Seperating from wife

[Viking64]

Hi everyone first things first I'm not a mum but I am a good dad. My wife and I have been married 27 years and like most we've had our ups and downs along the way. 7 weeks ago my wife said she loves me but not in love with me. (The sentence guaranteed to make you feel like you've been punched in the stomach) she wanted to sale our home immediately but I've said I'm not going anywhere for 2 years because this is our sons home.he is 23 but he's still my little boy as far as I'm concerned. She has a regular walking buddy and has admitted she has grown close to him.we have grown apart and if she finds what she is looking for with him then that's what she will do.I think I'm ok then I'm not and it goes on.my son has told me he will not live with either of us when we split because he would feel guilty about the other one on their own.my son knows nothing about her closeness to him but has started to question me about it but i dont want him to know but because of my wife's decision I will lose my son as well and that hurts more than everything else .we are still living under the same roof although more like housemates and weirdly I miss her more when she's in the house because It reminds of what I going to lose. Anyway I thought I was the only one going through this until I found mumsnet so thanks for reading

I'm sorry, this is a really tough situation.

I hope that your wife has had the decency not to start an affair with her friend but you should prepare yourself that she might have done. I don't say that to hurt you - but there is a reason she has ended your marriage now, and whilst that might be because she knows she wants to it further with her friend, it might also be because she already has.

As for not selling the house for 2 years? A mistake, I think.

Firstly, you need to be practical. Will the equity in the house fund two other houses or are one or both of you looking at mortgages? Because you must be in your 50s I'd guess - even 60s. So 2 additional years could make a big difference to how easily you can get a mortgage.

If there's any chance she hasn't cheated and might realise what she's giving up, that's more likely to happen with a For Sale sign outside the house than without.

You're not going to lose your son. He's 23, he could fly the nest at any time. And even though it's heartbreaking to not live with him now when you could be, that relationship was always going to have to make a transition soon. You won't lose him.

It's probably unrealistic to stay in the same house for two years. You happy watching her date? Happy that in a year you might want to date and a woman might say to you "no, messy - I'm not dating a man still living with his wife".

I would say to her - you don't want to end it, and would she go to counselling? If it's a no, tell her you'll take legal advice, suggest she does the same - and start to take action.

Good luck

So sorry that you're going through this. It's an awful situation for you. Tell your DS that he'll always have a home with your or your W and that he shouldn't feel guilty at all about which one of you he lives with. That you'll never make him feel awkward about yours and his DM's relationship. It must be a real struggle for him as well.

If your W is ready to leave, then you probably won't have much of a choice regarding the sale of your home. Don't try to hold on to the past. Let it go. You will start to feel better the less you see of her and eventually, you'll make a good life for yourself. Do you have someone IRL to confide in and for support? You could see a counsellor to help you through this difficult time. I did.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your kind words. In 2 years I can pay my mortgage off by drawing 25% from my mortgage. Which will make a big difference in what I would be able to buy.as for my wife I don't believe her when she says nothing has happened but as far as I'm concerned if someone confesses to having feelings for someone else then the damage is already been done.she is a lot further down the break up road than me.even my son has commented to me that she don't seem too bothered. You can feel very lonely when thus happens but we will all come out the other side

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It will be hard, but you absolutely can rebuild your life and have a happy future without your wife, but waiting two years to sell your home is a terrible decision. It will only drag out the pain and awkwardness. I understand your son is your "baby", but treating him like one is doing him no favours. He's 23. He's a grown man! He should be out in his own already, anyway. It's time for both you and him to strike out on your own.

I think you mean 25% from your pension.
Well, your pension is a marital asset and 50% of it might be subject to a pension sharing order in your wife's favour.
Obviously she may be the higher earner now or in the past and that might not apply.
But I throwing the shock (though far from uncommon) statement out there to drive home to you that you can't just assume things like that.
You using your TFLS to pay off the mortgage doesn't mean that you wait 2 years to sell the house.

Noted also that you still have a mortgage.
Who is paying that?
If it's you, and you wait two years to split, that's two more years of potential house price increase and definite mortgage repayment that you will be splitting between you.
Assuming you've had the mortgage a while later payments are more capital vs interest, so that 2 years is probably not an inconsiderable sum compared to total equity.
At the very least, I'd be talking to a solicitor about a separation agreement pre divorce to clarify both parties intentions on asset split in 2 years time.
I know I probably sound antagonistic, but damned if I'd be paying 2 more years of mortgage for a cheating (?) spouse to take half of that.

Viking64

You need proper legal advice.
Your pension is probably half hers and so is the house or any equity in the property.

IMO, now or 2 years down the road wont make any real difference.

