Am I overacting?

[Wilde003]

Dear All,

Thank you in advance

Today, I finally told my DP that it's over and asked him to move out. A little background, we have no children together and the house is in my name.

My now ex has temper issues, he shouts, he is disrespectful, extremely jealous and controlling and I am scared of his rages. Once, when he invited his friend to the house he told me off for being nice and talking to him and the next time the friend visited, he met him at the door and told him not to talk to me, he told me the same thing before opening the door. He tore the picture of my ex to pieces saying, "I am here now and he is not!" I think I am scared that he would even hit me one day.

He has lots of female friends, whom he chat and flirts with on social media and on the phone every day. There is one particular female, whom he chat on social media and on the phone daily - sometimes, two or three phone calls a day.

Last weekend, he invited her for dinner and when I asked him to help me cook, he started shouting at me in the front garden and back garden, so all my neighbours could hear and he came in the kitchen still shouting and pointing his hands to my face. Yes, I was a fool, I did the cooking and hosted his female friend and cried in the toilet

While I was in the kitchen, she went to the garden and asked him to look after her dog and kids (if the father of the kids refused) because she was going out of the country for a mini break and without even telling me, he accepted to stay in her house. Over dinner, he boasted to her that I do all the cooking and cleaning. I sat quietly like a fool. He tells this woman every single detail about our relationship.

She confirmed at the last minute, meaning, we were unable to plan for anything, just waiting for this woman to confirm if she needed him to go and stay in her house. She eventually confirmed four hours before her flight. So, he left on Thursday afternoon to look after her dog until Monday when she will be back. I am not jealous of their relationship, I am furious about the disrespect and lack of empathy.

I feel like a fool, I am a fool.

I told him it as over and he must move out as soon as possible. He said that he want to be friends - I don't want to be friends with my ex, ex means axing someone out of your life.

I think he needs to go immediately.

Does he have enough money to do this?

I think he needs to go immediately too.

Honestly , you're better off without him , he sounds awful. You have done the right thing and I would advise to have nothing more to do with him ever again .

If the house is in your name , pack his stuff up and leave it on the doorstep. Change the locks.

Good god! It sounds like you're well-rid. Congratulations on binning a knacker

"I told him it as over and he must move out as soon as possible. He said that he want to be friends - I don't want to be friends with my ex, ex means axing someone out of your life".

Yes, get rid completely. You don't need his permission to get him out of the house. It is your house.

This weekend is an ideal time to get his stuff out and change the locks if he has a key.

Can you box up his stuff and leave it in the garage for him? Or elsewhere?

He wasn't friends with you whilst you were together so why would you even consider this? Make sure he doesn't set foot over your threshold again.

You will be so much better off without him. It seems he is openly disrespecting you and not being caring and loving. Not good boyfriend material.

In addition, with him asking to be friends it sounds as though he is accepting your decision. That's great but would advise going no contact, especially if you are afraid of him. Good luck

He has money but very stingy, so I was paying for most things. I am not sure why I allowed it to last this long. He wants to come and talk, as I have said, I am scared of his rages. I finished with him on the phone politely and did not raise my voice and he was still accusing me of being unreasonable and overacting

He sounds like a bollocks and I am 👏🏻 you have ended it.

No to him coming to talk to you. Don't let him in again.

Box up his stuff and text him to ask where he wants you to leave it. Leave his stuff where he wants and then block him.

And yes, you don't need a 'friend' who treats you so badly. Good luck.

Do you have a friend who can come & stay? After you change the locks of course. He sounds the type who won't want to rage in front of others as you are 'unreasonable' one.

Get him out and never, ever speak to him again. Not one word, text or email. The best thing you've ever done is to get rid of that asshole.

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness!

I am keeping myself very busy today, doing housework, gardening, ironing and I am ready for a single life. Love is not a reason to tolerable disrespect in a relationship.

I am not sure why some of us ladies tolerate such level of disrespect and abuse in a relationship. He is very good at turning things against me when I stand up for myself, he accuses me of being unreasonable and rude. he would shout and hold his fist, I know that it's not if he would ever hit me, it's a matter of when he will use his hands on me. I am scared and I just want him to be gone as soon as possible. No contact, no bullshit about being friends - I don't want his friendship

A lady once said to me. "if you're sitting too close to the fire and getting burnt, do you need someone permission to move?" I was getting burnt in many ways than one, emotionally, self-esteem, self-confidence, life and energy drained out of me for the sake of wanting to stay in a toxic relationship.

