Children heard a horrible argument.

[YesAnastasia]

Me & DH are close to separating so have been arguing a lot recently.

It's usually at night when the DC are in bed but on Sunday I couldn't seem to control myself. We had a big loud argument and I said awful things that the DC should not have had to hear. I said I was done & that I didn't want to be married anymore, I've had enough etc.

He's now gone away and they have questions.

I know it shouldn't have happened and I feel dreadful. How do I make it right? What do I say when they ask me if we're getting a divorce? (answer: I don't know) Or related things. Or if I don't wait for another question, should I sit them down and talk to them? And say what?

They're 6 & 7 and they're both on the Autistic (oldest more severely effected).

It goes without saying that I will make sure this doesn't happen again.

If you think its likely that a divorce could happen, then I think you need to be honest with them.
'Mummy and daddy aren't getting along very well at the moment, but we still love each other and we still love you both. We don't want to make anyone sad, and we are trying very hard to be friends again, so that we can all live together happily. There is nothing for you to worry about, and if you feel sad about anything and want to talk then me and daddy are both here to listen. I'm sorry you heard the shouting, and I promise that it will not happen again'.
Of course only make promises if you can keep them. Sorry you're going through this OP

What are the issues in the marriage that decrease your self control?

FFS shes human and has already expresses remorse. Op the first reply was spot on

[laugh] the issues are plentiful believe me. I question my sanity on an hourly basis.

I did say what justkeep said, more or less (except being there to listen to them. It doesn't go without saying with kids so I'll say that later) It doesn't seem to have satisfied them. DH wants to dismiss them and tell them I was just cross, saying things I don't mean but I'm not comfortable with them thinking that I say I'm going to leave when I'm just 'cross' - just to be mean.

DF says deny everything, you don't tell kids the truth.

I want to tell them too much, I know over sharing is a bad idea but ASD kids need detail and I'm naturally very honest.

"Deny everything". That is bad advice: "no kids, you didn't hear daddy and me arguing you must have dreamt it. What? No daddy hasn't left the house, he's right there on the sofa (waves at empty sofa). What do you mean you can't see him, he's right there, we'd better get you to the opticians..." sorry if that seems really flippant, but the point is lying to the children is only going to make them feel confused and unable to trust you. And you want them to trust you so you can put a positive spin on the situation, it sounds like you already have done that, and I think your instincts on how to handle things are right. My parents got divorced when I was young. I can vaguely remember a couple of fairly nasty arguements before they split, but I can also remember my dad sitting us down and in a very calm manner explaining that mummy and daddy still loved us very much but didn't love each other so we're going to live apart etc etc. After that they both followed exactly the same script about it being no ones fault etc but were honest about what was going to happen, refused to bad mouth each other. As an adult I am full of admiration for how they both handled it, and I think I came through it fairly unscathed and had a happy childhood. So what I am trying to say is, I know you probably feel very guilty but so long as you keep to a policy of kind honesty (without giving unnecessary details or bad mouthing your partner) then they should be fine, whether you and do stay together or split up...

Also it depends on what you mean by detail - kids need to know e.g. Where they will be living, who will look after the cat (once you know these things yourself). They don't need to know (e.g.) daddy never puts any effort into sex, mummy is always bad mouthing me to her friends, daddy can't buy a decent birthday present and the way he breathes through his mouth makes me want to kill him etc. if they have questions about the things they heard in the argument then I would something along the lines of "mummy and daddy both said very mean things to each other. It was wrong to do that" rather than get drawn into confirming whether the insults were true and precisely why...

It sounds like a separation and divorce will happen, so you need to be honest about that.

They'll need to know what their living arrangements will be and that they'll still be seeing both parents.

Don't badmouth him to them.

I've made a point of saying I really love Daddy and I want him to be happy. That we don't enjoy sharing our ideas and that by staying in two different houses it will be easier for us all to be happy.

I've been brisk, to the point, up beat and decisive when I've said it. Then I've busied myself with something else.

My h ea me.

Forget about rowing. Its awful. But the whole thing is awful really.

Feel free to pm me. I'm a bit further down the line but coping with the same stuff.