I feel like adult DD prioritizes ILs over her family - AIBU?

[OneScotchOneBourbonOneBeer]

DD lives with her fiancé in London, but regularly comes back to our area (couple of hours drive) as both us and her fiancé's parents live here. Sometimes they stay with us, sometimes with them. All fine. Often they'll stay there then come up to ours as we're a bit further west, but it seems that plans with ILs always come first. Eg last weekend they were up and DD was going to come for dinner on her own, but then cancelled on the Saturday. Then it was Sunday with fiancé but then it was cancelled again, without real reasons. I was chatting to other DD and she mentioned that she saw pictures of her with ILs posted on Facebook, so it seems they decided to do something with them instead.

This kind of thing has happened more than once and I'm getting a bit hurt by it. Often if we do do something it has to fit round plans of fiancé and his parents. I thought we had a good relationship - we have helped them renovate their flat etc and provided some financial support at times. ILs have not done this. I know it's not a competition or anything and I don't want her to feel she is obliged to do things with us but I am hurt when their plans always seem to come first. AIBU? Do I need to back off? Should I broach it with her?

You should absolutely talk to her about it. In a calm voice tell her that it hurts your feelings when she abruptly cancels your plans. She is being very immature and inconsiderate.

You could say something about plans being changed, but do not mention the ILs at all, that wouldn't paint you in a good light. I think relationships ebb & flow & you will be favoured over ILs at some point. I have sensed my mum feeling like you are at times & also MIL. You could certainly express how much you want to see them & go to visit them.

It could be that she finds it hard to say no to them??

Maybe chat to her. It may be that the ILs put pressure on them to spend more time with them. That's exactly what my ex ILs did to me. I had no choice but to spend more time with them just to keep the peace. This was at the expense of time with my family, who I knew were more easy going and wouldn't give me a hard time. I may be wrong about your DD but when you speak to her bear in mind she might be in a tricky situation. I missed my parents so much in the 7 years I had this, missed mothers and Father's Day, christmases, birthdays etc. I'm making up for it with them now I have the toxic ex and ILs gone from my life

It's rude to cancel plans last minute, unless you're sick or there's an emergency.

You should talk to her - tell her you look forward to seeing her when she makes plans, and that you find it rude when she cancels and you see she's gone out with someone else instead. Try not to make it about the in-laws at first - just say you don't appreciate being cancelled on.

Thanks all. Will raise issue of cancelling without mentioning ILs.

She may find them more interesting and fun to be around. I have had Inlaws I preferred to spend time with.

It's hard, in a way, when parents and ILs live close (though great in many others!). I have this situation (being the daughter) and I feel guilty if I've been in the area and see one but not the other, or for longer - there's usually good reason for it though.

I do think you should mention subtly to your daughter - maybe something like it's a shame not to see more of them when they're over that way anyway? It may be that your daughter is very aware of it and is trying to work on it anyway. Or not; but at least be open.

Tough situation, I hope you manage to feel better about it.

user yes that may be true, though it's hard not to feel bitter about it if true. As in, she's happy for the money help but not to actually spend time with us.

eyedrops I don't mind at all her seeing his family. Obviously they will have family events etc that he wants to attend etc, it's the fact that our plans are (apparently) always secondary to theirs.

I know I used to find it really difficult to say no to my in laws (who are lovely). Much easier to say no or not right now to your own parents!!
I did realise at one point though, that I was striving so hard to include my i laws that I was neglecting my folks (not proper neglect ). I apologised to my mum and it's not an issue anymore. Takes practise though!