DD wanting to come home from her dads

[Suspendersformybelief]

Hi,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice.

DD is 5. ExH and I split when she was 2. We've had a lot of problems over the last few years, but, over the last six months, things have got a lot better and we are co-parenting well.

He has her for 2 nights a week, plus an afternoon where he brings her home after tea. Some of our disputes have been in relation to the fact he wants 50:50, which I always resisted as his work schedule is erratic and there have been times when she has got unsettled with nights chopping and changing all the time. Plus there was a period of time last year when I was genuinely concerned about the standard of care when she was there. That's all been dealt with though and I am happy now. I still have some reservations because he was emotionally abusive to me during our marriage, so I do feel I'll always have to watch his attitude towards her.

Over the last few months DD, although a very happy child in general, has become very clingy towards me. It's a bit of a mission of mine at the moment to encourage her to become a bit more independent when she's at home and not follow me around all the time so I can get jobs done etc.

Very ocassionally, she'll say she doesn't want to go to Daddy's, but she's usually OK about going. It's just because she wants me to go with her. The last couple of months, ExH says she's been getting upset sometimes at bedtime, saying she wants me.

I've suggested that she be allowed to come at night if that's the case, but he really doesn't like this suggestion. It seems to be getting worse though and not better and apparently her nights with him this week, she's been getting really upset.

My natural instinct says she should be able to come home if she wants to. But I know if I push this, it will break down all the progress we've made in the last six months and there will be lots of arguments.

I've been encouraging her and being enthusiastic about going to daddy's etc in the hope it will get better but it hasn't. I feel really torn... Should I stick with it in the hope it works because it's important to spend time with her dad or should I be sticking up for her and insisting she comes home when she's upset?

What would you do?

Hmm I'm in a similar position, although my DD is 10 now. We broke up when she was almost 6.

Our relationship has always been up and down tbh. Sometimes it works well, other times it doesn't. Money as always been an issue, but their relationship is my main concern. DD has increasingly been saying that she doesn't want to sleep at his anymore. Initially, I pushed it a bit, because I thought it was important, but now I don't. She sleeps at my mum and dad's, who live 5 minutes away (I'm an hour away). Yes, he's upset, but I asked her why and she said that she just doesn't feel at home there.

I would also say, I don't generally believe in 50/50 parenting. I think it's usually more in the parent's interest, rather than the dcs. I think it massively disrupts the dcs routine, it unsettles them and it takes longer for them to come to terms with the break up.

Anyway, I would listen to your DD and be honest with him. If she really doesn't want to stay and he insists she does anyway, then he's incredibly selfish. That said, it could just be a clingy phase which passes. You obviously have her best interests at heart and if he does too, this will be resolved.