Think DH is planning to leave: how do I "get my ducks in a row"?

[RelaxMax]

Think DH is planning to leave. Long tangled story and don't really think it's anybody's fault, but I do feel like we're coming to the end of the road.

At the moment I'm SAHM with two young children.

House is in both our names.

We have a joint account for household expenses and I have a credit card he pays for, but his earnings go into lots of separate accounts for savings etc and they're in his name. I do have some savings in my name so could manage short term even if e.g. He stopped putting money in the joint account.

What should I be thinking about here?

Is there paperwork or financial information I should be getting together?

He won't want custody, and I'll be very supportive of him having time with the DCs., so hopefully that side would be easy.

You need to think about who's living where and how it gets paid for. Your maintenance for DC and the savings are to be split (usually advised to pay off any debt with savings).
How much equity is in the house

Is there any chance of you being able to get a job? It would be advisable to have your own income if possible.

are you married? if so, get copies of all savings accounts, details of pension company, as you will be after both those as well as house. get credit card paid off asap and dont use it for household debts which.you will end up solely responsible for if not careful.

do cashback on every shop to build up a secret cash savings fund

Get copies of all paperwork, especially things that indicate where he's hidden family money. Anything on his savings accounts, pension ( company and private ) , lifeinsurance, private medical. Details of mortgage, cars, any other marital assets.

Make an appointment now to see a lawyer . Yes now, don't wait to see how things work out.

I know you really REALLY want to believe that he will be reasonable and I hope you are right . But you need to procede on the basis that he will be a lying deceitful shit and then if he's not, it's a bonus.

MN is full of women whose ex promised the world and, as soon as he was out the door, delivered fuck all. You and the children are very vulnerable.

Is he employed or self-employed? Could you take a quick photocopy of a recent pay slip? Also the savings accounts: any information you can get even about which bank they're at and how many there are could be useful.

When you say "young", are they at school/preschool or tinies? Term-time jobs are like rocking horse droppings round here.

Thanks all.

He's employed but his pay is very complicated - he gets salary, bonus, stock options, deferred stock options etc so it's all in different places and dealt with differently.

He also has investment income, from some of his stock, and I -think- some of that goes into accounts based in the US.

The children are 2.5 and 4 months, so very young, and I really wouldn't want to put the youngest into childcare.

He's always run out finances because he's good at that stuff, so I really don't know how much money there is or where it is. He does everything online and I don't have his passwords.

I'm not sure how to ask him to go through the finances and tell me everything without it being obvious I'm planning for a split?

And yes good idea to see a lawyer and make sure I'm handling this right.

I don't want him to leave but if I can focus on the practical stuff that's less upsetting :(

Is she planning on leaving him in 2157?

Excuse me?

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like he's very clever at hiding family money. You really need some legal advice regarding the money he's hidden abroad.

This is a very shitty situation to be with a baby of just a few weeks old.

The financial situation does sound very complicated. I really would recommend seeing a solicitor to help you.

You would need to get a legal declaration of finances through solicitors.....

Look for a job for 6 months hence. Definitely get some legal advice.

Okay the US money - is he paying his US tax? If so there should be US tax returns.

If he is going very soon. I wouldn't get a job just yet. But do work on being employable. Brush up your CV. Check your skills are still up to date. Get in touch with old contacts, network. Think about new skills you have learnt during your time at home.
You can also think about issues such as childcare, where you want to live.