I have reached rock bottom.
A bit of background - married a long time and have 2 grown up DCs who are my pride and joy. The last 5 years have been really difficult with a constant string of things going wrong that put a strain on our marriage.
3 years ago H had an emotional affair, which we managed to recover from, or so I thought. Then a year or so later he went on to have a full blown affair with a colleague, moved in with her etc etc.
I started seeing someone new fairly soon after, which I realise was probably too soon, but he was lovely and we had a nice relationship. But all the while I missed my H and started to try to bring us back together and over the last year we (or more accurately, I) worked towards it. I invested a huge amount of emotional and mental energy, positive thinking and soul searching to keep our marriage vows alive. I really thought we could do it. We had had such a fantastic, perfect marriage for many, many years that I was confident we could get back on track. He said he saw the error of his ways and wanted to make a go of things too.
So fast forward to this week. He finally moved his things back in and agreed to give it a try. He left OW, who he still lived with but not in a romantic way. He described it as being a lodger, child minder, general odd job man around the house and I do believe that. But after just a few days of being together, the first row happened. I told him I can't do it. He left.
What I found in the old light of day was a complete shock though. The reality is, I think we love each other because we have a long history but we are not 'in love' with with each other. I realise that he is not the man I fell in love with all those years ago. Too much has happened for us to go back to that glorious time.
I feel such a fool. A complete mug. I read back what I have just written and can see how ridiculous it all looks, what a complete bastard he has been, what a fool I have been. Why on earth would I consider a relationship with a man who had 2 affairs? What on earth was i thinking?
So now I feel utterly numb. Utterly exhausted. I need to start divorce proceedings and get control back of my life. I just don't know where to start or how to start.
Please be gentle with me. I know I've been a fool. I know he's been a complete bastard. Practical wisdom is what I need right now please.