go to work anymore as they have shafted him. I don't understand how everything went so wrong.

Wow. That sound horrific. How old is he. I understand he's suffering grief from losing his mother but he seems to totally have spiralled
Was he like this before? I think this might be the key. It sounds like he has had a very dysfunctional family unit. This doesn't excuse his behaviour.
60k is a huge amount with nothing to show. And you don't pay rent.
How does he have access to your bank account and yet you didn't have access to his to see what was happening
You've said a lot about what has happened but not much about your relationship with him ?

Our relationship has always been so good prior to all of this, he is kind, dependable and an extremely hard worker, all the qualities you would want in a partner and father. He supported me and took care of me when I had a breakdown and dropped out of uni, and was very hands on with dd until recently, she utterly adores him and perks up when she hears him come home from work. He was amazing through my pregnancy when I was throwing up 10+ times a day for the whole 9 months, he was working 7-7 and still cooking multiple meals for me in the evening when I threw up the first two or three, making sure I had little snacks to get me through the day. Even when his mum was ill and then passed away he was so supportive of me as I tried to be for him, but it obviously wasn't enough.

We've always had access to one another's accounts, I just didn't see any reason to look at his, I knew he had been 'helping' his family members but had no idea of the extent of it, and I didn't need any extra spending money, I'm content to live a frugal life. I didn't think that such a huge amount of money could just disappear so quickly, and I worry now about the much larger amount that will be his once probate is done. His dad makes sure they go out without the baby and I when he visits, and I was fine with that as I don't like him, but he has obviously used this one on one time with DP to manipulate him. It just feels like so much has gone wrong for him since his mum died, and the news about his job today has really got to him as he is so dedicated, taking the pupils out in his own time to help them with their social skills. His boss had been telling him how next year they would be scaling up and he would be doing a masters in SEN education while on the job that they would fund, he'd get a pay rise as they were always telling him he was working well above his pay grade. And now he won't have a job to go back to and has to start again, which he has already done before when he had to leave his job in London and all our friends.

I think he just hasn't actually allowed himself to grieve and it's all spiralling now because he bottled it up and ignored taking care of himself. His stepdad and auntie won't talk about his mum, and if they do they get very emotional and DP switches his feelings off to care and support them, that's the sort of person he is, always puts others first. He is only 24 and has had so much to deal with on top of losing his mum, and because I am closest to him he takes anger out on me. I want to help but I don't know how. It is hard for him as I don't have any friends really, my only friend now lives in Australia so it is hard to even talk due to the time difference, so I rely on him for adult social interaction. And I guess I am boring but I haven't had a life of my own since having dd, which I don't resent but I suppose I don't have much to bring to conversations when my life revolves around dd.

How does he have access to your bank account and yet you didn't have access to his to see what was happening

I cannot say it enough. When are we women going to wise up?!

Been there, done that. At the end of the day we owe it to ourselves AND OUR CHILDREN...

I'll assume his current problems are grief related.

If they are, then he must seek professional help and make sure you and the child are safe. That includes financially.
And that means that he should move out and address those issues while separated. Otherwise you risk getting into debt and violence, which he already is doing by tipping furniture. It would be enough to report him for domestic violence. And I think you should, because it looks like he needs a reality check and you must protect yourself and your child.

This is appalling behaviour. I;m sorry but grief is no excuse to behave like this. He is already seeing a therapist which clearly is not working.
You need to get him out the house. You have a daughter to think of and you need to put her needs first.
He is throwing money away left, right and centre instead of making sure you and your daughter are looked after.
Whatever his mental and emotional issues, he needs to go away and sort those out away from you both.

I think you should change passwords or whatever else you need to do to keep your account to yourself, and should do that immediately.

You're going to be in a pretty rubbish position if he gets the inheritance and then has an opportunity to blow it (which he will) before a divorce is sorted. CMS won't factor in the inheritance as it's not earned income. If he remains unemployed and lives off the capital (whatever his scrounging relies don't take) then you may not see any financial help for your DC. Conversely, you need to make sure the house stays in your parents names or he would have a claim on that.

From the perspective of looking out for yourself and your daughter, I honestly think you may be best off seeing a solicitor quickly. Ask them what the options would be to freeze the probate until divorce finances are finalised. Otherwise I suspect your daughter will never see a penny of it, and you'll end up inheriting a pile of debt from him when you finally have enough and divorce him anyway.

Can you talk to dp's stepdad & aunty? They need to know of the stress your dp is under instead of leaning on him. I agree with a pp. You need to make sure you & dd are safe.

We are not married so I can't do anything about the rest of the money in terms of freezing probate or having any access at all. I know my parents have a clause in their will that doesn't allow me to have free access to my inheritance until I'm 30, and if they were to pass away before this I would have to ask the trustee who is my fathers friend to access it. But his mothers will has nothing like this and I doubt I can get his stepdad and aunt to somehow not give the rest to him when probate is done as they are all joint executors. I've already written the rest of the money off in my mind to be honest. At the end of the day I have the house and can provide for dd on my own if needs be, it's just a missed opportunity if the money is squandered, but it isn't going to leave us totally destitute.

He agreed after calming down that he should probably go and stay with friends while he sorts his head out, so that is good. My parents own the house we live in so dd and I are protected in that respect, we won't be homeless because of his stupidity. And he is going to look for and switch to a different therapist. I just don't know how much good it will do as it hasn't been working so far. I have also asked him to go to AA as there is a meeting just around the corner.

Unfortunately the rest of his family are totally useless in terms of any support emotionally or otherwise, he only really has me. His mum was his rock and they were extremely close, spoke everyday on the phone when he was on his way to work, she was always his sounding board for any problems. His stepdad and auntie don't want to talk about things, and when I have mentioned that I don't think they should be offering him alcoholic drinks because of the fact he is using it as a crutch they brush it off. They drink a lot so I think they see it as normal and not problematic.

I know now I will never ever share my account details again, but it has never been a problem before now, as having access to each other's accounts was easier than setting up a joint account so that's the way it has always been . And I wasn't aware of the number of people who have been getting DP to fund their lifestyles, his 'friends' have all been using him, and I think he has twigged that finally now but it's too late, and it is just adding to how hurt he feels

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply, I have a tendency to write huge essays and it is a lot to wade through, I really appreciate the time people put in to help. Thank god for mumsnet!