Questions over being the one to leave

[Upsadaisy]

Thinking of leaving my dh and the thought terrifys me.
I'm a big beleiver that if you ask yourself 'what if?' questions then you must answer them. However my thoughts are just running riot so not having much luck.
I'm kind of just putting these out there to make them more real and help me get perspective but please if you see a what if you know the answer to through experience, I would really appreciate it if you would share it with me.

Without going in depth he's basically a cheeky sod who just constantly pushes his luck by asking too much of me.
Weve done the marriage counselling thing to death previously and talked and talked (married over 11 years). I've had enough of his gall! and his ignorance of anyone but himself.
I do love him but he's just no good for me. I won't be leaving him at the minute but rather in a few months time. To be honest I finish my 2nd year in July/August then if I need to take a break to get back on my feet I won't have to redo this 2nd year (which I probably wouldn't).

My questions:
What if when I actually leave he kicks off big time?
He's not violent just a tantruming toddler flinging his arms about and stamping his feet really unnerves me, which he already knows.

What if he refuses to let the kids go with me and we end up doing a tug of war with them there and then?

What if I can't afford to pay all the bills on my own?

What if I really hurt him?

What if his family turn against me? There pretty much my only support with the kids.

What if this is just a whim and I leave and then I realise I've made a mistake? Have suggested a trial seperation....he doesn't want to know.

What if he refuses to sell the house to split the equity? there is no way he will leave this house, to leave him I'll need to find soewhere to rent?

If I rented a house got the keys then told him I was leaving would that hurt him more or cause him to react worse?

Is it wrong of me to just assume that the kids will be with me?

What if he turns really spiteful and refuses to see the kids?

What if he and his family slate me in front of the kids or to them?

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Hiya Dior hows things going with you?

Just don't want to live with him anymore! He's not nice except when it suits and he's manipulative in that he twists things round so you end up feeling guilty after he's done you wrong. Shocking is the only word and shocking at me for letting him get away with it for so long! In 10 years he hasn't changed i dare say if he hasn't done so by now he's never going to.

So sorry to hear how you are feeling Upsadaisy. I went through similiar about 18 months ago after finding a potentially incriminating email on my DH email (subsequently proved to be an "innocent" prank - long story). However what I did was make a full list of all our assets so if my fears were realised I would know how much he was worth. I am SAHM have not a bean to my name. I just felt that I then had some evidence of his wealth which he would automatically bury if we were fighting. I very subtley withdrew from his life with the children - I arranged to do things with the kids on our own, I ate with the kids at tea before he came home and ceased running all the errands that he got me to do etc etc. It only took a couple of week of this for him to realise where it was all going and he sorted his act out. The questions you ask are ones that only you can answer but if you are serious - do your homework first.

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Dior is so right. If you really do want to leave then it will be hard but you will no doubt be so much happier plus you will probably find suppport from the most unexpected places. Think back to the woman you were before you married - would she put up with DH behaviour?

Hi Upsadaisy,

I dont have much advise as i am in a similar situation at the moment, trying to empower myself with as much information about life as a single parent as possible.
The list of 'What if's' is endless and can be very scary.

I was talking to my psychotherapist today about the "what if i really hurt him" issue and she reminded me that he is responsible for the way he feels, coaps, responds to the situation. One cannot make it 'all ok' for anyone else.
You have to stop protecting him!

Sending you {{{{{{{{{{{ Hugs }}}}}}}}

What if you don't go and it all carries on the same for the next 30 years?

Sorry to hear about your situation, I have been contemplating the same, but fortunately it looks like things are now working out. However one of the things i found most useful was to look at what i would be entitled to in terms of benefits, tax credits, child support agency etc. the parentline website has a great section on separating both practically in terms of finances and also making it easier for children.

Thanks for your replys....I never thought we would be back at this point again but the fact that we are yet again means that the problems are not going away and that I indeed need to do something.
Its just so scary wondering what the affects it will have on everyone most importantly the kids.
I worry they'll hate me because I'm the one thats split our family up without any obvious outward reason.

Noodlestroodle I'll definately do my homework. I already know h finances as its me who soughts us out and unfortunately were skint however I will be looking into renting and any financial help I could get.

Dior I saw your thread a day or two ago and my heart went out to you {{{{hugs}}} hows things going?

Bellarosa thats a good point, he is responsible for himself. Are you still with your partner and considering leaving or have you already left? {{{{hugs 2u2}}}}}

Budgie the thought of living this way for the next 30 years my gut reaction is no way, no way, at all.

XP
Greenbeanie will definately have a look at website! really pleased things are working out for you and family How did you and your partner manage to turn things around?

