Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

2 months post split

19 replies

shandybass · 10/06/2017 09:07

2 months post split up and things are settling. It's not been particularly dramatic we decided to split. Exdh says he would have carried on but made no effort to resolve our problems or show he cares over the last two years of getting to this point.
We're both getting on ok and the dcs seem fine although will say they are sad about the split from time to time. The difficulties I'm having is that although we're ok I feel really let down by my family and friends. My close friends are fab the ones I had spoken to before but everyone else is very distant. I know it wasn't very nice that I hadn't spoken to them before the split to say things weren't good but I had to think of protecting the dcs and to be honest I knew there was nothing they could do. But now that it's all out in the open and we are living apart, I thought there'd have been more caring. They don't speak to me about how I am or what's happened just normal other stuff even though I bring it up. I'm finding it confusing and hurtful like I'm living in a different world.
Has anyone else had this reaction?
I went out with one friend the other night and despite me making different comments about my new life she never responded once or acknowledged anything about my split, I hadn't seen her since the split and knew she was shocked by it as another friend had told me. My Aunt was down visiting and I asked her round the other day, and she never once said anything beyond nice house, nice garden etc etc. And I'm close and respect her. It makes me feel quite out of this worldly if that makes sense and plays on my mind at night especially.
I'm not sure why it's bothering me. Exdh, dcs and me are ok. The empty nest bit when dcs aren't here is hard but I was expecting that. The friends and family bit is a hurt I wasn't expecting.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 10/06/2017 10:06

Perhaps they aren't asking because they don't want to seem like they are prying ? Or maybe they are trying to keep your mind off it? Maybe they are worried if they ask you then you may get upset etc.

shandybass · 10/06/2017 10:14

Maybe user1. It comes across as false and uncaring, as if I'm living in an unreal situation. I just wish it didn't bother me as much.
Thanks for commenting.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 10/06/2017 10:23

Maybe it's because their relationships aren't great and don't really want to discuss it and make them think about their own relationships.

Ellisandra · 10/06/2017 10:31

Honestly?
2 months on...
Yesterday's news is today's fish and chip wrapping.
It's not even recent any more - so people who wouldn't ask you in the first weeks aren't going to start now.

Nobody asked me how I was getting on. People don't want to pry, or are worried about upsetting you. Or embarrassed to ask - more comfortable to pretend all is OK. If you're like me and appear to be totally sorted and together over it, another reason they don't ask.

You said you didn't share the marriage difficulty before - I understand why. But that sets you up as someone who doesn't need / want to talk about it - so don't take it personally now that friends don't try.

Don't judge your friends on what they say now. Judge them on whether they would listen if you told them how you feel. References to a new life don't count - be direct if you want emotional support.
"Getting used to empty nest" can mean - well, this is odd, but I'll get used to it and child free time isn't all bad. It doesn't signal you want to talk.
"Kids are with X today, and I hate it, I miss them and this isn't the life I imagined or wanted when I had them" - that's what I said to my friends when I needed to talk.

YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 10:38

Difficult to know really what going on with them. I had a few family members who couldn't understand that we separated when things didn't (in their mind) seem that bad. And so didn't share any thoughts or behaved like it hadn't happened. There was also a little bit of judgement that didn't come out for ages. But mainly just found it awkward. Also some treatment that I was having a funny turn/mid life crisis! (That continues!)

Much later a very close friend (who was really supportive actually) admitted our separation really unsettled her and her husband in terms of reflecting on their own relationship. Don't know if any of that might be relevant.

Im glad for you that you have some supportive friends. Maybe think carefully about which other friends or relatives you think would be able to give you the support you need and be honest and upfront about what you need from them. And accept that some people aren't going to or aren't able to offer the support you need just now.

I might have got this wrong but you sound calm and practical. Probably because you've had to take control of the situation and try make it ok for your DC and husbsnd. I wonder if people might not realise the big emotions you might be feeling.

shandybass · 10/06/2017 11:11

Yes I agree with all your posts spot on. Crich I know some of my friends are struggling in their own relationships and they especially have been judgemental or ignored it. I kind of get that.
Family I'm sure are judging and can't see that it was that bad.
Ellis I have been told I need to be more direct when I need stuff as yes I am naturally calm Yoshmi and undramatic although as it's been a long time coming I can't say I hadn't envisioned the hard parts and I'm not regretting it, but that's not to say that this is huge for me and a major adjustment and loss of the hope I had for a happy marriage.
I guess sometimes I fear all the judgement and if people don't mention it I have no idea what they think and so fear the worst whereas maybe they are quite sympathetic. That one kind word or comment puts my mind at rest.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 10/06/2017 13:50

Splitting up is so common though. It doesnt look like he cheated so there is no scope for any righteous indignation on your behalf. If it was just the two of you, disagreeing about things and then you leaving due to it being unresolved then the reaction isnt going to be much more than -meh.

People arent mind readers. If you didnt want support during a marriage you felt you eventually had to leave, why would they offer unsolicited support now? Friends seek out friends for help during difficult times. You didnt count on them as emotional friends then, so why think of them as that now?

Ellisandra · 10/06/2017 13:57

You're presenting it as either judgement or sympathy.
But the reality is that most people (even friends) don't really care that much. They're not judging you or sympathising - they're just not thinking about it.

