Busy, but neglectful husband

[Cheesetriangle05]

I'm finding this quite tough.
DH is burning the candle at both ends, but completely out of choice. He is extremely busy at work and comes home exhausted, but he is also adamant on carrying out some work on our home himself. On top of this, DH involves himself in a few leisure activities with friends; which he has done 3 nights this week and every other night has been work on the house and/or his work for work.
I'm getting quite frustrated, as not only is there very little time for me and him as a couple, but he is being quite neglectful of the day to day stuff. Yesterday, I realised he had left the front door unlocked whilst DCs were asleep upstairs and we were in the back garden. Anyone could have come in. He is forgetting to do things that I ask him to do generally in the house, leaving tools and all sorts lying around. Yesterday, I asked him to bring something important home from work, but he forgot.

The thing is he doesn't stop, he is very very busy and I feel guilty for getting on at him or snapping at him, but when there are trails of clothes lying around and his bedside table looks like something from a warehouse at B&Q, I'm getting massively frustrated. He's taking on far too much, admits to feeling exhausted, but won't even reduce some of his leisure time with his friends to have leisure time with me, or to just take a bit of time to relax and subsequently be less forgetful generally. I keep snapping at him and I feel guilty because I know he's exhausted. I know if talk to him about this, I'll have the usual eye rolling and sighing, but I can't go on like this, it's chaos.

We make time & prioritise what is important to us. His actions are saying he's not bothered about you.

I feel that way Naze.
He will argue that he can't help being busy, that it's not his fault etc etc, but he is choosing to be this busy.
He can't seem to plan in advance. So.if I knew that I had a busy time at work coming up and work on the house to do, I'd look at my diary and think "ok, I need to cancel x,y and z so I atleast have some time at home" but he just doesn't do forward thinking at all and will pack everything in, leaving other things to the last minute when we don't have time. When he's so busy, he just leaves mess and chaos in his path, as if his mind is constantly elsewhere. It's just not very fair of him, I don't feel.

So where are you on his priority list, you should be at the top; no sympathy for him, he is choosing to spend his social time with others, I'd not want this kind of relationship either; you are either a couple or you are not, you're not a domestic appliance.

can you help him?
at least you will be spending time together and talking

on the other end of spectrum are bone idle people... he's your dh not your enemy.. support him and talk to him!

I'd probably try to sit him down, and get his full attention to talk. You could even do the 'we need to talk' and agree a day/time. I'd just say that I worry about him being so tired and over stretching himself. That I really miss spending quality time together and would like to work that into our schedule.

With my very career-minded DH, we've had to resort to him diarising 'date nights' to make sure he didn't overcommit himself elsewhere. I've also expressed my strong views re time spent on hobbies and vetoed some hobby trips away at weekends.

I also don't think that it needs to mean you're not that important to him. If men are very career orientated and get engrossed in hobbies, especially when training to compete in amateur events etc. they start doing too much and thinking too little. Sitting him down for a chat might be enough to get back on the right track.

We've had plenty of sit down chats lately. We've even been to relationship counselling, they told us to schedule in time for each other too. So I do. It's written on the calender each week, only DH does his own things anyway. Without sounding disrespectful, I don't think a sit down chat is going to cut it. It hasn't worked so far.

I've asked to help him New but DH says he prefers to do it all himself... if he would communicate what he needs help with, it would be a start, but I've no idea what he's planning from one day to the next.

That is rubbish. You've done counselling, you've scheduled time for each other and you do sound reasonable... To be honest, if he chooses to ignore things like time scheduled for each other and family, then I'd be questioning the relationship :S There's only so many chances and reminders someone can be given...

Are there reasons why he is taking on so much himself, both at work and in the house? (Financial, seeking promotion, etc?)

Oh, so this has actually been going on for some time then? Then is it worth it? Continuing? Do you need to have 'THE' chat?