But getting proper legal advice will, some solicitors do a free 30 minutes, look around for that.

Make plans and try to organise an amicable split as soon as possible. Firm but fair.
Don't worry excessively about your son, you both love him and although things will change it will anyway soon.
Do the MN 'ducks in a row' thing and get finances sorted in expectation of a split. You need facts not emotions ultimately.
Although my (almost EX DW) is probably not having an affair I feel to be in a similar situation but through being overly 'sentimental' and thinking she would come round at the beginning have messed up big time.

Yes I meant pension sorry.my wife has a bigger pension than me but to be honest I'd want her to move out now so when I do sell up I'll at least be used to being on my own.I know my son is an adult and will eventually break away but for now this is his home .it's quite amazing how people you thought you knew can change isn't it

Why would she move out though? Can you afford to buy her out? In that case you don't need to sell up.

Firstly OP you have my utmost sympathies. I have only recently separate from my ex after 16 years. My decision and no-one else involved. We had to live together for a few months until the house sold and it was utter hell. When he told me he was finally moving out I was pleased but then after he left, I have felt lonely and empty. I'm struggling to adjust and have been feeling very down.
I can't offer any actual advice, just that others are going through similar things. People will tell you it will get better but, that doesn't really help in the short term.
If you hang on for 2 years does that mean you will have to continue living together? I wouldn't advise that for your own sanity and you won't be able to move on.

Also your wife might seem to be moving on but she may find it hard when you do properly split. I came across like this too when I ended things but reality has now set in - its a long time to be with someone and then suddenly not.

Thanks everyone for your input. It all makes sense and I will speak to a solicitor if I can get a free 30mins that would be good. I'm glad I posted I never thought I'd get any replies so thanks again

30 minutes goes very quickly at a solicitors. Do some research online ASAP so you can be aware of what you are getting into then prepare a 'bullet point' list of the 'tricky' questions that the internet cannot provide answers to. Wikivorce and other sites have useful information. CAB may also be of help but it seems that some questions have 'it all depends' answers which ultimately comes down to a split worked out between yourselves or by use of solicitors then finally 'judged' by a family Court.
There is also mediation which I think if you are both in agreement over the details can be waived.

Hi OP I'm another one living in limbo. I discovered 6 months ago that my H has been unfaithful with many partners during our marriage. In the beginning I was shell shocked and I couldn't face making any decisions. I also have a son of similar age living at home.

Living together in this situation is very difficult and initially I thought I could stick it out until the mortgage was paid off in 3 years. I know realise this won't be possible. My son knows about H's infidelity (he actually found all the emails to OW on family laptop) and as a result is currently moving into his own house. This has made things easier and I've now decided to move into a flat we have that is a buy to let. The tenant is leaving anyway anyway at the end of the summer so no one is being made homeless.

We have agreed that my H can live in the house as I want a new start and the house is too big for me to manage all the jobs that need doing. When the mortgage is paid off we will most probably sell it. In the interim we have agreed a financial settlement until the house sale. I have had my free half an hour with a solicitor so know what I'm entitled to so if H reneges on our agreement I will get it drawn up officially. We both have no wish to get involved in a costly wrangle via a solicitor if we can avoid.

I think , like me, your son is your main priority so it would be good to help him out, if you can to find a place of his own when you feel strong enough.

I don't know why people are bashing the wife. It sounds as if you have simply grown apart and she wants to end the relationship.

Your child is an adult.I was 18 living away at university and had a 2 year old at 23. So realistically I don't see why you need to wait 2 years it would be different if he was a child. If you can buy her out buy her out or alternatively split the assets accordingly.
It's difficult to gauge a lot from your post because her POV maybe entirely different.

I have had many friends who have split up with their dp who divided their assests accordingly sometimes relationships don't work out, understandly I get it's hard for you and it will take some time to get your head around things.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It certainly is a whirlwind of emotions. My wife seems full of life and happy and when I've asked her about what she will do when she leaves the family home (she won't be here much longer I believe )she says she's not really thought about it which is totally alien to my wife as she is a meticulous planner.it's sad when she's out all day but sadder when she's here if that makes sense

I don't think anyone was bashing my wife.from my point of view I take the stance that my wife wants this but that doesn't mean I have to sell the house because it suits her wishes it will be sold obviously but when it's mutually agreed and at this moment in time it doesn't suit me.

Viking64

If her pension pot is bigger than yours you may be able to trade some of that against her share of the house.

she keeps her pension you pay a smaller amount for her share of the house.

It would definitely be wise to get all of both of your financial information.

Tell your son the truth, why should you cover for your wife, the marriage is over because is having an emotional affair.