Divorce is so common, they just don't be seeing it as that big a deal. Of course it's bloody awful when it's you going through it... but because it is so common, I don't think it stands out for other people.

TBH, even having been through it I tend reserve my biggest sympathy for friends who are still in shit marriages - not the ones who have busted out!

YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 14:20

I imagine thinking people don't care might feel a bit sad just now. It's true that people are generally caught up in their own lives but clearly there are friends who care. I agree it can get forgotten quickly but I think some people do understand it's huge.

whatsmyname2017 · 10/06/2017 14:31

I know how you feel a bit OP. My xdp only moved out last weekend (although we separated a couple of months ago) but I feel there are only a couple of my friends who bother to text/ring to see how I am getting on. It is a bit sad but, I honestly think that unless you've been through something like this yourself, you don't realise how hard it can be.
I probably get more support coming on here because others have been through exactly the same thing. For me, I struggled with the feelings of grief when he first moved out. This has faded quite a bit thankfully but some days I feel 'on my own' even with the kids. Adjusting to life as a single mother is going to take me a long time. I just think my friends probably don't know what its like. Plus many of them have stressful things going on their lives too.

shandybass · 11/06/2017 06:55

Waw yes Scottish, Elis others I was concerned that not mentioning it meant they didn't care which you have affiirmed, splitting up is common, so is death, would you say the same then.
Yes we chose to split up but it was incredibly hard and I wish it wasnt the case and that we could have worked it out but that wasn't enough and I couldn't sort it on my own and no friend or family could either.

OP posts:
Onceafortnight · 11/06/2017 07:01

I think people generally do care but people don't know what to say. Also they don't want to appear nosey. When I had to tell work colleagues (I changed my name) only one person came up to me and said, omg, I didn't know, hope you're ok. Everyone else looked uncomfortable and probably had the same reaction but didn't want to say it directly.

HarryBlackberry · 11/06/2017 07:19

Got no advice op, other than this happened to me. My and ex and I split two years ago, and my sister, who I was always very close to, didn't bother herself at all. I was so hurt by it. In fact, I've only seen her about three times in the last two years and she doesn't live far from me. I still feel hurt today. She even stopped giving me birthday presents. It's very hard and I felt abandoned by a lot of people. I've had to pretty much start again and take up new interests, etc, to meet new people. Sending you hugs. X

whatsmyname2017 · 11/06/2017 08:00

I'm really missing my old friends from back home now after my separation. They are the ones I've known the longest. My closest friend here has been great, listening to all my troubles, talking to me and giving me good advice but, despite being single with no DC and living 10 minutes from me, she never suggests meeting up at weekends to see if I;m ok.
I even texted her yesterday to say I was struggling this weekend in the hope she would offer but, she just said "Oh I hope it gets easier for you".
I suppose I'm selfish to expect her to drop everything now I'm single. She probably feels I didn't bother as much with her when I was in a couple.

Ellisandra · 11/06/2017 08:28

Would I say the same about death?
Actually, yes. The same mix of awkwardness, now wanting to upset you by bringing it up, not wanting to have to deal with your emotions if they do - and basically, not caring enough.

My fiancé is a widower and his experience - and I've read this elsewhere on places like MN - is that it's very similar. People don't ask.

When I say people don't care, I don't mean in a really harsh "don't give a shot about you" way. I mean that it simply isn't as big news for them as it is for you - and no, bottom line, most people aren't that bothered and thinking about it often.

That doesn't mean they won't be there for you if you ASK, but there's no point in hanging back and getting upset that they're not bringing it up!

Yellowaardvark · 11/06/2017 11:31

I could have written your post myself! I am a month in and am really disappointed in some people. It's tough - as I tell people they always say "let me know when you need to talk, I'm here anytime" but in the case of many when I ask if they want to do anything with me they are always busy and unwilling to move things around. I am also hurt by how few people "check in" if that makes sense - a short line to say are you OK? I like to think I would have done the same for them.

I need to find a way to ask people to help, but it feels so daft and I don't want to impose on them. I have a couple of friends who have been fabulous, but don't want to over burden them either.

Arg! Maybe we should just talk to each other!

scottishdiem · 11/06/2017 11:55

shandybass I think you are mistaking not being concerned with not knowing how you feel.

Whatsmyname2017 · 11/06/2017 13:21

I also feel bad as I probably wasn't there enough for friends who have been through this in the past. It's only now I can appreciate how bloody awful it can be. So I guess I can't really blame friends for not seeming that bothered. I also think that because I ended the relationship, they assume that I'll b ok. I swear now that if this happens to any of my friends in the future I will go out of my way to b there for them

shandybass · 15/06/2017 10:01

Thanks everyone. Really helpful comments. It is clearer for me now and I'll try and not over think things and understand that people just deal with things differently and it doesn't mean they don't care at all, but yes Whatsmyname I'm sure I've not done enough for my friends/ family at times and I will try and rectify that.
Things are working out and I have good friends and my family haven't been horrible or his actually and so I will look at the positives and realise I've actually come a long way from the miserable half life I had before even though it was more socially acceptable.
Yes Yellow the beauty of mn isn't it you can always find people who are in a similar situation to you and get great support from hearing how others manage and have the same struggles.
Ta mn.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread