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Original poster

Is this what I think it is?

53 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 13/06/2017 11:51

DH and I have been having a difficult time of late. He was made redundant a couple of months ago, we have a 5 month old dd and things have been tough. I'm battling bad PND, and haven't been great to be around to be honest. I'm finally seeking help for it, started medication yesterday and have been seeing a therapist.

So as not to drip-feed, we aren't currently living together, although he lives a minutes walk away and is over all the time. We are not separated, I moved into the family home first whilst he stayed in our rented home until the lease was up.

I think he's having an affair. I have no concrete proof, but things are slowly coming to light to point in that direction - he had scratches on his back last week, and when I asked him where they came from he couldn't give me an answer. Just "I must have slept funny" Hmm Today I have just found a balled up pop sock on my sofa which is definintely not mine - I don't own any. He came over last night and slept on the sofa as dd isn't well so we coslept. It can only have come from him, it was scrunched up so I assume it was in his pocket and came out when he took out his phone etc. He's also very secretive with his phone, doesn't leave it anywhere and has a passcode on it which I don't know.

Am I being paranoid and anxious due to my PND, or are these things that would worry others also? I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2017 14:20

I'm damn glad my ExP thought he had nothing to hide so didn't mind me having his passcode.
I would not know what I do now and I might still be with sleazy, cheating, porn addict!

MiniMummy576 · 13/06/2017 14:25

It does all seem a bit odd. You know your DH best, although I know with the PND it's making you doubt yourself.
What sort of job does he do? Is it a physical job where he could be likely to get scratches/bruises etc?
The reason I ask is my DH has a physical job so is always coming home with 'love bite' type marks on his shoulders or some other type of injury so I'm always teasing him about how that looks.
And as for the sock... There could be reasonable explanations for it all, but that doesn't mean that there is.
I think him staying apart from you is odd, particularly as it's not clear why it's necessary. If you're paying for two places anyway, you may as well pay for an empty place and have him live with you and DD.
Perhaps you could have a conversation about how you'd like to be a family unit again, you miss him, DD needs her daddy around etc rather than hinting at possible infidelity. What to do next depends on his reaction.

category12 · 13/06/2017 14:26

Well, I guess he can stay at the rented property. Makes it easier.

NKFell · 13/06/2017 14:27

I know my DP's and he knows mine- I don't go through his phone and I doubt he looks through mine.

OP there is defo something up here, you're not being paranoid.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 13/06/2017 14:28

He's still living at the rented place because it gives me some space to get my head together, he had moved in when we bought the house, but I asked him to spend a few nights at the rented place so I could have some space. If we have a row it's nice to be able to close my front door and concentrate on dd without him sulking somewhere. He does help with dd, but he's not great with the PND obviously.

I just want concrete proof so I can find the strength to end it once and for all. I love him, and the thought of splitting up my family for potentially my own suspicions and anxiety is terrifying. I don't want to throw it all away because I'm unwell at the moment.

OP posts:
Mulch · 13/06/2017 14:29

Trust your instincts op

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2017 14:31

Don't bury your head.
You already have enough.
He's sulky as well on top of everything else!?
Sounds like a peach!

Adora10 · 13/06/2017 14:33

I don't think you are paranoid, I think he is giving you reasons to be suspicious, go with your gut, it's always right.

Ladies pop sock, scratches on back, with neither having a reasonable explanation.

Brahms3rdracket · 13/06/2017 14:34

You need support and he's living elsewhere. That's crazy whether it was your idea or his. Surely you plan to all live together sooner or later, so you should get used to living as a family now. I don't know if he's cheating but you will probably continue to be paranoid while you're living like you're separated.

Doesn't he miss you and his baby? I can't imagine my OH tolerating being separated from his.

HarmlessChap · 13/06/2017 14:43

Well it kind of is, if you need to lock your phone to prevent your wife from looking through it. Can't you just ask her not to?
It's locked to keep it and the information therein secure. It would still be locked if I didn't have a DW!

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 13/06/2017 14:43

He's very good at shutting down all emotion and turning situations back on to me. So if I was to ask him outright about an affair he would deny it completely, and then tell me I'm mad because of my depression and it's clouding my judgement. And then he'll withdraw all affection until I apologise. That is his favourite trick.

Christ I've never written that down before, or even told anyone.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/06/2017 14:44

You can buy men's pop socks, just saying.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/06/2017 14:46

Do you have any family or friends you could confide in or even one happy to scope him out?

Vanillaisboring666 · 13/06/2017 14:49

I'd just come out and ask and see how he reacts. If he panics it's a dead giveaway

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2017 14:50

So he withdraws affection and stonewalls you as well.
Seriously!!!! Really think about this 'man'
What he brings to the relationship and how he makes you feel.
Do you feel loved, cherished, fully supported at all times???

category12 · 13/06/2017 14:56

Scratches on his back are proof.

thegirlupnorth · 13/06/2017 15:16

If I were you I would do over to the rented place late at night, take DD, catch him in the act!

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 13/06/2017 17:13

Why are men such dicks? (Not all obviously) but WHY do they feel the need to go off months after their wife has had a baby, has terrible PND and screw someone else? It's pure selfishness, not once have I or dd come into his mind. Even if he hasn't been cheating, then like you all say, why isn't he here? Helping? I need to wait for my medication to start working and then with a clear mind can move forward. I'm going to go to the rented house this evening while he's got dd and have a look around.

OP posts:
siillygoose · 13/06/2017 18:33

I am going against the flow regarding the phone, sock and scratches.

My XH svratched his back while showeing. used his hands to rub the back and they were common.

I don't use pop socks but you cam find one in my pocket when I have been shopping for shoes and grabbed one from the store to try things on.

However, living apart sounds bad. That is the most concerning part of all.

Cupoteap · 13/06/2017 18:39

You don't need to prove he is having an affair to finish it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2017 19:53

Ask him straight to his face of he's having an affair. His facial expression will tell you everything you need to know.

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 13/06/2017 20:07

The sulking and stonewalling are enough to end it.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/06/2017 12:59

I suspect his "excuse" for not helping out is you asking him to leave and likely to be his excuse if he was having an affair. There is no excuse, in fact.

SometimesMaybe · 14/06/2017 13:04

Ask him for the phone - ask hi. To hand it over and what the passcode is. Tell him why and if he doesn't hand it over the. I think you know.

I don't have my DHs password for his work phone due to confidentiality, but he hands it over if I need to take a photo, want to check something, look at a map etc. It sits out all the time so I could see messages as the pop up etc.

BasicallyBiscuit · 09/11/2017 23:58

things like this make me SO angry OP. You deserve so much support being a new mum, especially since you had PND.

He should be there. Whether he's not there because he can't cope (no escape for you though is there, selfish prick), or because he's fucking someone else, you deserve to be rid of this dead weight.

Have you got good family around you OP? Flowers