Everything has gone wrong

[rosetintedbex]

Been lurking for ages, but now I really feel like I need your valuable help and wisdom I've read so often on here.
Really long to explain, I'll be as brief as I can be.
I'm 39, been with partner 5 years and lived together for 4 and half, no DCs
He has been EA the whole time we've been together, though I've only recently admitted it to myself, examples being terrible temper at any given moment, no physical violence. Very self centred, awful with money, often squandering rent money on random things he wants, going out to drink etc. Does not like to be challenged about any of his behaviour, ridiculously laid back attitude, works full time but does nothing in the house, moans when I ask him to take me shopping (he drives I don't), will act like a spoilt child if everything isn't perfect, though he does nothing to help improve things he dislikes. Found my anxiety condition going through the roof, walking on eggshells constantly, never had much of a sex life with him, but not been intimate for several years for a variety of reasons, but plodded along as his enabler, though seriously unhappy.
A month ago he said he didn't love me any more, I had become an entity(?) and his feelings towards me had changed, said immediately there was no one else, but of course there was as he revealed several days later and left for a week.
I am not entirely blameless in all of this, I'd been distracted by a man I'd known for a while who was being supportive of me and my feelings grew for him. This was the turning point for me to get the courage to leave. I'd never met up with him BTW, it was calls and texts.
Despite this I felt terribly hurt and jealous, though I've not much right to be. I did the 'pick me' dance and he came back.
We'll both be leaving to stay at other places as we need to downsize, but I'm having real trouble leaving the current house as it's in a far more convenient location for work and I have travel issues as a major part of my anxiety.
He shows very little remorse about the OW, initially refusing to block her number and Facebook page and defended her when I called her terrible things. He still gets stroppy if I bring her or the issue up and of course, I can't trust him. Sounds rich coming from me I know, such a mess. He says he went off the rails, he had been off his medication for depression when it all happened, he's back on it now and he wants us back on track, new place to start over, though his behaviour and treatment of me is no different.
I've started to move my things out, but I keep avoiding actually going. The man I'm talking to has been very sensitive and sensible about my situation and doesn't want to rush in to a relationship, but with the delays and excuses I have been making not to go, the contact has dwindled, as I'm embarrassed I haven't been able to make the break, which I know will be positive in time.
I just feel so lost, upset, angry with current partner, though I have never and couldn't show him my anger, the only person I'm able to turn my anger on is myself internally. I have been writing a journal, doing an online CBT course and self referred for counselling as I know I've got plenty of problems to resolve.
No option available to me currently is one that I want, where I want to be. I don't think I even know who I am. I have family in RL, but don't want to talk to them about this all in depth, I'm a private person, but also scared to admit failings/embarrassed and have no friends to turn to.
This, believe it or not is the super short version, with hopefully enough that I avoid the dreaded drip feed.
I have no savings, hobbies, confidence or self worth. I'm not sure of my interests or future career path. Turning 40 has a lot to do with it I'm sure, but I've achieved nothing and have nothing to show for my life.
I am kind, to a fault, but I'm not even sure I'm a good person any more.
Please help if you can offer any pearls, I'm so desperately sad and alone.

Does your partner know about the OM? Would you be willing to cut OM out if your partner cuts out OW?

What a mess. 🙄

What are you getting out of this relationship other than misery?

LTB and cut ties with OM as well. You need some time alone, to figure out what you want and to gather your self worth.

Badhatter no he doesn't and as I'd already been slowly planning my exit strategy before OM and OW were in the picture I thought I'd never have to.
He'd literally lose it if he knew, though is fine with me accepting his infidelity.
Yup, a total and utter bloody mess.

I tried to get my head round the full picture. Surely it just comes down to leaving him and most likely not starting anything with OM either. You need to sort yourself out alone.

