seeking advice on a bored husband

[feelingshittyagain]

Not quite sure where to start with this one. My husband and I have been going through a tough time over the past three years. We have come close to splitting up a couple of times but always seem to work it through. Recently my husband has been telling me that he's bored with life (but not me). He doesn't know what to do with himself in the evenings, I'm happy to read (which I do a lot) and he's not happy unless there's a programme to watch or a film on. He often goes to bed at 8.30/9 (I'm a night owl and generally go to bed about 10/11).

He's also been talking about how we don't seem to have the same morals and values anymore, I never agree with him anymore or support his opinions and we don't like doing anything together. He's right about the values and morals we don't have the same opinions on things but we never have done. We do go out together but not that often. We've always had different opinions on things, especially how to discipline the children and we don't agree on things like tattoos and piercing (he thinks all tattoos are tramp stamps and that if I got one I would be a bad influence on our teenage children). After 20 years it's like he's only just realised we are different people and he doesn't like it, he thinks we should be a partnership (which I thought we were) and that that means us having the same values but I think it just makes the relationship more interesting.

I suppose I'm venting a little but what I wanted to know is if anyone else had been in this situation? What was the outcome?

I think you've just grown apart OP, its what happens sometimes; we change, we grow, our opinions sometimes mellow, some of us develop more empathy and tolerance, some of us harden in our view of the world.
Your husband could be a bit insecure and needy as he appears to want you to conform to his view of the world and perceives independent thought, debate, discussion, different opinions as some sort of threat.
I would suggest that the fact he hasn't any hobbies or interests of his own is a symptom of where his head is at.
He wants to be catered to..he wants to watch television, he wants you to think the same way as him. He wants you to conform to his view of the world essentially.
You can choose to continue as you are with the bonds that hold you together weakening year on year or you can choose to make a bid for total independence and freedom. It really is that simple...in theory! In practice, I know of several couples who just keep on keeping on because to rock the boat would result in financial hardship and disrupt kids who are in the middle of the exam years.

He wants you to have the same opinions and values_ so is he prepared to change his? Or does this mean he expects you to change your beliefs to suit his.
I don't think that is doable.
It's perfectly fine to have your own interests and preferences.
If he wants to watch TV whilst you read then fine, but to expect you to put down your book and watch something that holds no interest for you, no not fine.
My view is that if is easier if a couple hold the same core values and beliefs, but that's just my opinion and experience.
I split with an ex because we were polar opposites when it came to parenting. Looking back we held different views, neither of us were right or wrong but I can see how he wasn't right for me.

Sounds like he has his eye on someone else and is building up his case in his mind to blame you for it.

The Sparrowhawk and I are at one on this.

Interesting that you should say that sparrowhawk, he does talk about someone at work a lot. I think he is excited by her single life and he tells me she is just like me but I don't get vibes that he fancies her (yet).

Pallasathena, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think we probably stay together because it's easier financially and he doesn't want to be lonely (I'm happy in my own company and have hobbies I enjoy). He does put a lot of negative things on my shoulders, always telling me I don't love him as much as he loves me, or I never want to do anything with him (I'm always the one to suggest new things which he rejects). And you're right emilybronte in that he won't change his views to be the same as mine, we've had that conversation recently over our child wanting to change his name).

I'm thinking that we are on our way out but how is to do this is a whole 'nother thread, probably

He's also been telling me that the fact I don't have any dreams or ambitions is a problem but he doesn't have any answer when I ask him why that matters. I'm happy with our life, we have two wonderful teenagers who I couldn't be more proud of, a job I enjoy, and friends and family I can rely on. I've never been the ambitious type, money is not important to me, my family is.