Please, how do I move forward from this ?

[pleaseswallowmeup]

I'm sitting here, literally depressed, hardly slept last night.

I was my sons dad for 10 years, I'm 23 and his 24 going on 25. During those 10 years I suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse; even after all his bullshit I went through with him, I still helped him when he was going through a tough situation.

I finally broke up with him last year for good (nearly a year) I didn't hear from him, he didn't see DS, apart from those once in a blue phone calls. About 2 months ago he got back in touch, started talking again blah blah. Basically the relationship rekindled.

Three weeks ago, nearly a month ago actually, we had sex ( for the first time since we got back together) and he was acting strange, being his controlling self, he also would make remarks on my appearance and say things like " you don't wear make up, other girls do", "you haven't changed, you look the same, your a child". I was with this guy for 9 years and he has never made those remarks before, in fact he used to say that I was unique looking and didn't need to wear make up (I have nothing against makeup , I just hardly wear it and I don't have the money ! ).

I then questioned myself thinking "why am I putting up with this shit again". I then broke up with him again.

Yesterday, I was out with DS having a lovely time, till I saw the ex (DS dad) with his ex ( most likely new girlfriend). Then it dawned on me, the remarks he was saying about my looks, he was actually comparing me to her. When I got pregnant again last year and he was forcing me to have an abortion and acting weird ( I didn't and sadly miscarried ). He was most likely with her, the months when he basically just disappeared and hardly saw DS, when I broke up with him, he was busy with her but blamed the fact he didn't see DS or contact us was because he was angry I filed for child maintenance.

How can I be so fucking stupid ?!!

Anyway, when we saw DS dad with his ex, we walked past him (DS didn't notice him), the dad then suddenly nudges my shoulder, said "Hi" to DS, looked me up and down and walked off. I kept it very casual, didn't want to evoke anything cause DS was with me.

I just feel so hurt Mumsnetters, I'm 23, struggling with my 6 year old autistic DS, he hardly does anything for him, doesn't buy him shit, doesn't see him that often, doesn't contribute to any of DS private therapies. But look at me, stupid as fuck to go back to that. Whilst his there living the single life.

How can I move forward from this, I'm so hurt and angry. I guess life is really unfair.

@pleaseswallowmeup Hun your not stupid only if you ever go back there again....

I'm the same age and I know it's hard with a child on your own mines only a baby but I can imagaine yours is a lot more of a struggle...

Cut him out both of your lives you both deserve much more...

Don't let him pick you up and drop you and don't let his negative shit pull you down someone else will appreciate all you have to offer just cus he is a idiot and can't see it ....

Make your little boy the only person that matters he will always love and appreciate you and he will bring your confidence back up ...

Good luck Hun xx

It's very hard Ms, it's like everything I've been told was a lie, three weeks ago he was declaring his love for me and now this?!! I'm not going to trust anyone again.

I feel like everything is my fault.

@please no it's not Hun he is just a arsehole who has played you, your son and the way your mind is working... none of this is your fault control is a massive thing it's the same as bullying it takes a lot for someone to realise they have been bullied .. he has bullied you... now it's time to look at the positives and forget his sorry backside because in a short time when you've moved on and got you and your life on track he will still be the same bloke he is now they don't change but he will come worse off karma is a bitch trust me ... keep your head up Hun you've done nothing wrong xx

Thank you Mrs that means a lot

This isn't your fault OP, you were really young when you got with him and it doesn't sound as though you've had any opportunity to learn about relationships from anyone other than him. The fault is with him, he's a manipulative, abusive arsehole and you (and your DS) deserve so much better.

Can I suggest you look up whether there's a Freedom Programme near you? If you don't know it's a course run by Women's Aid to help you recognise the signs of an abusive/unhealthy relationship and strengthen your boundaries and awareness so you can have healthier relationships in the future.

I think it would be good for you, it'll help you stay away from your ex because you'll be able to see him for what he really is and it'll teach you how to avoid arseholes like him in the future. I think it would be really good for your self esteem and would help you feel that you're moving on and doing something positive for yourself. It's also an hour or so a week where you can just focus on you, being a single mum is bloody hard and all consuming so having something that forces you out of 'mum-mode' and makes you think about yourself might give you more of a lift than you'd think.

You can do it online but it's better to do it in person if you possibly can. It's also worth ready Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that', sometimes understanding why someone has treated you the way they have is the best/only way to stop them having power over you. You really are better off without him though, come back and talk anytime you feel low or like you're weakening towards him, we will support you

Thank you Hiding, I have already been on the Freedom programme. But I guess it's something I have to go on again.