This may be long and very prepared to be told that I need to walk away! About two years ago my partner were going through a very bad patch with infertility, we both dealt with it very differently. My partner started going out a lot more and seemed quite resentful of me (I was a mess and desperate to have a baby, all I talked about etc). I don't really blame him for being 'off' me. He went away for work and on the day he returned he picked me up from my work and was absolutely vile to me, I was really upset as I was so excited to see him but he just seemed to loathe me. A few months later in an argument he shouted that he 'shagged someone's whilst away at work. I was devastated and went to live with my brother for a few weeks, he begged for me to come back and to talk. He told me he made it up to hurt me? I don't know why but I moved back in, things got better and I thought we were finally back to a really good place and then I went to stay in a holiday home with my parents for my mum's birthday. He was invited but he didn't want to go as he felt embarrassed after the recent events (my parents were very unimpressed with his behaviour). He said he was going to his friends to watch football, he text me a few times in the day and then nothing all afternoon and night (not like him). I woke up and knew something wasn't right, I rang him by video call and he was in our house in bed. All seemed fine and I went out with my family for a walk. During the walk my partner was ringing my dad several times, text to say he needed to speak to me. My dad handed me the phone and my partner told me he hasn't been to his friends at all and had gone to a town about an hour away for a night out and ended up at a group of ladies house (with his friends). I asked him if he cheated on me and he couldn't answer, then he eventually kept saying 'I'm so sorry 'mate'
I'm so sorry' he admitted to cheating/sort of. My dad called him and told him to move out of our house (did he hell). He went off to play football that day whilst I felt like my world had just ended. I had never felt pain like it, the pain almost felt physical. I really loved him so so much and felt our whole time together was a lie and my confidence took the biggest knock. He then rang me that evening denying everything! He said he was drunk and woke up with a lady's hands down his trousers when he fell asleep on the sofa and couldn't remember much else. He said the lady had done it for a joke..not that funny in my opinion. There's a bit more to it but I won't bore you with all the one and outs. A week later I took him back as he almost turned into a drug to me, I felt I couldn't live without him but I also couldn't live with him. I didn't cope well and ended up on anti depressants. I still get flashbacks of finding out and then I feel the pain all over again, I have tried to forgive him but I can't because I know he has lied..of course he has cheated on me! It's all there, all the signs, he told me..but he denies it all. I feel like I'm going mad and I can't move forward.
Since then he has made a spectacular effort to change, he's been a very good partner like he said he would. I know he is just too scared to tell me in case I leave him, but I feel like he's taking me for a fool and that's what I hate the most. How can I get the truth out of him. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave him and because he has been such a good partner since I'm not sure that I want to?