Almost 1 year anniversary of our Engagememt and...

[gillybeandramaqueen]

...not ONE discussion since then about marriage generally or weddings or anything related.......

IS THIS WEIRD?????????

So you posted "not ONE" discussion, but there have actually been two
Don't get married if you both can't even handle talking about it!

My partner was like this when I said I wasn't taking his name and DDs surname (both of ours) wasn't changing either. He was not happy DD didn't just have his name. I suggested he take my name but that didn't go down too well. Turns out he doesn't like that feminist shit, but it was ok when I had a 50k to buy a house and he didn't have a pot to pis in.

DD is 8 and we still aren't married!!

I suggest you start looking at venues and assume its happening, get some dates in the diary. If he still doesn't budge then time for a serious chat.

He's not interested and just did the engagement to keep you sweet. Sorry to sound harsh OP.

I agree with slack

DH was fully aware that I think long engagements are pointless, so being the control freak organised lady I am, I came with a few ideas. ran them past him, we negotiated on a couple of points and we had the whole thing done and dusted within 6 months (as in, booked and married).

If i'd have left it to him to ask me what my plans were we'd probably never have got round to it!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but how can a year go by and it not be discussed? Just because one time he wasn't in the mood, you let 10 months go by purposely waiting for him to bring it up??? You live together for Christ sakes. Just start talking about and planning it.

I don't think ultimately, that a lot of men would get married if they were truly honest with themselves. I don't think he's got intention of doing it. You're treading water with the engagement

Do you have any ideas about when and where you would like to get married? Maybe start looking into it and tell him? We had our venue booked 2 weeks after getting engaged.

I'm in the middle of a long engagement.

First marriage I had, I would have said I don't see the point of a long engagement.

This will be my second - the question was popped in a fit of unplanned enthusiasm. We talked dates immediately. Realised we didn't want to impact our respective children so waiting for one of them to go to uni. So we had an instant 2.5 year wait. Once we had a rough date agreed, we didn't mention the wedding again for a year - but, there were frequent references to "when we're married". Now we've had a flurry of activity with booking - and are back to not talking about it, as there's nowt to say.

Hand to say, I'm not feeling the love from your posts! Why do you want to marry him?

You have two kids together! Just tell him the pair of you are going down to the registry house next week, whatever day you're both off, and applying for a license and then get married. Forget about a 'wedding', just do the job.

He was never keeping me sweet..... in our first four years together when we had our 2 kids... I never once mentioned the subjects of engagement/weddings/marriage. It was entirely him who introduced the topic into our lives!!

Just discuss it again today, simple!

It's weird you have two children together yet can't talk about marriage and you are engaged. Agree that it sounds like he just proposed to keep you sweet, rather than any firm intention to marry. I also think long engagements are strange unless you are very young or the delay is for a particular reason, for example completing studies or giving yourself some time to build up you savings to pay for the wedding / honeymoon after buying a house.

I don't read from the OP that she's holding back in any way other than trying to protect her own feelings from her reticent partner. I interpret her posts and the words she's using as that she wants her partner to actively want to be married and want to drive this along.

I also think that she's taken a back seat with most decisions related to him to avoid him 'getting cross'. That's not a good basis for marriage but, with children in the mix she will always be tied to him anyway. This is never going to be a romantic arrangement (sadly for the OP) but as a legal arrangement and a more definite gillybean on the way she wants married life to start, it should work ok.

gillybean - I get the feeling that you don't want to push this in case he changes his mind. Your views should matter to him. Have a discussion about this and, if it doesn't go the way that you want then you have some decisions to make and you're free to make them. Not all men behave like this to their partners.

The closest we got was a few weeks ago when I went to a family friend's wedding and he asked me if it had given me an idea for our venue to which I was surprised and replied that no I hadn't been thinking about it at all because he and I had never had any discussions about it

So in other words a few weeks ago he tried to open a conversation about it and you effectively shut it down?

