Husband refuses to go to counselling to work thru rubbish sex life & thought it would help to call me frigid cow!

[beanz81]

Ok so my husband and I have been having some probs with our sex life in that he wants sex and I dont! I have said I wld like to see a counsellor as I feel it wld be easier to talk about things with a neutral person but he refuses as he doesnt believe it wld help. He thinks its my problem that I have to work out myself & nothing to do with him. Its culminated today with him calling me a frigid cow and I really feel that he doesnt get it at all, that women need to feel special and valued. I find everything much harder as I cant have children and have struggled sometimes with that as I i kind of lost a sense of feminine confidence some how. I really hate the whole thing that women are just there to provide some kind of sexual purpose to men, surely a marriage is more than that!!?

God what an awful thing to say and a selfish pig. No wonder you don't want sex with him! Is that sort of attitude supposed to change your mind? It's horrible when this happens, happened to me with ex. Felt taken for granted, knackered etc. Instead of being understanding I got tantrums and sulking. Ended up in a battle of wills at bedtime, I'd go early and pretend to be asleep so he would leave me alone. One tantrum too far and the shutters came down permanently and our sex life was dead. It doesn't sound from what you've said as if he wants to accept any responsibility in this at all. Doesn't sound good for your future

Thanks so much for your reply sometimes I feel like its just me with the problem! We are on hols at the mo which I thought wld help but the stress of everything (and a bit more booze!) has just made it worse! I just feel like he feels like I am here to pleae him and he has no role to play!

My god. Is he 12?

Sounds like he can't accept blame. It takes 2 people to have a loving and understanding sex life, this is not your fault. You've tried to get help for the problem and he's refusing to accept he has one. Sounds like counselling may help but to be fair the last man that called me frigid (I wasn't at all, he was just awful in bed) was swiftly shown the door. Very disrespectful

The fact that he dares insult you that way OP is a sign of why you probably reject sex with him...has that not crossed his mind! Agree with JK, did he really think that would make it likely you'd change your mind. Sounds like it's him that needs changing, ie a complete overhaul of his attitude towards what a sexual relationship means. I'd be considering dumping a partner who used such a phrase. Maybe play it tough - insist on counselling as an ultimatum. At this rate, what have you got to lose?

Hugs to you what an awful situation to be in, I was stuck in a similar situation years ago and the pressure just made me go off any intimacy at all x

Well OP this is probably going to break up your relationship, if he isn't getting it at home he will probably go and get it somewhere else.

Is there any reason why you can't go and see a counsellor about your issues with sex/self esteem/ feeling valued as a woman wrt not having children. ? Men have a much more simplistic view of sex. It's much more basic and physical. For women it's a mixture of the emotional and physical with far greater emphasis on the emotional.

It really depends on what you want and what you are prepared for/consequences of not dealing with this issue. Sex is the glue that sticks a relationship together. Not having sex within a partnership when one wants it and the other doesn't is the fastest way to ruin your relationship. Constant rejection causes huge self esteem issues for the rejected party. Resentment and bitterness for both. (plenty of threads on here with heartbreak of this type when the man doesn't want it - goes both ways)

It is absolutely your right not to have sex if you don't want it. In an ideal world your partner will be understanding and support you in discovering what is preventing you from the desire to be intimate with someone you love. The reality is that if this has gone on for too long, then you may have already descended into the bitterness/rejection/blame cycle and he will either leave or have an affair/sex outside marriage .
I would go to counselling on my own and work out if you want to be married whilst you are there

To be perfectly honest, a lot of men wouldn't be keen on going to counselling, particularly to discuss their sex life.

I'm in similar situation, I still want sex but not as much as he does and feeling pressured to do it is killling it overall for me. So yes my other half is partly to blame, but the reality is, only partly. I'll admit I am making no effort to mix the sex up, make it more exciting for me etc.

Go to counselling alone, you definitely need to look at yourself and accept some responsibility for the change in how you feel. Surely it isn't ALL because of him?

(I'm only giving my opinion on one side, not ignoring that husband is a tool, but I'm sure everyone else will have that aspect covered!!)

Op it doesn't matter where in the world you are your problems will always go with you, in this case he was sitting next to you on the plane.

I'de suggest you get your own counselling, and work out if you can carry on in this relationship 💐

Thank you for all your responses, I have gone to counselling on my own and it has resulted in me needing to talk to him about why I feel how I do. The reaon I want to go to counselling together is because he is so sensitive that anything that I say that he perceives as his 'fault' he gets angry and turns on me, so I thought a counsellor will act as an intermediary and help us talk it through. I know in my heart what I have to do but struggle withthe courage......

I agree with kitten that men are really simplistic about sex. Yours is a complete tit to boot if he's calling you a fridgid cow.

To be charitable to him (it hurts me to do this) he's probably feeling pretty rejected. I think your plan of counselling is a great one.

I lost all confidence in myself sexually a while back. Thankfully my dh was way more understanding than yours. He still didn't really get it. From his point of view it was like watching a starving person sat at a buffet but refusing to eat.

As a man, you folks saying men view sex simplistically shows how little you know. Especially about how MARRIED men view intimacy with their wives.

It's not about physical release. It's about being close, feeling loved and expressing to your partner how much you love them in the most primal way humans can. It's a way to strengthen the relationship.

That's the way it is for me and I suspect for the majority of men. I've told my partner this... that I need intimacy in a relationship. Otherwise, even though I'd be falling asleep next to another body every night, I'd feel so alone and unloved. I don't deserve that. The OPs husband doesn't deserve that. Any women out there that aren't getting this intimacy from their relationships don't deserve it.

There's a reason why sex is one of the top reason for divorce. Without sex, the relationship dies.

And look, it sounds like he's done things to you that have made him unattractive to you. That's fair. You may never want to have sex with him again. That's fair too. You need to tell him this.

How do you make him feel valued and special?

The reaon I want to go to counselling together is because he is so sensitive that anything that I say that he perceives as his 'fault' he gets angry and turns on me

That's not him being sensitive, that's him being abusive.

Counselling with an abusive partner is not advisable, because they'll just use the counselling sessions to abuse you further.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to advise you. More counselling for you, perhaps? Don't engage with him when he loses his temper? You are not at fault here, he is: unless he changes your life is going to get worse, not better, and you definitely don't deserve his insults or demands. The problem is he's not likely to change, and while you can and will change if you have enough good counselling, it might make him worse, not better, as he sees you getting stronger.

What a vile man, and he expects you to want sex more after calling you that. He sound emotionally stunted and inconsiderate; it takes two to make a happy relationship, he's putting all the blame on you, not looking good is it.