Disagreeing on big decisions - how to handle?

[HavingDoubts]

I've been looking back over my relationship and wondering if many of the problems that exist between me and my partner are due to me being a bit of a doormat/pushover, or if he just doesn't consider my feelings?

Basically, he puts forward a really good reason for doing things his way, which is hard to argue with. So I back down. Then things don't work out and I'm left feeling resentful that he didn't listen to me, and what I wanted, in the first place. This is true of so many decisions we make together.

OTOH he is one of the kindest sweetest and generous people I know and everyone - friends, family etc - adore him. He genuinely wants me to be happy, so although I appreciate he sounds quite selfish, he really isn't, and we've had many happy times together. But there are many instances where I feel he argues his point so well, I feel very unreasonable in not going along with what he wants.

My question is this - if you are with someone quite strong-willed, is it a case of standing your ground and being more assertive? On the few occasions I've done this, it has actually worked and he has changed his view/behaviour. It's just difficult when you both view things differently -
how do you trust your own instincts, and know that your view is right when you can't be sure how things will turn out ? Or do we just sound badly matched?

What's kind and sweet and generous about arguing to get his own way all the time? Is he usually difficult if he doesn't get his own way?

I do think you could be more assertive but he sounds very domineering from your post

What kind of decisions are we talking about here? If it's something petty like "What should we eat tonight" then it's really not worth sweating. However if it's something major like "I'm going to take this new job and I know it's a 4hr commute but it'll be FINE" and then it all ends up going pear-shaped, then you're right to be concerned.

It's the big decisions. Eg moving for work, we moved to a city I wasn't keen on. We've since moved back, which has improved things. But I feel like I wasted the last 2 years. It made me quite depressed & isolated. I have other examples too, but I don't want to out myself.

It's only the big things - in day to day stuff, small things etc, he's really easy going. But we rarely seem to agree on important life decisions and I'm questioning if this is something we can work on. I do give in very easily, tbf.

My OH usually has very strong ideas/convictions, but when I really think things through, he's usually right (don't tell him I said that!). Though, he's usually very thoughtful and puts what's best for all of us first.

I thought being in a relationship was about the "we" not the "I"..

It's like our relationship only I'm your husband lol Being more assertive definitely helps. It's not fun for the other side when there's 'false agreement' and the resentment gets thrown back. In turn, DH complains I steam roll over him.

If there's a big decision to be made, you could put yourself a date in the diary to talk about it. Allow a few days to think things through, take notes etc. You could put DH on a timer - so he can listen and not jump in mid-sentence with his counter arguments.

We've been working on it for over a year now and it's much better. My husband is also much better at taking ownership of decisions rather than just nodding his head and then being resentful.

JoJoSM2 - I must applaud you for what it sounds like a good working at it as I have been involved in that kind of relationship that HavingDoubts is in where my (ex-)OH would always make the decisions, both big and small and always give good reasons for why it should be done etc.

My problem is that I always try to see it from their side and try to be reasonable and usually that means I see the sense in what they are saying and that happens. However that is because with big decisions usually both opinions are "right" for different reasons, as otherwise there wouldn't be a decision to be made.

If you have an OH who doesn't look at it from your side very well (not necessarily intentionally, just unable to see another viewpoint), then you need to stand your ground. With practice that gets easier as long as the partner sees they need to give ground too. What's the worst is when your partner cannot give in because they don't want to "lose" the argument, that is just a pain in the arse. Although doesn't sound like HavingDoubts has that issue....?

You need to stand your ground.

I am quite strong willed and most of the time DH is happy to go with what I want (I dont think hes that bothered to be fair) but I know when he says no to something he means it. If your DP does listen to you when you do assert yourself then you just need to make sure that you do when it matters to you.

Dh aleays gives a well reasoned point ehen we disagree. Drives me insane.

Often its not that i cant counter it. But that i need time to counter it. So we usually park stuff while i mull it over. Then decide together.

Its hard to work out if he just makes the decisions or you just decide to go along with it without even trying to point across. If its that you dont try put your point across, he is unlikely to know you disagree. In which case resentment isnt fair.