Why would anyone want to marry someone that that can't chat with ?
I mean, 'Being engaged^ is the period of time when you are planning your wedding. Normal process is you agree to marry, then you talk about when, and what sort of a wedding you are having. Generally, when you tell people you've got engaged, they say 'Congratulations' then they ask you about your plans, which, normally you and your fiance will have discussed at the time.

The purpose of engagement is to plan the wedding.

It's not a relationship stage

Why be engaged if you're not planning a wedding?

I feel really sad reading all these comments. I feel misjudged in a way. He said a long time ago that he didn't want a big lavish wedding (fine by me) or a big church do (again fine)... he said his ideal would be to just go away to somewhere lovely and do it just us (again fine by me)... but with 2 small kids aged almost 4 and almost 2..... the chances of that are pretty slim to none

Thank you lyingwitchinthewardrobe for getting me a bit more than some of the other MNers... xxx

Ok. So I've just bitten the bullet... I said:

It's a year next weekend since we were on that holiday.... when you proposed to me...

He said: Yes! It was a good holiday wasn't it......?!

End of conversation.

How silly.

You have 2 children so presumably live together. Now is not the time for being old fashioned/traditional. Just get something booked if it's important for you to get married. It doesn't seem like your partner is bothered.

As others have said - you don't seem to communicate.

What did you follow up with? The conversation only ends if you don't say "why haven't we started planning/when do you want to get married?" Are you deliberately avoiding asking the question because you're afraid of the answer?

What are you going to do next?

Step up and tell him it's the registry office next week. Don't bother about a wedding, you've got two kids together.

gillybean... It's not the end of the conversation but it needs to start differently, ok?

Gillybean: We've been engaged for almost a year now and I want to start planning the wedding.
Lazybum: Uhhh what's happening?
Gillybean: We need to finalise a date and a venue. When we went to so and so's wedding you seemed to like the venue. I like xyz venue. Which do you think we should have?
Lazybum: What are we having for tea?
Gillybean: So, I'm just going to crack on and get some prices for xyz venue as that's the one I want and you don't seem to have any objection.
Lazybum: Zzzzzzz
Gillybean:

Gillybean: We need to pick a date for the wedding; venue is fine so I was thinking x or y or z date. Pick one of those three, your diary is clear.
Lazybum: Ummm I don't know. Let's see what's on the telly.
Gillybean:

Gillybean: Right, wedding is 'y' date. We need to let people know.

END OF SCENE 1:

This is where it could go one of two ways. Either 'lazybum' agrees and you both start working towards the date, notifying people, etc.

ALTERNATIVE SCENE:

Lazybum: I didn't want to do this, you're pressuring me. I want to do it in my own time.
Gillybean: Well, this is the time. We have children together and we're engaged. It's now or never and believe me, I'm starting to not mind which.
Lazybum:

Gillybean: Fine by me. If we're not getting married then move out please. You can have the kids 50:50 and we'll tie up the legalities with a solicitor so that they're protected.
Lazybum: Ok...
Gillybean:

END OF SCENE 2:

One year later...

Lazybum: Gillybean, I was thinking, perhaps we ought to get married afterall.
Gillybean: Not a chance. I have what I need and I've met someone who really wants to be with me. Be happy, Lazybum, but not with me, you're not in my league.
Lazybum:

Gillybean:

END OF CONVERSATION... and beginning of fabulous happy relationship for Gillybean

TheNaze73

I disagree that men don't want to get married. My DP massively wants to get married. He asked me over 2 years ago and our wedding is booked for 2018. We had to save up.

DP refers to me as his wife sometimes and when people mistakenly refer to me as Mrs Surname, he grins like an idiot and never corrects them.

He's not a sap either. He's about as romantic as a teaspoon but I know he wants to be married to me.

OP, you aren't starting the conversation properly.

"So next week will be a year since you asked me to marry you. Shall we start to think about dates and venues?"