I am I going mad, should I be worried?

[user1488286731]

I have been with my husband for many many years,we have 2 small children. We have had our problems and our ups and downs as most couples do. Neither of us are perfect.

I have had problems in the past with some financial and emotionally controlling behaviour on his part. But have always been able to up put with it as he's quite insecure and he's explained his behaviour is because he loves me so much and is just scared of losing me and is trying his best to make me happy.

He's always been quite hands on and I do get annoyed as he wants sex all the time and is always groping me and being suggestive,even at inappropriate times. But if I call him out over it,he gets upset and says he's just been affectionate. Or gets grumpy and sulks and ignores me.

We'd had quite a big argument last night,but had both made up. He started touching me and suggesting sex. I said straight away I wasn't interested,after the argument, I just wasn't in the mood. He then started demanding sex and saying we had to have sex. He was quite persistent and pushy. I told him him 5 times I didn't want to. He still kept on and I actually had to push him away and raise my voice to stop him touching me.

He stopped straight away then and he's gone back to being nice and normal and kind,but he's never been that pushy before and it worries me. But if you knew him he comes across as mild mannered,quiet, charming and kind.I just can't reconcile the 2 different sides of him and feel like it's me that's the problem.

Sounds like an unnerving situation OP. I can see why you'd be concerned. Im afraid I'm not sure what to make of it really: either for some reason he's feeling a massive dose of low self esteem or something to that effect- needs affirming, reassuring.. made to feel sexy. Or something has assaulted his ego and this is coming out as a sexual power play. I definitely don't feel qualified to answer more than that apart from I'd potentially seek help for you both outside the marriage (counselling) to safely express whatever is happening. Best of luck to you.

He is really a master manipulator and has managed to tie you up in emotional knots here. Its he who is the problem in this marriage, not you.

What you are describing here is he abusing you emotionally, physically and financially and for some considerable time too. You still have problems with financial and emotionally controlling behaviours but you do not have to put up with it.

He does this out of his desire to have complete power and control over you; it is certainly not because he loves you so very much. Far from it, he only loves his own self and does not know the meaning of the word. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

His power and control has certainly ramped up over time and what you describe is just the latest in a long line of power and control against you and in turn his children. He is now trying to control you sexually as well and that behaviour is also abusive.

If one of your children as an adult described this sort of marriage to you, how would you feel and react?. Would you want this type of marriage for them?. Do not forget either that you are also teaching them about relationships here; is this the type of model you really want to be showing them?. I would hope not.

Abusers can be nice sometimes but its all part of the nice/nasty cycle they do and that one is a continuous one. Also such people can be plausible to those in the outside world but its an act they cannot maintain.

Womens Aid can and will help you here on 0808 2000 247 and they are well worth contacting.

If you consider counselling OP then you need to go on your own. Joint counselling here anyway is a non starter because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out. He will deny all knowledge and make it all out to be your fault if he did attend any session and he is unlikely to do so in any case.

No decent counsellor would ever want to counsel the two of you together in the same room because of this reason.

You were really targeted by this man OP; time to take that target off your back before he really does ruin you and in turn your children as well.

He's abusive and sexually coercive, neither traits are normal and healthy OP; I'd be very careful here as it sounds like he will just go ahead regardless of your feelings, again, not normal.

His excuses for his actions are bullshit, it's not out of love, it's out of control and his own lack of awareness and confidence that makes him somehow feel he has to control you by being financially abusive as well as sexually, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that the groping and guilt tripping stops or it's over, in fact, I'd be put off massively having a man like this hanging about me expecting me to put out for him like some blow up dolly, what a creep.

he's explained his behaviour is because he loves me so much and is just scared of losing me and is trying his best to make me happy
He's a textbook abuser.
Please do get yourself the Lundy Bancroft book - Why doe he do that?
It will be a real eye opener for you.
Womens Aid can also help you see this for what it is.
There are red flags of his abuse in every sentence.
It's scary you can't see it.

Ltb

He's controlling and also sexually abusive

Thank you for your replies,It really helps to get another point of view on his behaviour,he's so different with me, that I feel people would laugh or dismiss my concerns, because it's so out of character from the person they see.

It really messes with my head,so I doubt myself constantly.

A large percentage of abusers give off this same vibe outside the home.
They are loved by everyone blah blah blah.....
Don't let that sway from the fact he abuses you - A LOT - when people aren't around.