Hi there, we've started to go to relate and after our 1st counsellor was rather useless (she was in training apparently). We now have a really skilled counsellor who is just so perceptive. She really challenged us and is addressing the root causes of why we are reacting towards each other in the way that we do. She also suggested that we probably had not really adjusted to having children and being a partnership as well as being parents which i think is probably true. So lots of work ahead but I'm feeling quite optimistic.

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Practical suggestions if you still want them - this is my very personal POV as a startpoint

What if when I actually leave he kicks off big time?

• he probably will 'kick off big time' - try to do it without the kids witnessing. At least you know it's coming. If you are afraid of physical violence have a friend nearby.

He's not violent just a tantruming toddler flinging his arms about and stamping his feet really unnerves me, which he already knows.
*well, so be it - at least you know what to expect. Practice with a friend. Don't get engaged.

What if he refuses to let the kids go with me and we end up doing a tug of war with them there and then?

• Have you thought about how and when he will see the kids in the future? Have this worked out, so you can say 'i am taking the kids now but you can see them xyz and they can stay with you abc...' so he knows when he'll see them (and so do they)

What if I can't afford to pay all the bills on my own?

• do a budget now, get CAB to help and the suggestions from this thread. Money will be tight short term

What if I really hurt him?

• you will, but he will get over it. His hurt is temporary. If he stays hurt forever and refuses to get over it that's his choice. Staying with him is permanent, endless hurt for you.

What if his family turn against me? There pretty much my only support with the kids.
*a risk you have to take. They may well, but they will want to carry on seeing the kids and will presumably help him with them, so you will have support that way

What if this is just a whim and I leave and then I realise I've made a mistake? Have suggested a trial seperation....he doesn't want to know.
*again, that's a risk. He may welcome you back with open arms. He may not. You might not want to go.

What if he refuses to sell the house to split the equity? there is no way he will leave this house, to leave him I'll need to find soewhere to rent?
*go to CAB for advice and housing etc so you know what the possibilities are. You are married so you will need to see a solicitor anyway. Court can insist the house is sold as part of the divorce. It is your house too.

If I rented a house got the keys then told him I was leaving would that hurt him more or cause him to react worse?
*there is no 'good' or easy way to do this for him or you. Do what makes you feel most comfortable. Personally I would definitely arrange somewhere to go to rather than risk him staying in the house

Is it wrong of me to just assume that the kids will be with me?
*I know how you feel about this one - it does feel selfish and guilty especially if you know they like you better than him. What do you think would be fair and reasonable? (and why?)

What if he turns really spiteful and refuses to see the kids?
*his decision and his loss - out of your control. He may threaten it during the process, only you know what kind of father he is

What if he and his family slate me in front of the kids or to them?
*again, his/their decision - the kids will probably eventually see through it. Have a cast iron resolve not to criticise them - but if they do it to you you can say to the kids 'do you think that is fair/true?' 'do you want to hear my side of the story'. (If they are teenagers they will always find something to hit you with - if you'd stayed together they'd be ranting on at you about something else, so don't take it too personally)

Well, sorry for the length, but hope it's given you some things to think about and disagree with. Good luck

Upsadaisy ,Its terrifying I know but you WILL cope, prepare as much as you can,but things will work out ok on your own,it may be hard but you will get through it.
A great website for fiding out what you will be entitled to financially,benefits wise is
www.entitledto.co.uk
(sorry can't do links)

As for your questions you posted,you got great advice on here already,one thing I will say is that as you are married he cannot refuse to sell the house,he would either have to sell and give you half the proceeds or 'buy' you out.For you and your children the best option would be to try to get him to leave,but that may not be an option.

Many of us have been where you are now and we've survived,in my case it's been a struggle but I can honestly say 100% that the struggles have been worth it and I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Your happiness and quality of life is the most important thing ,for you and your Dc's future,because if your not happy then how can you expect them to be.

I wish you all the luck in the world

Thank you so much for your replys. I can't seem to think of anything else at the moment and today one minute I have absolution (if thats even a word) and the next I wonder is it it because I'm stressed and i'm not seeing things clearly. I've given myself a few months to fully decide to make sure that I will be doing the right thing. I just want to make sure that the things that are getting to me are real deal breakers.

Dior I've been a mumsnetter for a couple of years now and although I haven't always posted i've lurked (it takes me forever to think of replys) usually when things have been stressful i look over the site and your name amongst others has become a familiar one. I'm really pleased things are on the up for you.

nowornever and theflumpsmum thank you....i think I already knew the answers but seeing them in black and white and from someone else seems more real. Everything just feels surreal at the minute.