"Playing the Victim"

[tigercub50]

Best response to being told this when actually I was telling DH he was being unfair? Actually he did apologise later & we had an in depth chat. I want to say something other than " I'm not playing the victim". Or do I let it go as part of an argument ( only it wasn't an argument until DH said it!)

Anybody home?

What happened overall?

It was a discussion about extended family & I think there is some resentment there. I can't remember exactly what we were saying but I think I was being accused of never wanting to go & visit DH's family whereas what I actually said was that I thought it wasn't ideal to go up at Christmas because one of us is always ill etc etc. I was defending myself & that's when he said to stop playing the victim. He has said it in the past & I reckon it's a defence mechanism as he doesn't want to admit he's said something untrue/unfair. As I have posted on here before, the past in our marriage wasn't always good but now we are generally communicating much better. It's just when "blips" happen, I'd appreciate advise on how to deal with it at the time.

Could you bring it up with him when you're not arguing? Maybe say something diplomatic like:

"I've noticed that when we're arguing you sometimes tell me I'm 'playing the victim'. Do you actually feel this way or is it something you say out of defensiveness? It makes me feel a bit undermined."

If he can acknowledge that he does it then maybe you can up with a plan from there? My DH does something similar and if he uses a line like that I say something like "You're being defensive, lets just talk about it later."

Phrases like that is really frustrating because they make you feel as though you can't say anything in defense of your position (which I suppose is the point).