Security OR happiness??

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Married to DH for 14years and two DS.

I've not felt happy for a few years, don't fancy my H nor am I in love with him anymore. There has never really been much spark or affection on both sides. He never really excited me or surprised me with nights out, weekends away and I can count on one hand how many bunches of flowers I've had over the years.

He has been slightly emotional abusive over the years, often having digs over my weight, making nasty comments and not always been the most supportive, in fact he has done some quite shitty things over the past...including having a ONS a couple of months ago.

I have thought about asking for a divorce, but I do have a good life with him. He has a very good job, I don't work. We have a lovely house, lots of holidays and are financially secure, so my DC are secure. Or do I throw all this away in a chance to find happiness with somebody else?

The thought of being a single parent on benefits terrifies me.

We don't sleep together anymore neither since his ONS so we are now living like brother and sister. He hasn't made a lot of effort to put things right since.

I feel so torn atm.

Do you communicate with your H? How was the ons discussed?

If you haven't resolved this and don't feel you have a way forward then you are likely to be on a path where you or him ends the marriage.

I personally could not stay for financial security..there is always a way forward and I believe everyone can rebuild.I have left an abusive H who was a very high earner...the future is uncertain for me but trust it's the right path to happiness.

Money isn't everything and projecting forwards can you imagine another 10 years of this?
That said I believe it's worth trying to save a marriage but needs both of you to be committed.

If you do divorce, you'll have to work. Now that he's had a ONS, he's gone to the other side, in my opinion, where a full affair wouldn't be ruled out. If you do intend to stay with him, please make sure you look after yourself financially by preparing yourself for a working life.

If the public image of being happily married is important to him, and having money without working/being on benefits is important to you, then why not have an open marriage? It's already shit, sounds like there is no love for each other, and he's already physically checked out.

Might as well use each other so you can both have your cake and eat it too.

This is of course if pretending outwardly to be happily married is important to him.

If not, seek divorce.

Perhaps he feels the same. Unhappy but knowing you don't work he feels trapped too.

I think first step is get yourself a job, like right now.

It sounds as though even if you stayed together now, it isn't going to last. So you are better off preparing yourself now.

What if he leaves you when kids are 18? Then what?

I have nothing against SAHM but I just think it puts women in such a vulnerable position, like you are now, you can't afford to leave and find happiness and I think that's a horrible situation to be in.

Get back into work and take it from there.

You only live once. As far as any of us know. I'd rather be hard up and in love than have all the trimmings and 'living like brother and sister'.

Do you still want to be there in 10 years? If not, start planning your exit strategy. A nice kitchen and holidays are no substitute for a life full of love and warmth.

Your children are learning what a healthy. happy relationship should look like from you. Are you happy with the lesson you are teaching them? Make your decision from that.

This sounds like a soul-destroying life, to me.

I have thought about discussing with him the option of an open marriage. When he told me about his ONS, I was upset, but not devastated. He works away often so might not have been the first time.

I am applying for jobs, but hear nothing back. We live in a place where there is very little work. I have signed up for a college course to start sept.

I just wondered what people thoughts were, if security was enough on its own to stay. I do fantasies about being in love.