close to a breakdown

[Enni2S]

I'm sitting on the toilet at work and I just feel so drained and sad. Bit of backstory. I've been (mostly) happily married to my Dh for 2 and a half years. We are both in our mid-twenties, have good jobs and are about to move into our own home. We have no children.

My Dh is generally lovely, but I feel like he is not pulling his weight when it comes to the day to day management of our household. We both work a lot, but he lives 3 miles away from work. Meanwhile I live 60 miles away from work and commute for up to 4 hours a day. It means that I come home at 7:30, whilst he's home just before five. Despite this, the guy still goes 'what's for dinner?' 'have you ordered the shopping?' and 'could you sort x y z out?'. I just find this increasingly unfair, but he simply doesn't seem to understand how much this is bothering me.

I feel stressed with commuting, trying to sort out our house sale and having to think about the cooking during the week. I end up with no free time, and then when it's the weekend and the cleaner is due to come (neither of us have the time to do full scale cleaning atm) he wants me to do at least half of the tidying that hasn't been done during the week!

The trouble is that he doesn't do it on purpose, it's more like he just doesn't see my situation properly, no matter how well we normally communicate. He is otherwise a great person who will seriously move the earth for me, so that is why this is even more upsetting. When I ask him for help he will sometimes do something, but most of the time it seems a pointless venture (e.g. he'll do 3 washes, put it through the dryer and dump it on the bed for me to put away). I just feel like I'm increasingly taking annual leave just to deal with my stress, and I'd just like him to help me out. What should I do?

Tell him in very clear terms exactly how stressed you are and bogged down with work and communing and that you need him to do at least his fair share, maybe devise a rota or set very clear responsibities. Or just stop picking up the slack and wait for him to notice. Good luck!

The only thing would be to stop doing stuff.
Eat before you get him so when he asks what's for dinner . Tell him you have eaten but he can see what he fancies from the fridge. After all you have been home for 2 hours.

When there is a pile of washing dumped on the bed put your stuff away and leave his.

It might make him think.

I recently ended it with my children's father after trying for years to get him to change and help me with the household. It was futile. We went to couples counselling, it was pointless. He's just a lazy slob (doesn't work) so not like hes knackered from a long busy day. I tried absolutely everything to get him to see my point, help more, take initiative. "tell me if you need me to do something"... He's a grown man, Ffs why should I have to. But I did and then I'd get" stop nagging". It will only get worse if you bring children in to the mix. I'm sorry but I doubt highly he will change. I really really do feel for you. The frustration is huge.

Is your new house 60 miles from work, too? I couldn't be doing with that level of commuting - you must be exhausted.

My exh worked in a job that was affected by weather. If he was rained off and at home, if I came home to being asked what was for dinner my response was "I don't know what is for dinner, you've had more planning time than me"

Oh he can see your situation properly alright. Domestic chores in his mind are too dull, boring and tedious to be done by men. Make a woman feel it was her destiny from the day she was born to lift a mop then he gets to relax, sit back and do something far more interesting while watching her run herself ragged on tasks that use 0.5% of her intelligence.
You don't need him to move the earth for you, you just need him to move the hoover.

Of course he knows he's doing it the lazy pig.
Time for straight talking.

Does he do 50%? Or is the problem that you want him to do more than you since his commute is shorter than yours?

Yes he has eyes and a brain so knows full well what you are having to do, he just doesn't care, for as long as you keep excusing it then it will just continue on. Time to put your foot down, he's either with you as a partner, a team, an equal or else you're done, why should you shoulder all that when he's the one home first, totally selfish.

Watch this
Get angry.
Then take steps for an even split on the chores and thinking load.
No wonder you feel close to a breakdown: you are doing 1 paid job and 2 unpaid jobs at home - managing domestic tasks AND doing almost all of them aswell.

When you tell him a job needs doing he makes sure he doesn't do it to a decent standard - dumping the clothes on the bed - because he knows you will decide it's easier just to do it yourself next time.

What's for dinner!!! Are you his mum??

I suspect you've been waaaaaaay too nice about this.

Day 1, I'd have been like:

Elspeth 😂
Seriously OP if you feel like you're close to a breakdown it's time to tell him to grow up and share the load. My DCs are the only ones who ask what's for dinner. DH has done this to me after I'd been working way, away from home one day. I can't even tell you what I said to him.

He doesn't do it on purpose ?

He has you well trained 😩

Thanks for all your replies

@BadHatter yes, I would like him to do more than 50% as he has an extra 10 hours of free time during the week. When he works late or works overtime he expects me to do 100% of the work, but I think the idea of him picking up the slack now is a sticking point. I get the feeling that my Dh doesn't feel that my commute is not free time as I commute by public transport.