Bitchqueen - I get nothing from it, sadly, I never really did. It's a reflection of my own issues I know and you're right about what I should do now, it's just completely terrifying and overwhelming. I'd just arrived at the point that the unknown was a better option than feeling disrespected and undervalued, when the other complications of other people came about. Now I'm clinging to the devil I know and wondering why I'm still unhappy. It's obvious to me and I know exactly what advice I'd give someone in my position, much harder to live it with few resources, friends and ways to enjoy spending my time. Back to the doctor tomorrow I think!

Wingsofnylon - it is a drawn out situation, thank you for taking the time to read it though.
You're right, it boils down to me relying on me and fixing my issues, I've just had so many let downs, disappointments and bereavements this year alone that I'm clinging to anything that feels 'normal' or makes me feel good, even if it is toxic, damaging long term or badly timed. I'm really not a stupid person, I promise, just lost and floundering.

Why are you trying to force a relationship with him? He sounds truly awful! Are you scared of him? It feels like thr convenience of the location of the house is an excuse for you not to break free. Look for a property just for you nearby if that's where you want to be and leave.

You both sound miserable!

OP - put on your suit of protective armour - I mean this in the best possible way - having been in your situation many times in the past - the reason you can't think straight is that you have had a long term relationship with someone who is abusive. I'm surprised you know left from right.

You are addicted to being an enabler - you have adopted this role which makes you feel good so when there is a risk of no longer being 'needed' (ie when it looks like the relationship will end) you panic because you don't yet know or remember how to be okay on your own or with someone who doesn't need enabling. But this is the goal, right?

Although you have great insight the only way forward is to leave this poisonous relationship. It's the only way to learn to love yourself - all the crisis in bad relationships just serve to detract us from loving ourselves.

The idea of leaving will probably make you feel scared - because your 'normal' is actually 'abusive'. It takes time to readjust this belief.

Of course you can continue to be addicted to your behaviour in which case you'll be rewriting this thread as you come up to 50.

We're both forcing the relationship I think catherinebee. We're similar in the fact that we both hate change, don't want to be lonely, have confidence and anxiety issues and that's why we stay, miserable or not.
A recipe for disaster right?

He is extremely difficult to live with and I know I'm not always a sunbeam myself, but I'm certainly not aggressive, unpredictable, reckless with money or a drinker. I have really put a huge effort in, just to recently realise I'm just an enabler.
My intentions are exactly as you advise, but yes, the convenience is the biggest factor. I think although this all began a month ago I'm still getting over the shock of it all. I've got to take action now though, staying here is solving nothing.

What do YOU want for yourself. That man you're with is no good for you. You'd be so much happier without having to deal with someone like him in your life.

I think your onscious of your age. The years fly by. Don't live another 5 or 10 years in an unfulfilled relationshiop.

There is a good life out there for you. Speak to someone in your family or a friend. Somone that you trust. You don't have to reveal everything if you don't feel comfortable with that. But it's good to have support, even if you just have a rant or a cry.

Thank you rizlett, you make me tear up as I write in reference to the suit of armour, I used that analogy when writing a poem for a relative who was suffering from MH problems when I was younger.
You are absolutely 100% spot on.
I shall be referring to what you've written often, I have been very angry with myself and internalised the emotion, which has aggravated the anxiety I battle and from what you've said, it seems although my energies and love have been misplaced, I have coped fairly well, all things considered.
I will heed your warning, as this is not the first time I have assumed this role in a relationship and take on board that although his treatment was unfair, I have responsibility too and the only behaviour I can treat, change or control is my own.
I am so grateful to you for taking the time and effort to not only read my long winded ramblings, but to be so honest and thorough in your response

Thank you Want2beme, you make a lot of sense.
I have spoken to 2 members of family about my unhappiness in the relationship, not about OM or OW, as I wasn't comfortable doing so as you said. They were fairly surprised, as he presents as a happy-go-lucky character to the rest of the world, but are very supportive. I'm trying to help myself via counselling/CBT so that I'm self sufficient and can build myself up by doing it for me to prove I'm capable.
You're right, I can't wait around to clock up another 5 years of this, it's totally drained me, hasn't helped me or him and will never be fulfilling.

