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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need some help, or a crystal ball

47 replies

MagpieJay1980 · 10/06/2017 10:45

I can't share too much on here as wish to stay anonymous but I have a really tough decision to make by Tuesday and I just don't know what to do.
A brief outline. I am 37 and have 5 children of 18, 15, 11, 10 and 8. my husband and i are currently separating. The eldest two children are from my previous relationships. We haven't got on for a fairly long while but only properly decided to separate in April. He is probably best described as a functioning alcoholic that can be emotionally abusive/stonewalls but never physical and mostly it's because the children and I frustrate and infuriate him although he loves us?! He works full time and is leaving so he says at the end of the month. The children know and although upset are ok about it. I am a stay at home mum/carer/student (two of the children have autism that we cope well with and our youngest has a medical condition that results in hospital stays sometimes.) I am studying a degree from home.

Now the dilemma is I am 12 weeks + 5 days pregnant. It isn't my husbands although it is the same father as my second eldest. He (the father) is a good friend and would like to be together but I can't really deal with a relationship right now especially considering our past relationship and I just feel awful about everything. I don't know if I would want to be with him all the time as feel I just need to concentrate on my family at the moment and am mentally and physically exhausted most of the time. He is supportive whatever I decide as to keeping it or not but currently feels pushed out and hurt. I am so torn as to what to do. I have a surgical termination booked for Tuesday but I will be 13wks + 1 then. I had a scan this week and I know it looks like a baby. I had a termination many years ago (my husbands and at his request when we were first together) and I found it really hard after psychologically but then I don't know if it's just for the best as I can't see how any of this can end well for anybody if I keep the baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 10/06/2017 14:02

And yes that is the exact reason I wouldn't let him move in (or anybody tbh) because although I like to think the best of people I just don't want to financially provide at home for another adult. My current husband is like having another child at times and it's very draining

OP posts:

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 12/06/2017 16:38

Ok so decision made.

I will be on my own, my decision.

I still haven't decided if I should go in the morning for termination or not. Just the thought of killing something sits uneasy with me. Part of me says it is for the best though.

OP posts:

PossibiliTea · 12/06/2017 23:06

Wishing you the best whatever your decision

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 13/06/2017 10:54

Thank you, well I got there there today to be told all surgery cancelled as surgeon was ill. I have rebooked it for a few days time but am finding this all so hard and can barely think straight.

The Father is now out of the picture, mostly thanks to some good advice on here opening my eyes a little bit.

OP posts:

PossibiliTea · 13/06/2017 16:34

Unbelievable, it's hard enough to have built up the courage to go and make the decision then have to come away and go through it al again. Obviously no ones fault but it's just hard.

Well just think in a few days time you can start afresh x

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 13/06/2017 16:43

I was pretty annoyed as it was a 2hr drive each way and they didn't tell me until 30 mins after I got there. Very stressful,

OP posts:

user1471464232 · 13/06/2017 20:20

I know that only you can make the decision, but almost every one of your posts highlights your doubts about ending this pregnancy because of how far you are along. Please be as sure as you can be before going through with it, and seek as much professional support as you can - for your own wellbeing.
Best of luck - you are in an extremely difficult position without a reliable partner to share the burden but you sound like a strong person

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 13/06/2017 20:54

User147 you are right, it does bother me and I do view it differently to what I would if I was just a few weeks. I think it is the biggest part of my indecision. Feel like I'm stuck between a wall and a rock really. I can completely see why to terminate is probably the 'best' thing for everyone (including me) as in I could carry on with my divorce without it causing issues there and my children wouldn't have to adjust further and I could 'move on'. The other side of me says keep it and things will have to work out but I am worried about having enough time and energy (I am very tired atm most of the time) and fear i would be making a bad decision. After all I haven't done so well on my decision making skills recently!
Basically I'm trying to look at damage limitation to my family while finding a solution that sits emotionally easy with me and so far there isn't one.

OP posts:

user1471464232 · 14/06/2017 11:34

I really feel for you. If this was earlier in the pregnancy then I'm sure you wouldn't even have posted.

I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but is adoption an option for you? I realise that comes with its own set of problems, so not exactly an easy fix.

I worry that the impact of the decision to terminate would be long term. I realise there are a lot of short term negative impacts of going ahead with the pregnancy, but do you feel these issues would settle down eventually?

It would also be a lot easier to go ahead with the pregnancy if you knew you could rely on the father to step up and support you in every way.

It's such a shitty situation. There will be a lot of people that don't agree with termination that late (myself included) but I'm sure most people would be sympathetic to your situation and understand if you went through with a termination.

