Relationship trouble, not sure what to do

[Reallylostrightnow]

I don't know what to do because I'm not really feeling happy in my relationship at the moment and nothing is really changing.

Being perfectly honest, I'm a pretty messy and disorganized person - probably verging on being a bit lazy with the housework. Hubby definitely does more than I do although I am trying. We both work full time, go out a lot in the evenings to various things and sometimes work weekends too so it can be hard to keep on top of things.

I get constantly nagged about the housework which I can understand and I am trying. I suggested we get a cleaner but he won't have it - says its a waste of money.

It's not just that though, I feel like he treats me like a child. He says it's because I act like one so that's why he does it but If I try to be better with housework he will too. However it's not working.

So there are multiple problems. I get really stressed out at weekends if I ever drive us both anywhere to the point I actively avoid it because anytime I drive he does nothing but constantly criticize my driving. I'm not the worlds best driver, but I'm not that bad either.

When I do things around the house, I get called out for not doing them 'properly' - he has set routines for doing things. Often when I have opinions, he shoots them down and gets mad at me if they are different to his. Tonight I just put something down and got a lecture about why it can't go there.

I sometimes get stressed at work and do go on about it too much, so now he refuses to engage with me about my work problems or if he does he limits the time to 5 minutes that I can talk to him about it. If I don't accept his solutions he gets angry and says I'm not doing anything to change my situation. I've tried to explain sometimes I just want him to listen not to solve everything.

I feel like he criticizes absolutely everything I do. In addition to that, he always speaks to me like a child when he's being affectionate, and sometimes in a playful way makes fun of me - like the way I talk, or move or the things i believe in. It used to be cute but now I'm just sick of it.

He's not really interested in anything I am , like politics or current affairs - always says he's too tired to talk about it.

Everyone elses opinion comes before mine, and he always has to be right about everything to the point if he has the slightest doubt about anything I say he will look it up on wikipedia.

I am quite a forgetful person and it's got to the point I'm sometimes scared to ask him anything now, because he gets angry at me if I ask him something he's already told me - so now I find myself having to question everything I'm about to say to him, which in itself makes me feel stressed.

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't feel like he's treating me like an equal and I'm getting increasingly worried because I feel like I'm caring less about our relationship - like I'm starting to put up a wall.

For the first few years we were together I guess I felt I wasn't good enough for him, and when we argued and he'd blank me for days I went nuts and did everything to try and get him back. I guess now we have been married a few years and I'm feeling more secure in the relationship, the longer I'm feeling he treats me this way the more I'm actually feeling like I just don't want to be around him anymore. I literally do not enjoy being treated like this by him.

There are other things too...like he's SO careful with money, more so than I am and always calls me out for buying things (that I pay for with my own money), and emphasizes the importance of us saving. Yet he spends a significant amount of money on things for himself (although he does earn more).

For a couple of years I've also really wanted to have a family, and when we met he said he did too, but it's never been the right time for him. He always says not yet, we have to save first, we have to have a bigger house first, we have to do this and that first. I'm not even allowed to have a pet. When I say not allowed...of course I'm allowed nothing is stopping me, but I'd feel guilty because I know he doesn't want one. It's got to the point now I feel like I've given up on the idea of having a family and am now wanting to focus more on my career - plus as time has gone on, I think we've left it too late even if we did try.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not happy and I feel like even though we've had arguments and talked this through nothing changes because every weekend I spend time with him I feel like he does nothing but get annoyed by me, criticize me and make me feel like I'm inadequate and that he's better than me. But the strange thing is, the longer this has gone on the more I'm feeling like I'm not inadequate and that I don't want to put up with this anymore.

I do wondered if it's me - if I'm in tolerable to live with. The thing is, I don't think I'm going to change at this age. I also wonder if it's him - if he's a controlling husband. Yet I don't think he's abusive - he doesn't want to tell me what to wear or stop me going out with my friends or personally insult me...it's all just criticisms about the way I do things.

I'm really confused right now and not sure what to do :(

I would honestly say get out now, before you have any DC'S, My OH is similar minus and plus quite a few different things, and I feel completely trapped, don't end up like me! find someone who you are suited to! I have no one so am trying to fix what I've got after 12 years.
I don't know if that's helpful or not. But the way I see I is you can't change who you are, you can do things to try and make the relationship better but what's the point of doing that if it makes you unhappy?!

He sounds tiresome beyond belief. I think you'll be much happier without him.

I am like you OP. Im a self confessed lazy cow. In all honesty, it is changeable, (Ive finally started to pull my act together) BUT it sounds like you have a husband problem, not so much a house problem.

It sounds like you are not in sync, a difficult way to live.
He seems to be wanting/expecting you to live up to standards he sees fit- problem is it doesnt sound like you have discussed it together.
Have you both sat and had a talk about housework division, savings and family life? Or has he just made all the plans in his head and ran with them?

Until you both sit down and work out what you both invidually and jointly want i think you may be stuck in a rut.

He shouldnt be treating you like a child though. Thats controlling and very unfair.
You need to find it within you to take back control of your life, stop waiting for him to give it to you.

I know it's easier said than done, as I know only too well, but I would start thinking about leaving him too. He doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart, he even sounds like he has narcissistic qualities. Don't end up in a relationship where you resent your DH and are just staying to stop yourself being lonely. You don't say how long you've been together but could you see yourself spending the next x years with this person living this life? Have you tried talking to him about how unhappy you are?

Have you read anything by Lundy? I read 'why does he do that' and it made me cry. I didn't think my husband was abusive either but there was so much in that book that opened my eyes to my husband verbal abuse.