I'm glad to hear that you're talking. It's very surprising how people view others relationships. To he fair though, they can only perceive us by how we project ourselves. When my LTR finished a year and a half ago, I discovered mumsnet and was utterly shocked at how much misery people endure in their everyday lives. I truly could not believe it. Sadly, knowing that I wasn't suffering alone, did help me to face reality and move on.

Other resources to help you on your way rose are to look at the freedom programme - it made me cry when I first read how good men behave. I didn't believe there were men like that.

And I read the book 'co-dependant no more' which really taught me how I was responsible for where I was.

It sounds like you have reached a good place - as if your eyes have been opened to the truth - painful that is. Be kind to yourself as you move forward. (and even if you fall back - as often the way forward is backwards at bit and forwards again.)

You do not have to 'earn' love. You are love.

It amazed me too Want2beme, I stumbled across MN when I put in a google search for something and it produced a relevant thread, that got me hooked.
We often see all the good stuff on facebook and the truth on here.
The levels of what people will tolerate is so extreme, some willing to leave because of housework sharing and others willing to stay and endure domestic violence. Everyone has reasons that are valid to them that no one else can understand, but the advice and support on here is incredible.
I've looked at loads of threads that seemed similar to mine, but had to write my own as none were quite the same, of course, everyone's situation is different.
I always used to roll my eyes when people say 'someone else is always worse off,' but it does make me glad I at least don't have a divorce or DCs to cope with, maintain contact etc.
Not suffering alone is true, but also getting inspiration from those who've gone through similar and come out the other side better off is comforting.
I don't really like to involve people in my problems, probably to save face etc, but kind of have to if I'm moving and ending a relationship as my family are close by and do care about me. I'm lucky in that respect.
You come across as a caring stranger willing to read my waffle and give great advice, that's why I'm thankful to you and that I can come here. It feels like a safe place.

rizlett, the tears will start again lol!
In all seriousness, I can't thank you enough. I know I have needed the validation of others to feel my worth and that I don't value myself enough.
I have spent my life lurching from one crisis to the next, coping best I can and not standing back to consider what I need, let alone go and seek it out, that's why I've been looking for self esteem in all the wrong places I think.
I'm aware of some of my strengths and attributes, but really have no idea about what makes me happy, just trying and often failing to cross what makes me unhappy off the list.
I will look at the freedom programme, I've heard it mentioned before on here, but didn't think I 'qualified'. Perhaps I do after all.
I only recently understood the actual meaning of co-dependancy, I thought it meant we were propping each other up. I will hunt it down, sounds like essential reading for me.
Though I feel I'm still trying to process the change that arises from the relationship ending, I feel that yes I do now know what I'm dealing with and have already started grieving and detaching.
It's the physical removal of self that I find hardest. Though I know that's the only way relief can come about and I can take time and distance to heal. It'll take a while I'm sure.
Heartfelt thanks again, how lucky I am that people like you who have been through this type of hurt will share their survival journey with others. It's invaluable.
I'll be sure to 'pass it forward' when I get to the the other side of this.

It's just like an addiction rose - he is your cocaine. He is not a great catch. He won't be a 'better' man. He isn't your soul mate. People like us are addicted to men who we think 'need' saving and we tell ourselves such rubbish to make ourselves follow this path.

However again this is a mistaken belief we probably picked up in our childhood. The truth is we don't 'need' to save anyone - only ourselves but we feel it's easier to project that onto someone else.

Anyone can do the freedom programme - and if there is an alcoholism in your past and/or present - anyone can go to Al-anon family groups which is another place to learn to love yourself. Grab onto anything and everything which might stop you going backwards into the pattern of self destruction. You are allowed to be free. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. I found writing it all out helped every day too.

Sometimes just identifying and removing what makes us unhappy is how to be happy. Remember be kind - you are evolving. You are allowed to make mistakes and it's painful at times.