I'll be thinking of you whatever you decide

SparklyScourer · 15/06/2017 22:58

How are you getting on op?

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 15/06/2017 23:09

Still as confused as ever and only have until the morning to decide.
Adoption just isn't something I could do, if I had the baby I'd be maternal and protective over it. My kids also would know and would find it hard to accept.
The father I think is going to be a pain and keeps trying to come back but I do think I'm better off without him.
I get upset every time I think about the abortion but I wonder if it's hormones and me not being rational, the negative short term of me keeping it would be having to tell my husband (although it was conceived the week we separated), having to tell the kids but I'm also worried about how it will impact on my husbands relationship with his kids and there relationship with the baby as they may resent it. Also I have no idea of working out how hard it is all going to be on my own as my husband isn't moving out for another 2 weeks. I will also need to rely on my husband to have his three and for friends to have the baby with my current youngest son goes to hospital with his medical condition which is likely a couple of times a year at least.

OP posts:

SparklyScourer · 16/06/2017 13:15

Hope everything went ok this morning x

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 16/06/2017 13:49

Well, I feel like a failure and pretty cross with myself right now. When I got there they said they'd only do sedation not the general anaesthetic that was agreed because I have asthma and allergies.
I got as far as the operating table and then the surgeon didn't want to go ahead because I was unsure of myself. He said I needed more time. Except I've kind of run out of time as next appointment if I rebook will make me even further ahead, I'm starting to feel it move and it's a slightly different procedure next time if I rebook as will be D + E rather then vacuum. I am at home now and really don't know what to do. In hindsight I should have been brave and had it done, it would have been over now.

OP posts:

BengalGal · 16/06/2017 13:53

It really seems you have enough on your plate. With two kids already with special needs, and one that needs occasional hospitalization there is a high chance the next baby will also have problems, maybe worse than all the others. Caring for a new baby, even a healthy one, is going to take time away from the children you have. Is that really fair to them? And that degree you are working on.....where would you find the time?

If you can't deal with termination there's always adoption. Though a child with special needs may not be the easiest to be adopted. Personally I would not be able to give up a baby I've carried, but I did abort a baby at five months who had almost no chance of survival after birth because of a lung condition. The doctors wanted me to keep her because they wanted to try in uterero surgery. They had tried this before with 0 success but thought there was a chance. And one person had their baby's condition miraculously disappear the last two months in the womb. But 99.9% died and I couldn't handle continuing the pregnancy with so little chance of survival.

I also lost a child naturally at 5 months. My womb opened a little and the sack got weak and broke. He died at birth and I gave birth to him naturally. That was far more traumatic.

So while I mourn those babies I was fortunate to have three healthy ones. And mourning gets better over time. I think you can get over the anguish of abortion, but bringing another child into a family with five other kids that need could be really tough on them for the rest of their childhood. It will make the whole loss of their father figure worse as well.

Of course it is your decision and you have to do what feels right to you. At least you do have a choice, and hopefully will use birth control in the future.

BengalGal · 16/06/2017 13:54

Ops, just saw my message is probably too late. Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster

MagpieJay1980 · 16/06/2017 14:17

BengalGal,
I'm really sorry to hear about the babies you lost. I can completely understand why you chose not to carry on. I am 'lucky' in a way that I know the one I'm carrying cannot have the same genetic issue my youngest has due to the way it is inherited. If I knew I was carrying another baby with a medical issue like my last then I would abort with no problem at all as I see what he goes through every year and it isn't fair. It makes it harder in that I know this one is likely without problems.
It is the impact on my other children which is my main reason for considering abortion. I just feel it is so hard to choose to end a potential life but likewise equally hard to stretch myself any further. Thank you for your post though. It does help x

OP posts:

MrsELM21 · 16/06/2017 14:35

I'm not sure you really want to have a termination, if you did, I think you would have done it by now.

I am very pro choice but in this situation, yes it's bloody difficult but I think keeping the baby is the right thing to do.

BengalGal · 16/06/2017 15:33

Good luck. I think you better rebook asap as if you are unsure you can always back out again.

Sucks that they wouldn't do the general. Far easier to handle.

Hoping it all works out.

BengalGal · 16/06/2017 15:39

I'm also pissed off at the doctor. Anyone is going to be conflicted and upset, particularly when you were expecting to be put to sleep through the procedure. (But they can give you drugs to be really unaware and remember nothing, sedation is enough). The Dr. Had no right to decide you weren't ready when you were already there on the operating table!

cooldarkroom · 16/06/2017 16:14

do not have any more children ... I could write more, but the PP have said most of it

SparklyScourer · 20/06/2017 11:01

PossibiliTea · 22/06/2017 14:25

How are you getting on op? X

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