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Original poster

SIL and MIL issues ...

26 replies

TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 19:21

I'll try to keep it short. I might be hormonal so I'm relying on you lovely lot to give me a slap if I need one.

MIL and SIL have never made any effort with me, to the point where after six years, they still don't know when my birthday is, what I do for a living or how old I am. I think that conveys their level of disinterest in me nicely. I always make the effort with them. I ask questions, invite them to do things with DH and I, and it's never reciprocated. And to be honest, they don't talk to me when we're all together anyway. Neither spoke to me at our wedding. I put up with it and keep trying for DH's sake, he had an awful relationship with his mother growing up and only in recent years are they close-ish again. We only ever see them when we instigate something, so maybe once a month or so. They never try to arrange anything, not even a quick cup of coffee. DH passes off their behaviour as 'just the way they are' and thinks that they are just both incredibly bitchy and self involved.

Anyway. I'm pregnant. We announced it last month to both families, and both totally blanked me at the family meal. No congratulations or anything. Not a hug. Not a single word exchanged. Not even a thank you for the food! And honestly, I'm hurt. Would it really have killed either to be polite and just say a couple of words?

I'm suddenly finding it upsetting. I'm not expecting to be the centre of the universe and have a daily phone call or anything extreme. I just feel like they should be making the effort, and I very much feel like if they can't be fucked with me, I can't be arsed letting them see the baby. I texted them both thanking them for coming and neither replied. They've not contacted me once.

MIL's been texting DH pictures of stuff she's bought the baby. And it's making me feel excluded. It would literally take a second extra to text it to me too.

Am I honestly overreacting? I'm not going to say I'm gutted. But I feel upset. I feel like I'm just an incubator to them. What am I supposed to do when the baby is here? Sit in silence with MIL and SIL for hours being blanked while they play with our child?

I'm sorry. I'm really not sure what I'm asking. I'm just at the point where I'm not willing to facilitate any relationship with our child. But I think that's probably incredibly unreasonable.

I don't want to drip feed, but this pregnancy has bought up a lot of feelings about my last few miscarriages. Both were unsympathetic. Bitched behind my back about me not attending family events days after (DH did defend me, and both promised to make more of an effort with me) and never actually well ... said or did anything nice. I needed support, and I would never expect a lot, but even asking if I was okay would have been appreciated!

Am I overreacting to all this? I'm hormonal, angry and confused. And tired, and heavy and did I mention tired? I just don't want to see either of them ever again. Or introduce the baby to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 19:22

I'm sorry! That's so long. I'm honestly open to any suggestions you guys have. I feel so guilty at keeping the baby from them, but that's honestly how I feel right now. Like they have no right to have anything to do with it.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 09/06/2017 19:25

Yanbu at all.

I wouldnt be happy them attempting to participate in typical granny/auntie excitement or activities whilst at the same time ignoring the woman who is making the baby.

I think you need another chat with dh.

Stop instigating stuff, and I would take a firm stance of "until they start taking an interest in me then Im not giving them any info on the baby".

Original poster
TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 19:27

Blush that is the stance I've taken since the announcement. I haven't bothered speaking to either of them since the 'thank you for coming' text.

I know I need to talk to DH. But I'd hate for him to jeopardise his already really fragile relationship with MIL.

OP posts:
TheABC · 09/06/2017 19:29

Hormones will be playing a part, but they do sound very rude! I would just step back, let DH continue the relationship (if he wants to) and focus on your pregnancy. Congratulations on your growing family!

ohfourfoxache · 09/06/2017 19:32

His relationship with his mother isn't your fault and it's not your responsibility.

Please stop trying to instigate anything at all. Please. I've been there, I'm 17 years in and gave up a few years ago. Honestly, it's not worth the heartache, I promise.

Their treatment of you is shit. Think about it this way: why would you want to expose your dc to people who treat you so abhorrently?

Underthemoonlight · 09/06/2017 19:32

I would be getting my DH to have a word and that their behaviour will not be tolerated. I had the same with my ex's mother she would ignore me for favour of DS and her DS. He never stuck up for me and the relationship deteriorated as a result.

glenthebattleostrich · 09/06/2017 19:36

So don't see them. They are rude.

glenthebattleostrich · 09/06/2017 19:37

Sorry, that came across as rude (ironically!!)

Pull back, when you do see them perhaps chat about all the lovely things you'll be doing with your family and friends because they have been so supportive!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2017 19:38

TheEvilPinkCoconut,

Re your comment:-

"I put up with it and keep trying for DH's sake"

And that is a mistake. Do not keep on doing that, you are really flogging a dead horse here because they are not interested. You also would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different. They see you trying to be kind as a weakness to be exploited and they have continued to treat you and your H abysmally.
It is not your fault they are like this, you did not make them that way.

Its not going to do your child any favours either going forward to see his/her parents being so disrespected by these people who are really drains on your life. They remain unsupportive and could well use your child to get back at your both as well.

Re your comment:-
" he had an awful relationship with his mother growing up and only in recent years are they close-ish again"

I wouldn't actually think that he and his mother are all that close now either given that he had an awful relationship with her whilst growing up. He likely is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and perhaps still wants her approval. Saying things like, "just the way they are" really is not great for you because he is excusing them. By not being able to stand up for his own self (due to familial conditioning)you're both getting hurt here. His own inertia when it comes to his family is simply hurting him as well as you.

You do not have to spend any time with people who make you feel bad and that includes relatives. Family are not binding. MIL and SIL (she was likely to be the more favoured child as well in that family when growing up) are very much two peas out of the same rotten pod.

You do not mention FIL in your post, is he still around?

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as that could help you also.

TheNoseyProject · 09/06/2017 19:42

Dh needs to get much more firmly in your court. He's enabling them to be shitty to you by making it clear it's fine fir them to treat you badly if they are nice to him. He's needs to grow s spine.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/06/2017 19:42

They are very presumptuous about their roles I think!!
They aren't entitled to play any part in your dc life given their lack of common courtesy to you!! But your dh needs to be speaking to them about it - he needs to put them right or let his fragile relationship go to pot. Their loss.

Your dh needs to be putting your feelings first at this time. And bloody always!

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2017 19:43

Honestly? I wouldn't be making any effort for them to see the baby when it's born. And given a newborn can't be away from its mother for any real time, they wouldn't be seeing it.

I'd be making it very clear to your DH that they won't be visiting the baby you in hospital, either. Fuck that. It's bad enough getting ambushed in your postnatal hospital bed by in-laws you're on OK terms with, but these two? No way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2017 19:44

He's enabling them to be shitty to you by making it clear it's fine fir them to treat you badly if they are nice to him. He's needs to grow s spine.

Actually, this is spot on.

picklemepopcorn · 09/06/2017 19:49

It's not up to you to win them over, to preserve their relationship with DH, to assist their relationship with your DC.

Just stop.
Just stop helping.
Let it fizzle out. Don't be an obstacle, just stop doing all the running.

VIPissArtist · 09/06/2017 19:53

Hi op its not on at all. And yes it will get much worse when baby is here and that sense of ownership and propriety comes out.

You may feel sorry for them - etc but they have treated you like shit on their shoe.

You need to lay down law to DH, sorry but enough is enough I will not have my dc bear witness to the way your family treat me and indeed may treat them.

You can tell dm to forget about buying things for the baby too.

happypoobum · 09/06/2017 20:19

I know I need to talk to DH. But I'd hate for him to jeopardise his already really fragile relationship with MIL.

Why? She sounds like an utter cow. Why would you want to facilitate or encourage any kind of relationship with her?

I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child.

Original poster
TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 20:25

I will say in DH's defence, he does try to talk to them. But he's very much brushed off by them. He had a massive row with his sister about it all, but nothing gets through to them. I think he just thinks they won't change, so why bother Sad

Thank you all so much for being so supportive. I really wasn't sure if it was me being the issue here. I'm going to talk to DH again, this time I will keep talking until there's some sort of resolution that doesn't involve making excuses for them. I'm glad I'm not being totally unreasonable for not wanting them to have anything to do with the baby. I don't really want them seeing us at all to be honest.

I was really worried that maybe previous losses were making me a bit possessive and protective of the baby Blush but I'm so glad you all get it. I just don't want them exposed to this kind of behaviour and grow up thinking it's okay or normal.

FIL is lovely. They've been separated for around 20 years. He's got his own family, again, all of whom are equally lovely.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 09/06/2017 21:10

I would say to dh "our children will not be having a relationship with grown adults who treat the babys mother so badly. Until they start showing me respect and actually acknowledge me they are not welcome in the world of something I have created"

picklemepopcorn · 09/06/2017 21:32

Really I wouldn't bother having it out with DH. Just stop. Don't get in the way, but don't facilitate it either. Let him work it out.

MiaZadora · 09/06/2017 21:39

Yeh they need to show you a basic minimum level of respect and warmth before they can play Grandma and Aunt

Original poster
TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 21:55

I think that's the thing. I get that they may not like me. But I do deserve at least the bare minimum.

It just makes me sad really, maybe I'll hold auditions for new in laws.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 09/06/2017 21:59

I'm not sure I'd make a big deal to my husband. Make it. Lear their behaviour to you isn't acceptable but neither is his accepting of it.
And you will not have your child brought up seeing either of these behaviours...

Original poster
TheEvilPinkCoconut · 09/06/2017 22:02

Fuzzy I'm glad I'm not being melodramatic and overprotectiv by wanting to shield them from this sort of behaviour. Like I said earlier, I just don't want them growing up thinking it's acceptable behaviour. Because it's not.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2017 22:19

You're not being unreasonable, but you're not doing yourself any favors, either. You're hurt, angry, and resentful, and while it's not without cause, you're ALLOWING yourself to be made repeatedly upset by the same thing, over and over. You already know how these women are. You've known for years. You probably already know it's not about you, because it isn't. This is ALL them and it's their problem. Honestly, you've got to just let it go. Don't give them another molecule of your head space. Talk to your husband and set new rules. You won't be around them. They aren't welcome in your home. You won't go somewhere with them only to be treated like you're invisible. His family is now HIS problem. I've been in your exact situation so I know what I'm talking about. You can't control them, but you can control YOU. They won't change so stop trying to change things.

All you need to do is be thrilled for the arrival of your baby and let them go about their merry way.

thefourgp · 09/06/2017 23:05

Yanbu OP. My SIL makes very little effort with me or DH. When our eldest was a toddler she asked me if she could start taking him on days out so her son would have company. I told her I wasn't comfortable with this but she was welcome to bring her son round to ours or we could visit them. She's never bothered doing either despite me offering this a few more times. If a person doesn't want to spend time with me, I'm not going to give them access to my children, no matter who they are. Xx