Has he checked out?

[needatimemachine]

Bit of background info. 3DC,been together 20 years and married for 10.

We have always had ups and downs in our relationship but OH has gone very cold and very distant over the last few months. He has never been that affectionate but recently this side of things has dropped off a cliff.

When I come in from work and he is already home I don't get much more than a hi as he continues to tap away at his computer. We never kiss or hug unless I instigate it and he can easily ignore me for the whole evening.

I have tried talking to him about this but he says nothing is wrong. I haven't been the easiest person to live with for the past few months but a little bit of love from him would go along way at the moment.

Is he bored? Has he had enough? Is there someone else? What should I do?

Does he do anything else for you to show that he's interested?

I'm very untouchy feeley & PDA etc really put my teeth on edge etc. Do I love my partner though? Yes. I might not say I love you, it just doesn't occur to me to do it but, would I run through a brick wall for them? Yes, I would.

There has been a change here though.

Couples counselling?

Ask him those questions, first of all. See how he responds and take it from there.

Yes he does plenty of things around the house to make life more comfortable and arranges things which include the whole family.

I am a little worried about his increased use of his phone, tablet and laptop recently but when I ask him about it he brushes it off quite easily.

Maybe I being too sensitive but things really do feel different. There appears absolutely no happiness in his demeanor when I am in the room but when he is with others he is constantly laughing.

I think the clue is that he's typing away on the computer - what does he say he's doing? If he's up to something he could be on edge when you're around, in case he gives the game away. Do you ever get the chance to see what he's doing on his phone/tablet?

Lots of FB, general surfing from what I can see over his shoulder. I'm not really a snoopy person and don't want to make the situation worse by coming over that way.

Would it be wise to step back and give him more space? Maybe mirror his behaviour?

Just a little lost and unsure at the moment.

If you suspect an affair then snooping is logical IMO!

Otherwise talk to him about it and/or suggest attending counselling together.

Just know that once you snoop that you're broadcasting to your OH that you don't trust him. Would he want to stay married to someone who doesn't trust him?

What have you been doing that makes you hard to live with?

Sorry but I agree it sounds dodgy.

You say this is changed behaviour. You have asked him about it and he's brushed it off. So he's hardly likely to agree to go to couselling when he's not even willing to spend time discussing it with you.

I'd be investigating if I were you. He has given you reason not to trust him.

I'd give him some space and make arrangements to do something to give yourself a boost.
A pamper session works wonders for me as does an afternoon spent people watching with a newspaper and a great coffee and blissfully on my own.
Sadly, as females, we are conditioned from a very early age to monitor others behaviour and adjust our own to fit in with their needs. Maybe, just maybe, this is what is causing your anxiety. And maybe, just maybe, your DH understands this and uses it as a control technique to keep you guessing, to keep you anxious.
Or maybe, he really doesn't care.
Either way, you need to adopt a breezy attitude, explore your options, invest in yourself and your interests and if he still continues to behave as if you're irrelevant or uninteresting, then you know where you stand.
But don't be passive. If he won't talk, you can't make him. You can't change other people. But you can change the way you react and respond to them.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice.

I'm not going to snoop as that isn't me and would just give him ammunition if he needs it.

I will spend time with myself and my friends and if he wants to join in he can.

I really hope he isn't looking elsewhere as I have always tried to be a good partner to him. I care for my appearance and try to look nice for him. I tell him often that he is is the most important person in my life, apart from the DC of course.

I just want him to want me as much as I want him. I know that sounds really pathetic but it is true.

What does he say, when you tell him he's the most important person in your life?

Something like-

'you are to' or 'thats nice' or ' I agree' and then goes back to what he is doing.

I'm not being over the top with PDAs just what I think is a normal amount between two people who are supposed to love each other.