OP I also have a very hyper DH (except it's not stuff round round the house he does - it's always work related "high drama"). He does at least recognise the need to schedule date nights in though and he's learning to step back and not get so caught up in everything now he's in his 40s. Burnt he used to be a nightmare and get very agitated if I ever pointed out he was working too much.

How long has your DH been like this? He sounds a bit manic tbh. Often when people need to be busy all the time it's because they don't want to stop and think. It's defensive. How old is he? He needs to watch his health by the sound of it.

We are in our mid-thirties. I feel guilty because he does work so very hard, but he doesn't need to.take on so much. He has always been someone to do things he could get someone else to do. Like at work, he could have a big deadline looming but he will be faffing around with smaller things that are not priorities or even part of his job role at times. It's similar at home. He will do things he doesn't need to do himself and avoid doing the things he does need to like picking up after himself and remembering to lock the door! It's hard because he doesn't stop and yet I'm complaining that he's not doing things. I understand that leisure time is important, but I often feel he sees me like part of the furniture in the house rather than a person who would really value some quality time and affection.

I think some people prefer, in a way, to live their lives in a chaotic and ridiculously busy way. I have a colleague like this.

It's probably either because it makes them feel important " look at me, I'm so incredibly busy", or because they just don't want to stop and actually think about what is going on in their lives, iyswim.

Are you always around Op picking up after him - I think I'd get myself a new hobby, spend a bit of time and attention on myself , maybe a new haircut -something a little bit different to your normal routine and see if hr notices

get a couple of bin bags and all the stuff he leaves lying around just chuck It in them - when he says have you seen such & such tell him it's probably in the bag - Infact I've just found the solution to my messy teens - maybe his mother always tidied up after him and he never had to take responsibility,

Good luck op

Are you me OP?
Sorry if that sounds flippant but your post resonanted so much with me. This is my DH. Plus the added bonus of when he does finally sit down he falls asleep.

He's fell asleep in the car picking up DC and another mum has walked the DC over to the car and rapped on the window to wake him up.

The only concession I've managed to get is we go out for a meal every month. Just the 2 of us.

I'm also at the end of my tether.

Wow to the falling asleep thing Hermione! It's a big sign he needs to slow down! I don't get it at all. If DH planned ahead a little, he could probably still do most things in moderation and there wouldn't be a problem. It's the flying by the seat of their pants thing... it's hard for it not to have a chaotic impact on our lives, regardless of how peaceful we can endeavour to make things for ourselves!

And before anyone says "if he's always been like this why did you marry him?" Or whatever along those lines, I don't care what anyone says, you can never foresee the impact of a personality trait on your life until DCS come along!

I know I've said it a million times. It's not healthy to keep this pace up. He used to be able to tick along but now he's hit mid 40's it's starting to take his toll.

Unfortunately he doesn't seem to take my advise or offer of assistance.

He has a problem delegating in all aspects of life and feels he can do a better job of whatever he's doing than anyone else.

This also takes its toll on me as it seems to me to be putting me down. But that's another story!

I have started to step away a little not answer the phone to him immediately, not drop what I'm doing to fit in around him. I've also started to book things whether he's there or not. I.e. I've booked 2 nights away in July to go to a 4* hotel in Blackpool this is in addition to our family holiday in August. I would NEVER usually do this. But I've turned 40 and I'm thinking life's too short to wait around. If he's available and wants to come - great. If not I'll book a train and go with DC's on my own. He's missing out not us.

My DC were discussing family breakups the other night following friends that are currently going through it and my DD innocently said well if it happened to you we'd live with mum and never see you, because you are always at work - to my DH. That rattled him. But as the DC's get older they notice more than you think.

Sorry I've offered no useful advise. Just wanted you to know you're not alone x

Atleast the DCS see it Hermione.

I just feel and probably behave like stress mummy! And DH just calmly bobbing along in a sea of chaos!

I have been thinking about booking breaks away for me and the DCs whenever DH takes himself off on one of his leisurely breaks away with his friends. But, like you, worry how I might cope as never done it on my own before!

As Green says up thread I think finding our own hobbies/ looking out for ourselves is probably the answer.