I’ve been with DP nearly 20 years and we have DCs. Before him, I had a couple of serious LTRs and a load of flings, whereas he’d had a few relationships but nothing above the 3-month mark. We got together and I got pregnant with DC1 quite quickly. We are alike in lots of ways and were relieved to have found each other, but never really had much time together as a couple before we became a family.
DP is a good partner, he works hard and supports me emotionally in lots of ways. I have ASD and he kind of mediates the world for me, explaining things I fucked up or misunderstood. I’ve also had some mental health problems and he’s stuck with me through some dark times. He’s very caring. He has a shoddy family and a lot of confidence problems and I hope I have been supportive back over the years. We are compatible in lots of ways. We have similar views about politics, religion, parenting, and we’ve worked together for years, running first one, and now two, businesses together. We are friends. He is also a great dad – he pulled his weight with the kids when they were little, and now they’re older he’s involved and supportive of them. We are a happy family, we talk, debate, laugh.
It sounds great – and it is, a lot of the time, but I could also describe it completely differently. A huge area of incompatibility in our life is sex. He has almost zero sex drive. I have wondered sometimes if he’s gay but he denies it. We have sex about 5 or 6 times a year and it’s always me that initiates it, and it’s always crap and disappointing. I know it takes two to tango but I have always had a good sex life with other partners in the past. He is weirdly unsensual – can’t do massage or touch either. No affection, kissing, cuddling, no proprietorial touch. Only if I’ve got upset about it, and then there’ll be a few days of perfunctory physical contact, which feels fake.
There is other stuff. He is a complete slob. I’m not houseproud by any stretch of the imagination, but he lives like a pig and I have to choose between accepting it or doing all the clearing up for both of us. The house is a complete shitheap, I just can’t seem to get on top of by myself. He is OK about helping with housework if asked, but makes a total mess of it – does one job and makes ten more. I hate it and dream of leaving him and having a calm, orderly home I’m not ashamed to invite friends to. The kids have learned to behave the same way, which feels intolerable and casts me in the role of family nag. (They are good kids in lots of ways though.)
He can be unreliable, he forgets to do things he said he would do. He procrastinates. He is terrible with money. He can be pompous. I am in the living room now, typing this and wondering if we’re going to make it to our next anniversary. He is in another room on his computer, with earphones in. This is pretty normal for an evening. I hate the earphones, they make me feel shut out. In a small way, it reminds me of the vast ongoing rejection our sex life represents.
I am so confused. Does anyone else have a 50/50 relationship like this? How do you balance things out to decide whether it’s better to stay together or chuck in the towel. 