Is this it for good

[Theresnowineleft]

DP moved out a few months ago after years of arguing and MH issues and is wanting to attend counselling but is keeping me at arms length in the mean time as any sort of relationship isn't possible after all the arguing according to him and how horrible I have been. DCs have regular contact but I'm very hurt and confused at the cold and detached behaviour towards me.

I am trying to be NC but it's so difficult as I feel so hurt and alone. Everything came to a head tonight and I ended up saying I don't want to go to couples therapy as I don't think there is much point because of his callous attitude towards me and his response was well fine if that's what you want.

The constant ambivalence and rejection is totally messing with my head and whilst he says he is suffering from anxiety from my perspective he has things exactly his way.

I want to just tell him to fuck off but then I have moments of total weakness and try and communicate with him only to be pushed back as he can't cope with the stress.

I'm so confused by his actions. Is there any coming back after separating bearing in mind I've always held the belief once it's over it's over, this time I can't seem to let go.

Please help!

Have you considered there might be an OW, and he's been trying to make you finish it?

Yes, I've considered it and accused him of it several times over. He is adamanat there isn't and that if there was he would have told me as there is no point in lying about it. He says much of the reason he can't cope with the relationships is because I have accused him of having an affair and caused untold damage as it wasn't true. I had PND and was fairly volatile.

As he is so detached now, I do ask him if there is and if that is why he left, he said he left because he can't live with the constant accusations and arguing.

The thing is he won't say yes, but in a couple of months a "new" girlfriend might appear suddenly.

I would just cut your loses, try to only communicate with him about the DC and any other practical stuff which you have to communicate over. I would also try to move towards divorce and getting the financials sorted as soon as possible.
Don't try to get him to pick you, and just get on with your life. Make new friends, have fun.

Then why would he insist on counselling if he has met someone else? It's all so confusing. He has also said he has no interest in a new relationship as he has to sort out his MH issues. His friends have confirmed this too and whilst I am suspicious generally having been messed around I'm not entirely convinced there is anyone but I've read enough on here to know it's usually the case. I'm just not sure it is though.

Sorry, he always says he wants to resolve our issues but needs time to sort his head out after having a total breakdown and being off work for a month because of all the stress

Also not always

Sounds like you sent him a loud and clear message that you have no trust in the relationship when you accused (again and again) of him having an affair?

As a guy, if my partner thought so little of me to accuse me of having an affair then I would not want to be in the "relationship" any longer.

I don't think there is an OW. Just sounds like he has his own issues and your behaviour towards him isn't helping.

Is it over? Probably. If you do want to make it work (it sounds like he has tried making this a possibility- good on him) with him then go to counselling with him. This was his olive branch. Take it. Otherwise, leave him alone.

Every person deserves to be happy in their relationship. That includes your partner. Unfortunately it may not be with you.

I hope you can find someone that makes you happy too.

Sorry you are going through this OP

I for one don't think there is another woman. Sometimes communication breaks down massively and the hurt felt on both sides puts walls up.

It's no where near as bad but DH has a tendency to suffer from anxiety, well in the past, and I know it is possible to get into a vicious cycle of negative emotions. It's hard to explain especially brief or written down, but it sort of becomes a situation of wrong perceptions and your own worries/doubts/frustrations clouding your judgement and reactions.

It can be difficult to deal with especially with a young baby, and I think what it comes down to is if you do feel you both love each other enough to work through these difficulties via councelling etc, and discuss this together.

Also it sounds trivial but it's amazing how much a little bit of acknowledgement, understanding and little caring touches can do :)

I actually disagree with Badhatter that it is hopeless, I think that only depends on whether you decide together that you want to be in a relationship.

I do agree that your DP has his own issues, so do you and it's hard for both of you. Insecurity is hard to have and hard to live with, and I do think counselling can help with this.

Thanks badhatter yes I agree with almost everything you say however there were occasions where he lied about things and got caught out so it started me doubting him hence the accusations. They didn't come out of nowhere, I'm not by nature jealous. He usually gets angry if called out on anything and I can't say how I feel because he can't deal with any issues like that so nothing is ever resolved and we go round in circles.

Thank you Cherries I feel like I am drowning, he has cut back on the booze at least, I am trying to get it together for our children but tonight has been awful.

Wow sorry OP I didnt realise he had drink problems too :(

Those will not help his MH and IMO heavy drinking is incompatible with a healthy relationship.

It must be very hard to draw a line between deciding to leave and deciding to support your partner, I do empathise :(

Maybe a proper break would be good for both of you, is that possibLe?

I would be able to support him 100% if certain things hadn't been said or done. Yes the drinking was horrific and the aggression that would go with it, he never hit me never would but everything else that goes with an angry drunk happened and I have been blamed for it all.

I still love him but not who he is at the moment or has been for a long time, nor the facade he puts on because he 'struggles with emotions'. I'm not painting him in a good light I suppose but he does his best to provide for his children and works hard so there is that it's just family life isn't too much.

We are on a proper break for all intents and purposes with counselling as a life line in a way. I'm scared it won't work and I won't be able to deal with accepting that, as I'm not coping with the separation.

So sorry OP

Agression is never ever okay though :( I'm not sure if you should even be trying to forgive that, it sounds very worrying :(

Why not get counselling for you? Why do you feel you can't cope without this (frankly not great) relationship?

You can do it. But no contact helps.
Look at breakuprecoveryguide.com/NoContact

It's difficult op when a relationship breaks down to learn to stop focusing on him when your focus is much better when placed on you.

Stop thinking/worrying/obsessing about what he is or isnt doing.

Concentrate on how you want your life to be - and get started on that.

He sounds like a dick.

I am trying to forget about him but it's very difficult when you have children. Him saying he doesn't want Everyone to be apart and by going to counselling hope to resolve our difference but in he meantime he is life his life completely separately which is think is cruel and very very confusing. I am not sure whether to let him have his space and try counselling as he may be in need of support or just walk away once and for all.