AIBU?

[Namechanger49]

Had to name change for this and be vague about a few details as I'm scared of being outed.
Been with DP for 5 years, both have a DC from previous relationship both have nearly left school. I love DP very much, he is kind and decent to me. We live together in a house we bought together 3 years ago.
However the issues are these:
He will not marry me- it's always an excuse "I will, but not until xyz has happened" Marriage is important to me.
I work full time and do all house related chores and pay for most house costs. Dp has not worked yet this year but is due a large amount of family money late this year. When this money comes he wants to retrain abroad for a different career- this will mean approx 8 months away. He says it's not that long in relationship terms and I could visit a few times.

I'm upset and worried. This doesn't feel like a man who wants to be with me in a committed relationship. He won't marry but expects me to hang around until he is ready, am I unreasonable for feeling this way?

No you are not.

Sounds like his stalling and stringing you along. You need to decide if not being married to him is acceptable. If It's really important to you then you should cut your losses.

Well, in your shoes, I would be asking myself why i have stayed with this man for so long?

Why would you want to tie yourself to him further?
He doesn't work.
He barely contributes financially.
He lets you do all the housework despite you working full time and him not at all.
He wants to leave you for 8 months.

I would be ending this relationship as he seems to be taking the piss. Surely he is now a cocklodger??

I'm on the same page as you where marriage is important to me and I've been engaged for 5 years to my DP and nothing lol.
Even though engaged I feel he doesn't want to actually get married.

Have you tried talking to him about how u truly feel?

In your situation I'd certainly be ensuring that finances were well separated and that the house arrangments accurately reflect the contributions made.
As for the relationship, have you told him how unsettled he is making you feel?

Why are you doing all the household chores when he's not even working??

Also, did you buy the house 50/50 or did you put a bigger chunk in?

You're being taken for a total mug.

Cocklodger

Please tell me you didn't pay all the deposit for the house and are paying all the mortgage repayments?

8 months away to retrain isn't a big deal in a good 5 year relationship where he's not selfishly pursuing a pipe dream and shirking responsibilities.
I would support my fiancé to do retrain away from home, both emotionally and financially.

But my fiancé doesn't lie to me about getting married, he pulls his weight at home, and he's working. If he wasn't, and that wasn't his fault, he wouldn't let me lift a finger at home.

Is this retraining actually a serious proposition? Or is it 8 months in the Algarve 'training' to become a pro golfer?

Is this family money going to benefit you too, as you've been subbing him this year?

Who is paying the maintenance due for his kids, right now?

I don't think he's wrong if he simply can doesn't want to marry. But if he's lying to you that he will, that's definitely wrong.

Thanks for the reply's, I do own a larger portion of the house which hopefully will change soon. The retraining will give him a better job at the end of it and he is living off savings at the moment.

He doesn't really believe in the point of marriage, but said he would in the future " if it means that much to you" so actually no he doesn't want to marry me. I would be 100% supportive of him going away if we were married and I felt secure but it seems like he is keeping his options open where I am concerned. I need a proper commitment from him.

I feel like he is taking advantage of me, I feel I put in far more to the relationship than he does. But I guess that's my fault for letting him :(

OP you haven't said whether he is contributing to mortgage payments or explained why it is you doing all the housework when he doesn't work?

Also - what is this training he is doing that can only be done abroad?

He is absolutely taking you for a mug.......

Sorry I'm vague! I do everything because he is lazy... can't wrap it up any other way can I! And I paid more than him towards household expenses even when he was working. He's on to a winner with me isn't he!!!

Unfortunately the training can only be done abroad ( I'm scared of being outed hence vague about it)

I do not believe that marriage is just a piece of paper, in terms of its legal impact it is much more.

But commitment?

I think in respect of commitment, marriage is just a piece of paper. Marriage doesn't make anyone more committed. Or I wouldn't be divorced!

If you don't feel secure, I suspect it's got more to do with all the other aspects of your relationship - not simply the lack of a marriage proposal.

If he were pulling his weight now - practically and financially - you'd probably feel he was more committed to this relationship.

Forget marriage and the retraining. Is this actually who you want to be with? A man who is sat on his arse all day whilst you do all the housework?

Side point and just curiosity - but is he just not bothering to see his kids for 8 months then? Why the suggestion that you can visit him, not him coming back to see you?

Cross posted.

He's lazy and takes the piss financially and practically.

You want him to want to marry you.
But are you really wanting yourself to choose a lazy cock lodging piss taker for a husband? Or even currently, as a boyfriend.

I think you're both right & that's your problem

I predict that when the family money comes his way it'll be ringfenced as "his", unlike the money you've been subsidising him with up to now.

Everything you describe in your relationship seems to be on his terms, OP - time for you to consider how a future with this man is likely to pan out.