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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you do this to your children

18 replies

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:16

I have been thinking of asking on here. Someone I know has recently split from DH and she is the one who has moved out, by choice. The children spend one week with her and one week with Dad.

Fits round their work arrangements. I just can't see that this is fair to the kids, all school age under 12 years.

Its annoying me and I'm finding it hard to talk to her at school.

She just fell out of love with DH. Just got fed up and wanted to leave.

OP posts:

Hathor · 19/03/2007 23:18

Each to their own. Unless you know her really well, then there will be much more to it than you see on the surface. Sounds like they are both supporting the children.

brimfull · 19/03/2007 23:20

My dh's mother did this ,he was 7,his brother 5.She stopped seeing them after a few weeks ,then got in touch when we had dd ( 23 yrs later!).Thye have a civil relationship now ,but not a mother/son relationship.He won't talk about his feelings,it isn't talked about...very weird really.
I can't imagine being able to walk away from my children.

starfairy · 19/03/2007 23:22

As long as the kids are happy & well looked after thats the main thing.

How well do you know her & why is it annoying you?

chipkid · 19/03/2007 23:22

the bast arrangements for the children are those that BOTH parents agree on. Children are resillient if they feel that both parents support the arrangement then they will cope with it much better.

fireflyfairy2 · 19/03/2007 23:23

But there will be a whole lot of stuff that will never be known. Maybe the woman suffers from something & cannot handle the children all the time? So it works better for her if she leaves & the kids stay in their home with their dad, visiting her for a week at a time?

I don't think I could ever walk away from my children, and she hasn't really, but my guessing is there is a lot more to this if you scratched the surface How unhappy is she bound to feel

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:23

Sorry for you DH, that must have been hard.

My thoughts are the kids having alternate homes, every 7 days.

OP posts:

mysonsmummy · 19/03/2007 23:24

she hasnt walked away from them they are seeing them both. whys it annoying you anyway its obviously working for them and its their business.

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:27

Its annoying me because I can't have an open discussion, but I can here. I have never seen a similar arangment.

OP posts:

starfairy · 19/03/2007 23:30

Doesn't sound any different from any family when it breaks down, just that kids have equal amount of time with each parent.

VioletBaudelaire · 19/03/2007 23:31

Lots of children spend the week with one parent and the weekends with another.
I think this sounds like an arrangement that has been made to lessen the impact of the split on the children.
If it works for the whole family, then that is good.
I expect they will need lots of support from their friends and family as they all learn to adapt to this new way of living.

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:33

Equal time yes.

Don't you think it would be better for the children to have one base and the adults to move in and out of the childrens home instead of the children moving around? If that was ever possible.

Proably not very clear.

OP posts:

Aloha · 19/03/2007 23:34

I knew an absolutely lovely woman who had an almost identical arrangement with two school aged (almost neighbouring streets) and the children could vary the arrangement if they wanted. I met her children who were lovely and very happy. As she said, her ex was still her daughters' father and he loved them as much as she did and was a very good parent, so it seemed fair and reasonable to her. I do think you should not be so judgemental.

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:36

I am not being judgemental. I haven't said this is crappy or wrong.

OP posts:

Aloha · 19/03/2007 23:39

Um, you said it was 'annoying' and 'you can't see this is fair to the kids' and 'I'm finding it hard to talk to her at school' and "would you do this to your children'. It does sound judgemental, I'm afraid.

fireflyfairy2 · 19/03/2007 23:39

No, you haven't said it's crappy or wrong.

You have just sid you can't see how it's fair on the kids. But really, how much fairer could it get? The both parents get to see their children & the kids get to see both their parents for an equal amount of time.

If you know the lady wouldn't you just discuss it with her, ask if the arrangement is working well, & how lucky her children are that they still see both their parents. It would be awful if the split had been nasty & arguments in front of the kids. This sounds like they are both working at it for the sake of the kids.

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:43

They are not speaking to each other. Her parents lived with them and she isn't speaking to them either. Her mum has been ill and she didn't even know or care and said so infront of the kids.

You are right, I'll mind my own business.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 19/03/2007 23:46

I'm tired and have only skimmed the thread but I do know how it feels to feel annoyed by a friend when they break up a marriage for reasons that you can't fathom which will forever impact on the kids

so some sympathy

but just stay out the way

Original poster

wotzsaname · 19/03/2007 23:47

thanks Cappuccino

OP posts:

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