Advice needed please. Cheating

[snoopinghelpneeded]

Name changed but long time lurker, occasional poster.

'D'P has been acting very differently lately. Granted, a parent died recently, was expected, not to diminish impact though. A few days after he instigated a totally non-sensical argument and started acting like a complete arsehole to me, despite me supporting him through his parent dying.

He would disappear for hours with no contact and come back quite manic. When asked where he was, he smashed a table up. Gut instinct kicked in, had a look at his phone, text messages deleted which I know had come through, had another look today, wrote down phone numbers, put into Google, things come up kind of linking to hook up sites, just not sure though.

I'm definitely going to leave him. The table smashing is enough, bereavement or not but it would be conclusive to know of the cheating.

Thank you

Bump!

Do you have children together?

No. Why does that matter? I just want help with knowing for sure he has cheated. Logistics aren't the problem.

Thanks

If you want to leave him just leave him then. Only way to know for sure is to ask really.

Does it even matter really? I mean, you've already made the decision to leave..

I was thinking that if you intend to leave based on his violence (which I would, too) then I would just go and forget about him. Knowing all the gruesome facts can be very, very painful.

I was only wondering because I was thinking you'd have to see him for years and years, and it would always eat away at you.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound snippy. Been together 7 years, it hurts.

You're right, I'm going anyway. Don't want to know anymore.

Thank you

I think it would damage your self esteem if you were to know the gory details. What he has done already deserves nothing less than a split

It's hard to tell much from your post - it is quite short.
And it is mostly about you, focused on you. And it sounds a little selfish.
You supported him, and despite that he was... he wasn't...

If you are unhappy - no one stopping you from leaving. You don't need to justify it to yourself (or anyone) but looking for evidence of cheating.

Parental death, no matter how expected, is tough. And people grieve in a different way.
Disappearing for hours and coming back 'manic' screams of someone sufferring a lot, rather than of someone who'd spent a few hours having sex. Don't you think?

Smashing the table doesn't sound good. I give you that. But - again - it sounds more like a sign of distress and torment.

I supported him big time, there was a lot more to it than just bereavement. Money stolen from parent etc. I listened and listened and that is what he did: went on hook up sites.. It was never about me.

Believe me I'm leaving. Don't want to be a statistic.

Disclaimer: you do not get to be a violent bastard just because you're bereaved.

You were asked about having children because it matters a lot in terms of how possible it is to leave and how quickly. You are in the fortunate position where you have no permanant ties to him so you can get up and leave anytime you like for any reason. If you don't trust him, aren't getting along and believe he's shagging around then there's no reason to stay.

If there is no trust and it sounds like you don't trust him then I think you are doing the right thing, life is too short and as we get older we don't care for drama or uncertainties, you need to know the person you are growing old with is committed to you otherwise it's just a half relationship or not even that.

Good luck OP.

It's so disappointing when a partner shows a side to them that you thought belonged to a different type of man altogether. It must feel like a body blow. Take care of yourself and plan a better future without him.

Thank you everyone.

I've arranged to leave at the weekend. A friend is helping me.

Good for you. I hope your new life is happy and stress free. Have you told him or will you wait until you've gone?

And it is mostly about you, focused on you. And it sounds a little selfish.

Josuk WTF?

Takeawee - read the post again....
Either it's missing out a lot of details - but it's all about the OP....
Her partner suffered a loss. And - despite her 'supporting him' still, inconveniently, is suffering.
And she thinks, because she supported him - he should just snap out of it.
I didn't see much empathy in the post. Just all about - I want to leave, etc.
It's her choice, obviously. And maybe she needs to justify it to herself. Why not.

He wasn't aggressive to her. He broke a table. If you never felt so bad you wanted to just let it out, at an inanimate object - maybe it's hard to understand.
When I had PND - it once all got so bad - and I couldn't take it anymore - I'd have broken many tables, if I could. But as it were - I wanted to jump out I the window.
Dealing with powerful negative emotions is hard.