Feeling really down about everything

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

I left my H nearly a year ago, he was abusive and violent. I know logically it was the right choice, for me and my DDs. But I feel so down right now - I've just changed jobs to be around for DCs more, but I'm at full stretch financially. By bad luck I had some large unexpected house bills this month, and I'm fucked for money. I can't afford to buy DD1 summer sandals, even cheap ones and it makes me feel such a failure. I won't be able to take them away anywhere for a holiday.

STBXH has blithely moved an hour and a half away, found a new girlfriend who he introduced to DCs straight away, is having an amazing social life and no money worries. His GF comes from a well off family and he has taken DCs on holiday to the family country home, and is going to another property in the summer, all for free. I know comparisons will only make me miserable but it fucking infuriates me that all the stress, work and worry is on me and he is untouched by any consequence.

The worst thing is that I feel I'm failing my kids with my parenting. I'm quick tempered, tired and grumpy. I got them out of the life we had so they didn't have to walk on eggshells round their dad, now they have me snapping and shouting when they squabble or won't go to bed. I know all they need is my love but sometimes I feel so absent from them and just like I want space. They deserve better than me as a mum, god knows I gave them a bad enough dad.

I just feel tired and low. I considered taking time off work with stress to try to rebuild, but that would just be like the rest of my life - laundry, housework, trying to entertain the kids - it wouldn't be a break. And I can't afford to look flaky at work as I am the breadwinner and so much depends on me. Please help me get a grip and cope better, I'm such a fucking failure ☹️

Just
You're not a failure. It's hard to do it all alone.
Reject all comparison - when you start comparing what you can offer with what the ex and his friend can offer, stop. Just stop.
How old are your children?

Thank you for replying Barry, and for the flowers. I know you're right, and I should just not compare. STBXH does like to make sure I know all about his perfect life though, and when I'm tired and down it's hard not to feel angry and bitter. I want him out of my head so I can focus on being a good mum.

I have been where you are OP, it is tough being the victim of abuse, and the perpetrator getting off scot free, which is pretty much how it is.

I look back at those days and wonder how I survived, but I know the alternative would've been far far worse. Kids aren't stupid, they know what's going on. A year is nothing OP, it's like a bereavement and you'll go through stages. It's unfair I know, he gets all the fun stuff, and you're knocking yourself out with the mundane everyday stuff, hard not to be irritable and bad tempered.

It won't always be this way, GF probably won't last, kids get older and wiser. I know it's very difficult, but at least the DC are getting a break away with him. Single parenting is the hardest job I know and you are doing great (though it may not feel like that).

Give yourself a break, it's all understandable, and you're ok, you're doing, and will do, just fine

OP, I also left my H due to abuse. I have 2 DC & often feel like a crap mum. I get depressed &
angry & feel overwhelmed. Meanwhile, although XH doesn't have a GF, wealthy or otherwise, he has plenty of money. He took early retirement at Christmas & now swans around Europe. He thinks he's a saint & so does everyone on his side; family & friends believe the sun shines out of his arse! It enrages me.

I wish I could be of some help to you but all I can do is assure you you're not alone.

You guys sound like how my mum must of felt. She was in the same position as you.

Once I was old enough to realise that my mum was doing everything she could and was for my own good. I always speak highly of her and although my dad is more popular in town, bigger social circle, I am always quick to point out that my mum brought me and my sister up without him been around.

I hope your kids see this and speak as highly as I do about my mum. God I miss her so much.

Bless you EElisa it is hard. I am in the same position but a few years down the line. I have been through the resentment and anger - this is what makes you snap and be grumpy. I did a lot of meditation- I was not angry at my children, I was angry at my ex and the unfairness of the situation. But I was also hurting, because of the way things had worked out.

The best thing I did was no contact with xH. He pushes those boundaries all the time, and I ended up taking it to court, but it is the single best thing, he can have his nice and easy life but I do not need to know about it. My life is in my house/with my children/doing my job and finding some space for the things I enjoy (minimal but important) - he has no place in it.

Handovers should be brief, no discussion needed, you can send a note in the children's bag if there is anything he needs to know. You need to concentrate on your life.

