Just found out husband's seen a lawyer - feel sick

[bettyoops]

Just that really. Things seemed fine a few weeks ago. Everything has turned awful. I feel scared and sick for the future. Going to see a solicitor myself to hopefully see where i stand. Scared for the kids as they're high school age so will be aware. Atmosphere in house is not great with us just ignoring each other - him more than me.

Did he tell you or did you find out?

I phoned the lawyer myself this morning and they said they couldn't speak to me. I had a suspicion as he disappeared out the other day in his smart togs and wouldn't say where he was going. I imagine they'll let him know.

What happened to make your marriage?

So why has he taken this action now?
Is there OW?
Do you just have a horrible relationship now?

No OW that i know of or suspect of (though not sure about several times years ago). We seemed fairly happy though have had some big ups and downs, sex has been non existent for a while but we muddle along and grnerally good atmosphere at home,?we go gor meals and days out.

Then Every now and then he tells me he's had enough and i'm cold and unloving and he's unhappy. Think we've been plastering over cracks not wanting to deal with splitting up.

He had been angry at my recently for a few big fuck ups i did and He flew off at me verbally last week when i tried to raise an issue i was really unhappy with. All of a sudden our relationship seems totally down the pan.

If he has filed for divorce he should at least have the decency to tell you?! How did you find out about which solicitor he went to?

Think he probably went just to see where he stands and what happens but who knows. I think he's wanted out for a while and we're just been plodding on as it wasn't awful and for the kids.

So for those saying "he should have discussed it with you (OP)" all he's done is taken pretty much the advice every woman unhappy in her marriage is given when she comes on here - go and see a solicitor and find out what will happen before you discuss it.

I'm sorry, OP, that he might feel this is the end of the road for your marriage but it doesn't sound like it's coming completely out of the blue. Presumably he's had enough, believes the kids would ultimately be better off if you and he were apart, and has taken steps to start that process.

As pp have said, best that you get your own advice and try and move through the grieving process. I'm sorry that your relationship has broken down to this extent. It'll be very painful for a while, then get slowly better until you get to the point you feel life genuinely is better than when you were arguing with each other and/or going for days giving each other the silent treatment.

Are you content with the man you've married be utterly unhappy in his marriage to you? It sounds like he's been communicating his unhappiness in his relationship with you. Have you two done anything to fix it? Did you care enough to fix the issues he brought up?

If yes, then I think divorce would be what's best for him and you. Everyone deserves a relationship that makes them happy.

How did you find out? Do you know that he's seen the lawyer about potentially separating?

If not, I think you should talk to him. What if he went for another purpose, e.g. making a will.

I called the same lawyer and they said they couldn't speak to me (as they have obviously spoken to him first).

He hasn't acted like he's utterly unhappy, i think it will be a surprise to lots of folk. But, if he really wants out then yes, that is best and no point in being together. He has said in the past that he won't move out or not live with his children. I was feeling panicky at it all and worrying about practical stuff like how it will affect the kids and me financially in the long run. My mind is more at ease on the financial side now. I just don't know how he is going to act or how difficult he will be. Totally pretending I don't exist at the moment.

Hang on, you called the lawyer too. So you were doing the exact thing thst you are upset with him for doing?! That doesn't seem right. This must be a very horrid time for you OK and I hope you have some support around you. If the children are a bit older it might actually be something that has occured to them. They are very observant sometimes. Glad your mind is at easeon some things now.

I suspected he might have spoken to one and wanted advice as to where i stand. I'm not the one driving this - for the time being.

Are you going to approach him about it to wait to see what he does? I can't believe he is just ignoring you. That is mean and childish.

Just curious, but why did sex dry up? Did one of you take it out of the marriage unilaterally?

Last time we spoke he was repeatedly shouting at me to Fuck off and calling me a bitch - perhaps he's trying to keep calm and not spark off again - or the lawyer told him to give me no ammunition against him.

We had about a year of pretending each other didnt exist about 10 yrs ago and were close to having enough - don't want to go back there. I felt i was heading for a break down.

Sex? He first stopped being interested not long after we married. It caused me a lot of heartache at the time and caused me to withdraw emotionally a bit as well. It comes and goes a bit but I don't think i ever regained total trust again. Think we've been limping along though it's not all been bad at all. In fact ip to around a month ago, we seemed fairly settled, in sync.

Only ever a matter of time till we blow again though -eventually. I honestly don't know what i feel for him anymore.

Don't leave your home. If he wants to split then he either moves out or you have to cohabit until you can get the financial part of the divorce sorted. However, don't do anything else for him whatsoever, no washing, cooking, cleaning. If you have a spare room ask him to sleep there, or move into it yourself. If you don't sleep on the sofa or a mattress on the floor of one of your children's rooms. Tell him he will have to tell the children that he wants to separate since this is his call (but make sure you are with him so you know what he's saying and that he doesn't paint you as the bad guy). If he leaves dirty clothes or other stuff around dump them in his room on the floor. He doesn't want a wife so he hasn't got one. It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship anyway with patches of ok in between. Tell him he is looking after the kids 50% now so go out and do things you want and leave him to it so he gets a taste of what a lone parent has to deal with. Most importantly get a decent solicitor yourself and get advice as to where you stand financially, take copies of bank statements, pensions, life insurance policies, mortgage statements etc.

It sounds pretty miserable for both of you, OP. What stops you from biting the bullet and saying, "Come on, neither of us is happy - let's do something about a separation"?

Up until a few weeks ago we did seem happy or at least fairly happy, life was good and he had just bought me a £4000 eternity ring and we were planning a holiday away together without the kids. I think most folk will be very surprised.

But if he really doesn't want to be with me and doesn't see us growing old together then I can't do anything about that. Just need to make sure i get a good lawyer if it comes to it.

I'm sorry but there will be another woman in the mix. Absolutely certain.

Find yourself a good solicitor and try and rally your friends.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

You say things have been fine recently. Except he has told you he is unhappy lots of times, he screams at you and you have made serious fuck ups?

So its not been fine.

What were the fuck ups? Are they serious? Or is he just a dick?