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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL and DM 'argument', DH believes MIL over me and was vile about DM.

47 replies

LeanOn · 10/06/2017 12:52

Tried to sum it up in the title and I will attempt to be brief as it's a longish story.

at DS' birthday party, I overheard MIL tearing chunks out of me to my DMum.
I confront them and they both laugh it off as a joke.
that night DH comes to me and tells me MIL came to him upset during the party, saying DM has shouted at MIL, pointed in her face and had a go at her for bitching about me.
next day I ask DM what happened
DM adamant she merely said 'you don't think much of lean do you' to mil and mil responded with a 'sorry if I offended you' and that was the end of it.
DM upset at the accusation and comes to ours to attempt to explain to DH and put it right
DH says DM is a vile disgusting abusive person and he will 'knock her out'.
DM rings MIL who agrees it was something and nothing.
DH seethes at me for the rest of the day, calls me and DM fit to burn because I told her and because she's 'usually horrible to me' so doesn't see why she's decided to stand up to mil now.

Dh seems to have thrown back in my face every time I've told him my mum has upset me

I am upset at how nasty he was about my mum

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 10/06/2017 15:11

Whatever the truth of the interaction btn Mil And DM, whatever Mil said to him, his behaviour was appalling. Absolutely not recoverable from. No excuses.

Original poster

LeanOn · 10/06/2017 15:11

How do I approach it though? It was two weeks ago although the arguments have flared up around it a few times since because we can't agree. My mum and I have been called all kind and he's said precisely one thing about it to his mum, 'watch what you say to lean because she might take it wrong'.

OP posts:

sourgrapes28 · 10/06/2017 15:23

Just tell him to pack his shit and go live with his mum! Bet you will feel 100% better when those words come out your mouth.
He doesn't sound like he will listen to reason or how you are feeling so just be blunt and come out with it. Sorry I don't have better advice on the matter

krustykittens · 10/06/2017 16:15

So you and your mother have been called all sorts of names, for the last two weeks, simply because your mother stuck up for you when his mother was slagging you off? Have I got that right? If so, your husband is an mentally abusive twat.

Original poster

LeanOn · 10/06/2017 19:08

Pretty much! Mum has form for making 'jokey' digs at me in front of MIL and now MIL has started as well - but my mum had recently said she's noticed and she's going to stop doing it and mention it when mil starts. Mum was actually being nice, MIL was being mean,when I caught them.

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 10/06/2017 19:18

Get rid, I actually would, you know your mum makes jokey comments and aren't offended by them, your MIL was serious and of course DH has blown his top and verbally abused you and your DM,
He doesn't sound like a good catch!

picklemepopcorn · 10/06/2017 20:50

I don't think it is solvable, sorry. It's either counselling and possibly splitting up or just straight forward splitting up. He's aggressive and violent when you won't agree with him when he is wrong.

KarmaNoMore · 10/06/2017 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thinkingblonde · 10/06/2017 23:42

Get all three of them together and tell them to start treating you with respect. The snide remarks, disguised as jokes need to stop. I have daughters and I'd sooner cut my tongue than make sly skitty digs at them.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 11/06/2017 00:16

Get rid of him.

He has a vile attitude threatening your Mum like that and being silly.

I wonder are you scared of him? Because anyone I know would not stand their partner saying something like that unless they were scared.

My DH would be shown the door - it shows a real British attitude.

Ummmmgogo · 11/06/2017 00:20

ltb. you dont need this shit! xxx

Ummmmgogo · 11/06/2017 00:21

i know it's not that simple but this level of drama doesn't sound fun or productive to your day to day life xx

OlennasWimple · 11/06/2017 00:23

None of them sound great, TBH, OP but your DH should never ever ever use that type of language about your DM (or you, or anyone)

Original poster

LeanOn · 11/06/2017 07:38

He's adorable usually but then this vile language slips out when he's really annoyed

OP posts:

lieka · 11/06/2017 07:42

I'm sorry, but "adorable" and this sort of stuff DO NOT go together.

I'm amazed anyone would stay with someone who behaved like this.

What was your parents' marriage like? Where did you learn this sort of doormat behaviour from?

category12 · 11/06/2017 08:15

So your mum routinely denigrates you, but defends it as jokes.

And your mother in law has also taken up doing the same, but that's your mum's territory so she doesn't like her doing it too.

And your dh gets in a rage and behaves like a twat.

I think your boundaries are fucked. You could do with seeing both mother and mother in law less. And reassessing your relationship with dh. I think you should probably look into some therapy. Good luck with it all.

AdalindSchade · 11/06/2017 08:22

He's 'adorable'?
Catch yourself on OP. He's horrible! He threatened to knock your mum out. Adorable, fuck sake.

Original poster

LeanOn · 11/06/2017 11:56

I understand

OP posts:

Original poster

LeanOn · 25/06/2017 20:54

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but struggling with this

Brought it up to DH and he said that he wasn't even part of the argument and that it was all my mums fault and he's annoyed she hasn't apologised.

I'd really like to speak to him about it properly, I have no friends jrl to talk to about it, can someone please help me

OP posts:

Original poster

LeanOn · 25/06/2017 20:57

I didn't say in the OP but he didn't threaten my mum to her face. Just to me.

OP posts:

GivePeasAGo · 25/06/2017 21:11

Is there any point talking to him 'properly'? He just twists what you say and wants everything on his terms.

Why do you think it's ok for dm and Mil to make digs? Yes your mum is stopping but she set a bad precident that your equally crap Mil is following.

Do you think your husband wanting to knock your mum out is appropriate or right?

They all sounds shit op. I feel for you because to think he's still adorable...that shows how ground down you are.

Why should your mum apologise? The facts are:
Your Mil admitted to being a bitch
Your mum admitted she's been as bad in the past
Your Mil and mum have clarified the your mum only defender you.
Your husband has a bad temper and uses aggression and intimidation to force an apology from your mum and gaslight you into thinking you are over reacting at his mums words and under reacting at your mum's defense. Adorable, really?

You have two choices in his eyes: cut your mum off or force her to apologise. He's not going to help you any, listen to any facts or be a good partner.

MamaHanji · 25/06/2017 21:27

I'm sorry but if my partner said that about any of my family, especially someone who wasn't in the wrong, I would send him packing. Disgusting. Do not minimise this. How would you feel if you heard your son say something like that about someone that was sticking up for them.

Don't let him twist this. He is abusive and threatening.

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