Once you start questioning yourself and sanity even the good times becomes questionable - it's hard for a leopard to change its spots. Most of the time, I would keep quiet because I am scared of the outburst and the shouting. Why would an adult want to shout at another adult? He once shouted at me on a crowded bus because we took the wrong bus.

As I have already said, love is not an excuse to tolerate an abusive relationship

Pack his stuff, take it round to his mate's place. Change your locks. Refuse him entry, he may become violent. Don't let him come back 'to talk'.

^^ This!! Call it a lucky escape.

Update

Thank you for all the support!

He is back in the house but in the spare bedroom, have not had contact and will stay out of his way. I have blocked him on the phone and WhatsApp - the only form of communication right now is by email.

As soon as he leaves, I will block him from the email as well. No contact in the future, there is nothing to tying us together and I do not see how I could even want to keep contact with such a person

Absolutely no contact - I am trying to be so strong but emotionally, mentally and physically I am knackered, no energy, no strength to do anything. I managed the gardening and that was all. I am so so tired

He thought that I would never ask him to leave, he is Mr Dominator and was grooming me to be submissive and his maid in my own house

You make it sound like you have no choice over who lives in your house. There is no point in blocking him on certain type of media whilst simultaneously allowing him to move back into your house. You know that, right?

It was the wrong move to allow him back. What could have been a clean break is now going to be a messy one.

Because it will be very difficult to make him move out now. He'll make sure of that.

You can still wait until he goes to work, bag up every single bit of his stuff and leave it somewhere for him to pick up.

But I'm guessing that you won't do that.

Why is he back in your house? What's the point in blocking on social media but having him live with you? Take back your power, get rid. I know that you're exhausted but you won't feel better until he's gone. Do you have a friend in real life who could stay with you for a bit?

Of course you are not over reacting. You have said very well how bad relationships are not to be endured. Talk the talk now walk the walk. Your actions are the only currency that holds...talking is just so much fluff in a hurricane. Talking or even not talking(!) But he is in your sanctuary anyway? No. Do not tolerate this. He has money, he has no excuse to continue to use you. Your exhaustion is down to him and nothing else.

I could not just pack his things up and put them in the front door, he has too many things. I also have other people living in the house and do not want the drama and the extra stress.

Last night he was invited to dinner with his friends, I am not sure what time he came back. This morning, he was acting like nothing has happened, he asked me about my plans for the day and if we could complete doing the garden together, he started repairing things around the house, I asked him to stop but he continued and I came to my room. He tried hard to get me to go downstairs but I refused. Then he claimed that he did not know how the washing machine works when I went downstairs, he tried to block me from coming up again. he wants me to help him put the cabinet up, I refused. He said he will be leaving soon as I am going to rent out the spare bedroom, I already told him that someone was coming to view it.

He is only acknowledging me asking him to leave, he keeps on insisting on "friendship", told him we cannot be friends, clean break. I can still hear him chatting and laughing loudly on the phone - it could all be his way of handling the break-up and moving.

The stress - but I am strong and I will deal with this. The disrespect that he has shown me is his way of getting an implied consent from me. When you accept it once, you cannot refuse the second or the third. I could not see myself being happy with this person in 2 years, 5 years.. It would all be wasted years that I cannot get back

You need him out, he is hoping to grind you down and just playing at being a bit nicer as he has it cushy as hell.

There will be more drama and stress involved by letting him stay. Much more. This could be over by now but alas, he 'has too many things'.

You are still accepting this. He is still calling all the shots. In your home. It sounds very much like he is the homeowner and you are the lodger hiding out in your room.

It seems unlikely to me that someone who is going to be moving very soon would start to sort out the garden and repair the house that they don't own. Particularly when that time could be spent looking for a new place.

Be careful. And for God's sake make your valuable items and any money in the house secure in the meantime.

Gosh OP, you've been very tolerant.

I do understand that the actual bagging up of his stuff and leaving it on the doorstop is extra stress and worry but I'm worried if you're not firmer and kick him out (as he deserves to be!) then he will worm his way back in. Its monday today, how about saying to yourself/him/both that he has until friday to leave and if he isn't gone by then you get leave his stuff on the lawn and change the locks?

Jesus OP, get him out!