What really frustrates me is that he is not a lazy sod in most ways, but it is a struggle to get him to do something that he sees as 'my job'. For example, he won't empty the bathroom bin because he never uses it. He doesn't seem to realise that this doesn't matter (like ffs, it's not like I will just cook food for myself). At the same time he has spent hours last weekend replastering the inside of the house, cleaning everything up and making me an egg sandwich, so I'm just banging my head against the wall wondering how his brain works.

I don't want to get too confrontational because I don't want him to have a chance to get defensive. When we move things should hopefully get better as our commutes will be the same, but I'm not 100% sure it'll work out like that (we'll both be 35 miles away from work, Dh has never had to commute in his life).

I feel like he is trying to make me happy, but he's just misguided about what would help me out most (even though I've talked about it!) and now my sanity is reaching the end of its lifespan and I fear for my career.
(someone told me a few days ago that I looked moody and tired).

His actions show a complete lack of respect for you really. And yes he does do this on purpose as well, he feels this is your job to do.

I would read this article:-

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

Things will NOT get better when you move house. Your location is not the problem.

The problem is his sense of entitlement . He believes that housework, cooking, laundry and the organisation of these tasks are YOUR JOB because you are a woman. And they are NOT his job because he is a man.

It's nothing to do with how long your commute or working hours are. Or how upset you are. Or even how close to a breakdown you are.

He doesn't give a flying fuck about any of this because it's his fundamental belief system. Unless he changes his , your life will only get worse. Especially if you are foolish enough to have children with him.

I know that you want to be all nicey nice and not be mean to him and upset him in case he gets " defensive " . You are damn right, why wouldn't he be defensive ? This is a great set up he has and of course he will fight anyone who tries to change it. I'd be really happy if I could get someone to do all the shopping,meal planning and cooking for me while I sat watching TV .

My advice to you is tackle this issue of his laziness now or it will destroy your marriage.

And don't whatever you do have children with him.

You are in a huge amount of denial

When his commute is longer he will do less and you will do more

Wishful thinking won't save you

@C0ral the reason I don't want him to get defensive is because it hinders a productive conversation which might actually change something. I said I didn't want to give him a chance to get defensive, not that I'm worried about upsetting him. Whilst I agree that there is an issue here and I'm losing the will to live, there are some things that I do not agree with.

My Dh doesn't in the slightest believe that housework is a woman's job. He does not walk around expecting me to do things because I'm a woman, he expects me to do things because I've always done them and it's always been fine. In his opinion, whomever works harder and longer should do the brunt of the work. Throughout our relationship that person has always been him, and now he is not readjusting properly. It's not my gender he's disputing, it's my career.

I work in an office and have access to my phone all day. I also technically work flexible hours ( can come and go whenever as long as I do fulltime hours) in his mind this means that I simply have more time, not just for the housework, but for everything else as well. Whether I'm a woman has nothing to do with it. He works in a manual environment and therefore couldn't in his opinion make the phonecalls, order household items and talk to the estate agent etc. I just wish he would realise how stressful that makes my day.

The other problem is that he'll say something like: 'Tell me to do more things, tell me to wash up everyday' it's like he'll do whatever you ask him, but he won't take responsibility for actually taking responsibility for getting shit done (I know this sounds weird, but I don't know how else to phrase it). He needs lists and plans and prompts and all of that is just really exhausting.

I don't want him to be a domestic goddess. I don't even really care if the washing up is left for two days. I just wish he would acknowledge that it's his responsibility now, not mine, to think about cleaning it up, or to put the washing away or God forbid, ring the estate agents.

Sorry for this rant, but it's difficult for me. I know there is a problem and I need to try and get on his backside more so that I don't go insane, but I'm not willing to accept that he is a sexist pig with a 1950s stick up his behind. I am going home early tonight and sit him down for a talk. I'll let you know how it goes.

P.S. I do not want children so that is not a factor or something I'm contemplating.

My ex was like this, he got really Hangry to boot as dinner wouldn't be ready when I walked through the door. He would come home from work and sit on the sofa for 2 - 2.5 hours before I got home, then the minute I was through the door pounce on me about what was for dinner.

He genuinely needed to eat before getting hangry, his mood was totally different when blood sugar stable, yet he wouldn't help himself God forbid actually help me too by preparing dinner. I would be questioning a future with him over this tbh. He isn't caring if he is leaving all meal planning to you, he could at least be doing some prep or heating something pre made.

My DH isn't a great cook but in these circumstances he would think about food preparation, or offer to buy in food/eat out.

My advice would be to sit down and talk about meal planning, food shopping, see what he comes up with? I cook in advance a lot these days but couldn't do it all the time.

It's called having the mental load.

Read this: www.google.ie/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

It's a great link Elspeth, I posted it above too. I really hope OP reads it and inwardly digests the message.

Oh sorry, I didn't see!

how did he manage when he lived on his own?

i'd just go on strike - don't do anything for him or anything re house sale etc.

once things grind to a halt and affect HIM then you can suggest an even split of tasks.