Stay or go

[Lijah82]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I've pretty much realised that I no longer love my husband (or even like him most of the time). It's his personality traits. He's moody, negative, highly critical, wants everything his own way and is a whinger. He's no fun to be around and he makes me feel on edge because I never know what he's going to get moody about or whine about next. He literally walks into a room and it's like a black rain cloud has descended. He has no friends and seems to upset or piss everyone off and he doesn't even realise he's done it.

I married him because I convinced myself that I was running out of time to get married and have children. I'd been with him for years and had sacrificed so so much for him (career, living near family etc) that the thought of all that going to waste and me having to start all over again terrified me. I so so wish I could go back in time and not marry him. I've been in fantastic relationships before and know how it should feel. It's unfortunate that I was going through a period of very low self esteem when I met him. We now have a 1 year old son and live about 80 miles from my family.

I'm worried that if I divorce him he will inevitably get weekends with our son unsupervised. My husband doesn't seem to have any concept of how to keep a child safe. For eg, he leaves small bits around that our son could choke on, he doesn't watch him properly and seems more interested in his phone or laptop etc. He doesn't see the importance of heavy furniture being fixed to the wall or putting a barrier across our banister to stop our son from falling. I'd be worried sick of him looking after our son without me there.

My husband is a lot older than me and thinks he's so much more knowledgeable on everything! If we split up I'd also want to move closer to my family, but that would mean my son being on the motorway every weekend and I don't trust my husband to drive (he often uses his phone at the wheel). I could offer to drive him there and back or I could stay close to where we are currently living but I wouldn't be close to my family then.

I'd love a second child too but I'm 34 now so I can't really wait much longer to wait for my son to get to a less vulnerable age before I leave. If I wait much longer, my chances of meeting someone else and giving my son a sibling will be limited. I've had one or two health concerns too so time is a factor.

I'm literally torn. I've thought about staying with my husband and having another baby and somehow making it work, but there are genetic health issues in my husbands family too so it adds an extra stress to the relationship.

Please be kind, there's a lot of detail I've not gone into. Just genuinely feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place

Hey, I feel really sad for you reading that.
He sounds just like my ex. An absolute misery to be around, and emotionally abusive.
You are only 34. You're not even half way through your life - can you imagine spending the next 34 years with him? Would your son, in the future, value having a sibling over having a happy Mum that shows him what a real life is about? Rather than a walking on eggshells shells life?

In all honesty, I say leave, and go and live near your family and be happy. I wasn't married to my ex, and we never went to court so I don't have any actual facts, but if you raise concerns about your h and the way he lives and parents etc then wouldn't that be taken into account with the way court would decide visits? Especially if you documented things, and the emotional abuse.

Maybe you should get some proper advice on if it would actually be a full weekend - its easy to get really worried and worked up without proper info. There are contact centres that help with supervised visits.

No doubt there will be a flood of advice on here in a minute for you.
Hope you take it :)

Thank yo. I change my mind daily about what I should do. I feel like I want to leave as it's the only way I'll be truly happy again. Our relationship has been one big long battle... a battle to get him to commit, have a family, move closer to our families. My previous relationships were so easy going and easy. They enhanced my life not made it more miserable. But I feel like if I leave, my son will suffer. He'll have to spend time the rest of his weekends travelling up and down the motorway to spend time with his dad. He's got no siblings to keep him company when he's there and I feel like I need to be there to keep an eye on things. What a nightmare 😢 If only I'd not met him, but then I wouldn't have my little boy and he's my world

Before the Amen corner fires up once again, and whilst i feel for you in this pparently unhappy situation, from the mans side, it reads to me that you almost used him becuase you wanted a child and although he wasnt your prfect partner, you kinda put up with it. Now its not ok, your looking to dump and also seek to deny him a relationship with the child that you BOTH brought into this world !

Further it appears you are looking to retrace your steps and repeat by maybe seeking another (perfect?) partner to have a second child with, thus leaving this man wrecked and alone.

I think you need to leave him

You're just making each other miserable

I would say leave and make a life for yourself without him in it day to day.

Do not bring another child into this dysfunctional mess with this man you are currently shackled to. This is not working and you and in turn your child are being destroyed from the inside out. I am also not surprised that you met this man when your self esteem was very low; you were targeted by him really. The only good thing to come out of your relationship at all with this man is your child.

I would seek legal advice re your child and levels of contact; it may well be that he would not actually get any unsupervised contact at all. Do you actually think he would want any unsupervised contact anyway, such men are really only interested in their own selves and can use the child or contact levels as a weapon to get back at the child's mother. Your current level of knowledge re this is based on mere supposition; get proper facts.

Calling Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 would be a good use of your time as would be calling the Rights of Women organisation. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could also help you as well.