A few months ago i left a thread, under a different username, explaining the latest outburst by my then abusive partner.
The responses i received was overwhelming.
I didnt listen,i knew everything that everyone was saying was true,but i loved him,if im honest i still do.
Yes i got him out of my home and i tried to cut contact but i wasnt strong enough., well i thought i wasnt,i was wrong.
We worked towards rebuilding our relationship and i stupidly thought that i was going to be able to help him deal with his demons.
That our all emcompassing love for eachother would WIN above the emotional and mental abuse he subjected me to, again i was wrong.
His love wasnt about taking care of me it was about turning me from a strong, independant woman into someone who couldnt live without him.
His 'needing to be with me' because i was the love of his life was about controlling me.
His build me up, then tear me apart cycle wasnt about him loving me so much i drove him crazy,it was him trying to destroy me.
His telling me we were a team and i didnt need to rely on anyone else wasnt about how we were soul mates, each others missing halves, it was about him taking everyone away from me so i only had him.
His constant insults werent because he was scared of loosing me they were because he wanted me to fear loosing him
Today i sit in my house feeling broken, alone and with the worst pain in my heart. Im a shadow of my former self, i jump at loud noises, i crave peace but then feel the overwhelming sound of silence.
I cant eat, sleep or work.
I smile then cry. I laugh then scream. I hurt.
I thought i was in control because he wasnt here,but he was in control because i was still trying to make it work. When i finally recognised he hadnt changed, that i had got it all so wrong he beat me. He called me every name under the sun and he said he was going to kill me. He threw me around and pushed me down over and over. Now i have to live in fear of someone i still love. My heart is betraying me and that makes me sick. As he will probably plead not guilty (he still blame my craziness, unresonable behaviour) i will have to go to court and relive our relationship, that night in front of a whole group of people. He has lied to me,used me, hurt me, and tried to destroy me, then finally left me in a bruised heartbroken mess.
So if there is anyone reading this that thinks their abusive partner loves them youre wrong,like i was. They dont care, they dont change,they just get angrier and nastier, and each day they take a little bit more of who you are. Leaving, is the only option you have.