Every day try and do one thing that you want to do. Even if it's small like buying flowers.

You have yet to discover the beauty that you'll find once you uncover your true self. (in fact your true self is not someone you have to 'learn' to be but the you that you already are - choose her every time - it's not selfish to put her first - that's just another mistaken belief we absorbed along the way.)

From stress to silence is another good read and Children are from heaven. (to help nurture the beautiful child you have inside.)

An addiction, yes. I have quite an addictive personality, though a couple of the most unhealthy ones I've been successfully addressing during this tricky time, which I'm very proud of.
Projection is a very shrewd observation too, I've always found it easier and more convenient to solve the problems of others and ignore my own.
The process of elimination seems to be a good method for me, if I can't pinpoint what makes me happy. The result has to be the same, if just the long way round.
The writing is something I did in my teens that helped no end, so I've been using a journal since this all came to a head and found it very useful to vent to, but also to refer back to. I can see changes in my thought process and attitude towards the situation, shifting towards a more positive outlook, though there are understandable low points too.
I'll definitely look in to the other reading material you suggest, I used to dismiss 'self help' books as indulgent and over analytical, but it was probably avoidance back then.
I know I'll get there eventually, it's just battling against the 'victim' part of me who is trying to sabotage my attempts to regain freedom. I do feel I am beginning to gather my strength however, thank you for your continued input, it has really helped with my focus and determination.

Well here's a little update for you, OW has just come banging on my front door!
She wasn't gone at all and although I am the process of going and was still suspicious I had cut contact with OM, still not having acted on seeing him and was beginning to warm to the idea we may have a future. He'd been making all the right noises and planning the mexylt part of our lives.
She was yelling through my window wanting to talk to me, did I know he said I'd left? He'd told his parents this? That they were sleeping together? That they plan to go on holiday together later in the summer with his family? That he was with her last night?
He chased her off saying she was trying to ruin his life, she's calling him a liar, telling him to tell us both the truth and they proceed to both drive off in their respective cars.
I have locked the front door with my keys still in it and opened a beer, though I don't drink and now sitting in the garden in complete shock.
It's his rental agreement on the place, but it seems he intended on following his original plan of moving in with her when I've gone, which I somewhat suspected.
I am going, it's a work in progress, but I'm not ready to leave yet and don't want to contact anyone IRL, as I just can't face the fall out and insistence for me to leave immediately, though totally understandable.
So many slight inconsistencies I'd put down to (well founded) paranoia all make sense now and have fallen in to place.
I know I need to go, I understand fully my situation, but I'm rooted to the spot. I don't even know why. I can't even cry right now, which is absolutely my usual 'go to' response.
He's only got his keys and phone with him, though all I can think is, he can eff off if he thinks I'm ironing a shirt for him for tomorrow. What us wrong with me?
I'm thinking of going to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm already at max dose for ADs and other anxiety meds.
What is stopping me from getting angry?
Why am I not bagging his belongings and throwing them out the door?
Why am I still thinking of staying here until next weekend because it's convenient for me?
How could he?
Why can't I see past this total and utter BS misery and stop thinking there's even the remotest chance this can be fixed?
I can't see a way forward or anything positive at all right now.

Jesus H Christ... So they BOTH drive off? In opposite directions? Or one behind the other? That rings alarm bells to me.

For goodness sake, just GO!!!!! Before he throws you out He will, I'm certain of it x

Go stay with a friend and make something up if you don't want to tell them x

He's back now and doesn't want me to leave, threatening suicide, been lying to us both since our 'reconciliation' a month ago, didn't want to hurt either of us and has now gone off in a huff in the car as my line of questioning was not to his liking!
They must've stopped to talk because she gave him an ultimatum, me or her!
I'm still reeling, I thought he'd be grovelling, but no, it's still all about him.
I haven't raised my voice, name called or anything! I don't see why I should get myself in a state.