First year I left, we did not have a holiday either. It was fine, in fact it was great - I learned more about my area than I had previously known. There will usually be lots of things for children, and your DC can also see their friends.

Have you had any counselling?

Thank you so much HowLong, diodatl and Cocoa, it's very comforting to know I'm not alone feeling like this. Damon thank you also for giving me the child's point of view, your mum sounds like she did a great job.

Meditation sounds like a good option Cocoa. I have no idea how to get started but i do want to have more control over my emotions and be less angry and bitter. I have had some counselling and arranged it for DD1 too but it's so expensive I think I have to stop now my pay is reduced. I've been on a waiting list for free counselling since I involved the police for a bad incident of DV - now four and a bit years ago. My health visitor said she would chase it up recently.

Do you have a smartphone? You can download meditation apps (I used one called Mindfulness), or find meditations on YouTube. I like Tara Brach; you can listen to her talks and meditations on her website (Google her mane) - they are free, she just asks for a small donation whatever you can afford.

Or your local library will have books in the well-being section.

I tend to pray as well, but that is not everyone's cup of tea. But many people find comfort in knowing they are not alone in the world, even if they don't believe in a higher power than us. A lot of meditation is about the interconnectedness of things; so even things which bring us to the edge can be an opportunity for growth. Tara Brach is good for a sense of community.

For me, leaving an abusive relationship, the thing has been turning off the inner critic; and the 'should' voice. There is not a way you have to be; you are good enough as your self.

Oh thank you Cocoa, as it happens I was just googling meditations on You Tube! I agree about the self critical voice, that's totally me. Well and often STBXH too, he still manages to pull me down telling me how useless I am. I'm thinking of putting some notes on the wardrobe of things to say to myself every day, does that sound mad? You are good enough as you are is a great one to start me off.

So sorry to hear this. I sometimes feel similar and I'm married. After all the working, then housework and then trying to function as mum whilst you see those around you seemly taking everything in their stride, it's depressing and it makes you short tempered as you said.
Best I can say is chin up, it won't always be like this and you're doing fine

I felt very much like this shortly after my split with xh. They seem to have all the freedom and you get all the drudgery. And don't get me started on Disney dads

But you do have something far more precious which is the time you have with the kids. You won't always appreciate it but over the years when you do the lion share of the caring, you get used to it and grow to really enjoy it - and develop a really close bond - that's my experience anyway.

Not every day is good even 6 years on but I wouldn't change a thing now - but it takes time

Thank you everyone. Achoopichu you're right. STBXH can have all the Disney stuff. I have every day with my kids, and I will try to focus on chilling out, being less hard on myself and enjoying them.

Yes, don't be too hard on yourself. There will be bad days and good days and really fab days. I'm lucky my kids like walking up the local hills with a picnic, kite flying on a beach, and camping, cos it'll be a few years before we can afford any holiday abroad, if ever. There are fab free things to do that you can tap into, but it's pants when money is tight. Hang in there x

for you

You are not a failure and the kids just want you and them to have fun, they don't need a holiday. Do you have tesco clubcard vouchers? You can exchange them for fun days out - £2.50 worth is normally a £10 entry into somewhere - I use all mine for these now, they make for some fun days out. Also join a facebook group called Happy Days Out for some cheap or free days out.

Op I have felt at times exactly like you post separation. I went inside exh house for the first time in 18 months. He owns it and I rent. He has had some renovation work done it looks lovely. It's a lonely big family home. He works abroad and I can barely afford to pay for childcare. I know it could be worse for me and I have the kids most of the time but it's gutting. Just split from another borderline abusive man and I'm back to square one and tax credits and all the penny pinching. I am bitter!!

My children are adults now and parents. Suddenly they have different insights and say things like "you were always there". Honestly long term that's what counts, the daily grind, not the flash holidays. Just keep at it, sounds like you're doing a great job to me!

Thank you everyone you're very encouraging. I've tried out a few meditations and have made a list of fun low cost things we can do together. to all of you in the same position. Maybe we can be a little mutual support group.