Do we break up ?

[user1496940061]

Hi ( Man here)

We have been a couple for 15 years, have 2 great children

Here goes

My wife has recently cheated on me – it was a one off, and since then she has not been in a good head space and made some very silly / odd decisions which has continued to damage us.

This is not her typical behaviour!

How do I / we know if we should end it or continue trying to fix us!

Thanks

What do you want? Strangers on the internet can't tell you what to do.
Are you worried this out of character behaviour is because of some underlying cause?

You should sit her down and talk to her, but make sure it's a convenient time where she's not running around after the kids, doing dinner etc

At the end of day, it boils down to if the two of you want to stay together and work at the relationship. If you do would some couples counselling help?

Sorry not asking for an answer – more guidance

One of the problems is we have made some decisions we /I don’t relay know if these are the right decisions or reactions!!

Its massive as we have kids plus years of a happy marriage could be lost.

Underlying issues are a worry, and how are the established / fixed!!

Could she have a mental illness ??? Is she remorseful ??? If it's out of character then possibly she is stressed / worried and doing irrational things are all signs of a mental health issue

Do you feel you can forgive her ? Counselling is a first port of call for you both. You sound as though you don't want to end the marriage

It isnt as easy as a yes or no answer - some people cheat because they can, some because its blowing an unconscious escape hatch, some due to mental heath issues, self destructive patterns, sometimes they dont have the courage to leave - but are maybe desperately lonely and want/need affection and validation; sometimes they have the temerity to want it all. There is never an excuse, it's always a choice and there is always another one that could be made instead but often people can kid themselves into believing there isnt.

For some its a deal breaker, for others a heart breaking episode they can move beyond.

There are so many questions that need answers; why she did it, how you feel about it, what do you want, what does she want, did she confess or did you find out... only the two of you, talking honestly can decide what is best for you moving forward.

Love can only take you so far; children are not glue and shouldn't be the sole reason you stay together.

Good Luck

Thanks
The reasons why seem difficult to work out !
Worried that we decide to break too soon and end up regretting it !
Hard choice and thanks for the advice

Difficult to work out or scary to face/say outloud? Sounds like that's where you should start...

Well I made my mind up a few days ago ! Now insure - Possibly in hast - Who knows?
But the realisation is crazy!!
Plus the fact that we have a good marriage in the main is hard to let go of.
Can it be solved / regain trust / be in love again and all that makes a true marriage ?
Mind boggling !!!!!
Thanks all

User, I was in the same position as you a year ago. My STBXH had a one off, but I couldn't forgive him unfortunately. For me the vows had been broken and the trust damaged beyond repair. We did try to work at it, but after 5 months I knew there was nothing left for us. We had been married 14yrs, together 17 and 2DC.

Hope it all works out for you OP

Damed if you and damed if you don't !!

I think you'd be a fool to consider staying with her.

She chose to fuck someone else. You chose to walk away from the cheat. End of

That was my first Responce !!

Walk away, she's been capable of doing it once so the trust for me would be gone. You will spend the rest of your life wondering if she will do it again and that's no way to live.

The years of happy marriage happened, whatever happens now. Breaking up doesn't make them go away.

Have you got any outside help - friends to talk to, a counsellor? Do you know why she acted as she did; have you asked?

Tried Seeing a counselling
Family & friends etc.
Not sure I'm the forgiving type!!

It's ultimately your choice, my now exw did the same but shagged him twice ..after her pleading , minimising and blaming me for changing for a much better paid job I decided ..
1 The trust had gone .
2 I could never have sex with her again.
3 it would definitely come up in any future disagreements .

On that basis I divorced her that was 4 years ago and life for everyone including our children is much better for it .
It's your choice to make but I could not live a life without trust .

You've thought about it and come up with a decision, by the sound of it.
There's never any guarantee that things are the right decision. If you changed your mind now, that too might be a "reaction", just caused by your fear of the unknown...

I guess I'm just a bit curious about you saying that she did things that were "silly", which suggests that you don't understand her motivation. But that's just me being nosey!

It depends what these "silly" decisions are that arent her "normal" behaviour.

Theres a lot of difference between "she spent all the rent money on a pair of new shoes" and "she quit the job that shes always said she hated but I told her she had to stay in".

Is she remorseful?
Did she confess the affair?

Do you think you can ever trust her again?

A useful resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com