Thanks for the advice. We have discussed the housework and I said I'll do more, and try to schedule in a few hours every weekend to catch up with it all (as we are both out a lot on week nights). As far as how things are done, I asked him to show me the way he wants things done because I thought that might stop all the criticism about my approach to cleaning so I'm trying to do things 'his way'.

He's always had a clear idea of what he wanted for life - where he wanted to live, houses, finances etc whereas I've been more go with the flow sort of thing so I just went along with what he wanted as it all sounded sensible.

He said he wanted children and maintains he still does but whenever I've seriously wanted to discuss it, it's never been the right time for us, so he tells me.

I kind of felt when we first met that we had so much in common and that we wanted to the same things, but I am increasingly feeling like what has happened is that I've just done everything he wanted, been too laid back about things and am yeah...now a bit trapped? I don't think he's ever really cared about what I want unless it has fitted in with his agenda.

I love him, but I'm finding it difficult because I guess I don't know what I want out of life anymore, but it's not to be treated like this. I think if he treated me with a bit of respect and like I was an equal I'd be much happier. But, the more time goes on the more I realise that it doesn't feel like it's going to happen...if anything his behavior towards me just gets worse it's like he's become even more intolerant of me as the years have gone by.

We have been together about 8 years. I guess i also feel like with all his criticisms of me and general lack of interest, that he's not attracted to me anymore. We still do it regularly, but it's not particularly passionate or spontaneous. He's never really been a passionate or spontaneous person - everything must be planned in exacting detail, but increasingly it just feels like we're going through the motions more so than before. Although maybe that's to be expected after being together for a few years.

I know it's cliche, but life's short. Do you want to live the rest of it feeling like this? It sounds like you've talked it to death and he hasn't made an effort to change in any way.

I really feel for you - just reading about the way he treats you makes me feel sad and worn down.

Oh OP :(
You sound lovely.
Seems like this situation has been creeping up a long time.
I agree with above comments of leave him. I know its not always that easy though.

I think at the very least pay no mind to his constant putting down shit. Is he perfect? No! Tell him so. No more pussying around him. He wont like it but it will do you wonders.
The more you write the more im sure he is a narcissist. You cant win with a narc.

Leave op. Life can be so much more.

I feel for you too.

Your anxiety around this man leaps off the page - and no fucking wonder, when you're constantly under fire for one reason or another.

I am guessing that your greatest worry is having children. I actually think it's your biggest asset at the moment.

From the picture you paint, he sounds massively domineering. Blanking you for days on end so that you jump through hoops to secure his approval is classic controlling and undermining behaviour. The fact you feel it's not enough to do your share of the housework - it has to be done to HIS specifications, criticising your driving to the point you don't want to drive, checking things you say on Wikipedia - likewise.

(FWIW like Kate, I am a bit of a slattern, but I have changed since meeting my DP - whose mantra is 'neat and tidy' - not because he nags or manages me, but because he helps me and has just, well, shown me how much nicer it is to leave in a clean house...)

He is controlling you. It stands out from everything you've said. You know and don't like it. Stand up to him, be yourself. He won't like it. He'll show more of his true self and it will become glaringly obvious that you need to leave. You will never be truly happy with him. You will be truly happy on your own or with a man that loves you for what you actually are!

He is controlling you! Telling you to do things his way or he complains, making you feel bad for spending your own money but doing what he likes. Someone who loves you loves the person you are not the person they want to make you into. He is not nice at all! Have a read up about narcissistic tendencies and the different forms of narcissism also the red flags.

You say that he maintains he still wants children but, although you do, you fear you may have left it too late.

Given that he sounds immensely controlling I fear that, when it definitely becomes too late for you to have children, he will suddenly decide he wants a child more than anything and will use this as the reason to leave you and start a family with someone else.

Would you be ok with this? Would you be content that you focused on your career or would not having children be devastating for you?

Ignoring everything else I would give some serious thought to whether you want children and how much. If you decide you want them you then have to choose whether it's with him or leave and maybe meet someone else.

Guess I'm saying don't sleepwalk into a situation which is, for you, irreversible but isn't for him.
for you.

He sounds emotionally abusive, doing nothing but putting you down and making you feel incompetent and boring. You're not.

He won't be talked into treating you better cos he has zero interest in your opinion.

You need to leave him.

You need to seriously think about leaving him so you have time to meet someone else and have kids, fertility doesn't last forever.

It's all about HIM - what he wants and how he likes things done. Did he have a critical controlling parent growing up? I've been like him (my father was very critical) he sounds like a bully, or it can be anxiety based. A therapist I saw said "would you treat your friends the same way?" Of course the answer was no. I've changed because it's not acceptable behaviour and I was able to change. YOU want a child. He's not listening. There have been so many threads on here from women who's partners have misled them into thinking they want children. He seems like he would massively struggle to cope with a baby. You can't control there mess!!!. Take care

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Re your comment:-
"Yet I don't think he's abusive - he doesn't want to tell me what to wear or stop me going out with my friends or personally insult me...it's all just criticisms about the way I do things".

His criticisms of you are emotional abuse too; they are digs of you that he would never tolerate from you. You were targeted by him. You are to him a child and thus incapable of doing anything properly, you are living with the Dominator. He thinks that little of you in his head. He has given you spaghetti head really, he has conducted a protracted campaign of emotional abuse and control against you, this type of abuse he metes out has ramped up over time. Nothing has changed and nothing will; all you can do here ultimately is leave him.

I would read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven. This man is in those pages.

Free yourself from the gilded cage he wants you to remain in.

It reads like your confidence has been chipped away at.

I agree with what everyone is saying but can I also suggest you get some counselling if you can afford it to work out why you tolerate this behaviour and where your 'child' behaviour stems from so you can start to adapt the way you behave for your future.

Xxx