Seeing my mum in a different light, we are not talking, its a first!

[Creativeandpetite2016]

I am not sure if this is the right area to post but wanted to share with you a few issues I am having with my mum and hoping it is not sounding all my side or I am paranoid in any way here? its the first time I have ever been upset but think its been boiling up for a while though.

I am 42 (getting on a bit) my mum just turned 70 and looks fantastic and has loads of energy like a 50 year old even looks like one. My parents have been married about 50 years, well this year it will be 50 years. My mum had quite a harsh upbringing, her dad left her family when she was 5 and has never seen him since. She was brought up by my granny and mum always refers to that life as awful, depressing and handwork. Her sister, my auntie, always picked on her as she was the golden child with her aunties and not my mum apparently.

My mum is what I would call strong and practical. Whenever we were ill, I always remember she would just either hand us a bucket to throw up in, (sorry about the detail there) and get us to deal with it or she would be off shopping somewhere. She was always off doing something more interesting I always felt. She was good at making sure that everyone was fed but emotionally she had nothing to give us, I always went to my dad for that and weirdly that has never changed even in my other years as I have got older.

Now, heres the issue, (oh boy), I have a lovely partner, 10 years older, we have had our issues but hey we are stronger than ever, we have a lovely 5 lab puppy and a gorgeous cat and thinking of adopting next year too. Mum always mentions she wants a dog, but when it comes to it, says well they are too much responsibility and it would ruin her lifestyle. When we moved into our house, it was "oh this house was lovely, its beautiful" then when I was down once about all the builders, you get he whole "god I could never live there, too noisy, hate the leisure centre next to you much prefer mine and my house!" I was always left feeling awful for her comments. so is she being two faced? She said she never knows what to say to me, but being nice might help mum!

Now these comments have been getting stronger over the years, says nice things about my house, the dog only to turn really quite nasty. I was quite ill lately and needed some help as not sure what was wrong, I was thinking about getting an MRI scan and dad said yes I will pay for it if you need to get, it as you are in a lot of pain. Mum said "are you serious, its not that serious, and no dad will not pay for it!"

This has been my issue for years with her, dad is the nice one, or shall we say, helps me with things, not that i have asked him but he gets me and talks normally if you get what I mean whereas mum is this, hate to say charming, two faced strange person, who admitted to my partner once, "you don't know the real me, I am very selfish and like to get my own way if I don't want to do something!"

So when i was at theirs today, she said, where is your dog? I said she is at home in her crate asleep, she then says " well instead of you being here you need to be walking it, as you are the only person I know who doesnt walk their dog in the mornings, everyone else does. Its not fair on her."

So I just lost it, for once.....which ended up me feeling low as its like I am not doing enough for my pup, but mum then says to me " obviously its the time of the month and I am not standing for it and you are too sensitive, so I don't want you ever working over here in the mornings now, do you hear me and I have had enough of you and its time we have some space."!!

With that I said ok thats fine, I just thought I would let you know I am feeling somewhat dictated to by you and don't quite get your comments half the time, which upsets me and can be rather nasty too. She said well its the way I am, maybe i am the reason why you are alway so stressed and having these stomach issues.

(trust me its not, its food related I think and lower back issues).

So its the first time since moving house, I live about 20mins away that things between me and her have changed. She has loads of friends, goes out with them everyday, never really worked and has a great life, her and dad in separate bedrooms and even dad says he never sees her anymore. She says she is now living her life where her mum didnt and doesnt want to end up miserable.

Our little pup has 2 walks per day, I am noticing whatever I tell mum she turns it around and its my fault or I am not good enough. I am sure she just likes a reaction I really don't know. She has been a great mum but over the years when I have needed her or was ill, she never really got me or couldnt deal with anything emotionally. I can now understand why I was always so shy, reserved and scared at times of any confrontations. Now I am not caring, I am just being honest and this is a first, however mum has now turned it around and here we are.

I am not looking for emotional support anymore as I am 42 but its more about being nice, and just not saying one thing and saying another? its like who is this woman....

I feel quite low, as I feel like I have changed and or she has. She has a life outside of the family as that is all she talks about, her dancing friends, her friends, her afternoon teas, which is great and she is so happy with this new life....its the first time she has been out with friends like this in the last 2 years...so pleased she has found these new friends.... so dad says he never knows what to say to her on this and neither do I , but maybe I am more emotional and at 42, I don't need her for this but just for her to be nice and not this manipulative person??

My mum would hate to be vulnerable she admitted that or not to be independent anymore, that would just kill her, I said well at times you may need us, she said no, I don't I am fine, which makes me never feel close to her and to this day I feel something is false if that makes sense about her?

thank you for reading a rather long trail here...gosh it feels like I have just off loaded I am so sorry xx

Similar. She has problems showing emotions and that is the problem. Perhaps her upbringing has something to do with it though that does not make it ok.

Tbh creative it sounds like you could do with a break from her so that you can stand back and really analyse how you actually feel. It may well be that she has changed or you have or you've just recently been able to take a more objective view of her. Often we think we have/should like our parents (love is another issue) and tbh we are never going to like everyone we meet and sometimes we end up related to them. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your parents (no matter how old you are) to be supportive and positive (only exception would be if someone would come to real harm if they didn't speak up). As for her getting older and maybe needing more of your support, from what you've said about her response when you were ill as a child it seems like she doesn't feel comfortable having that kind go nursing/caring relationship with family so it might be that she'd actually prefer to have carers in rather than you helping in that way. I'll end as I started have a week break from her - maybe just text her once or twice a week for the next few weeks and perhaps organise to see your dad when she is off dancing or whatever (perhaps with a wee white-lie 'this was the only time I could do this week' if you think it necessary. Chin up - whatever your relationship with her you've turned out as a seemingly sensible successful adult!

Thank you for your kind response, yes I guess I have always put her on a pedestal in many ways and thought she was amazing but perhaps had rose tinted glasses on... when really she isn't going to be what I want her to be if thats the case, its just a matter of me being like her which I have done with her in the past and its helped me, there is just something very uncaring about her at times, childish and very false, but perhaps I am seeing it more as I am getting older and cant really rely on her anymore or help her either. which makes it a little awkward. I will do just that, distance does make you think, thank you xx

Do you think she's jealous of you? I've known mothers who become jealous of their daughter's youth and behave like this.

You need counselling. Make sure you get it. Work out your mother issues with the counsellor - you'll be happier for it.

You are far too tied to your mother - her opinions, her requirements. Let her go.

You write about your mother as if you are a teenager. You'll be much happier when you realise that she is an adult woman and must live her life as best she can, and you are an adult, too, and must do the same.

Sycamorewindmills oh really, I never thought of it like that to be honest, but maybe because she didnt have the opportunity in her younger years perhaps thats true...its definitely getting worse, since I met my partner and moved in with him as I never once stated he's a bad person, her comment again was, "I could never be with someone like him!" (whatever I have its never good for her or she hates and critizes).

I found her comment of "I just had kids because everyone did in those days!" rather disturbing. She also said, "well when you were kids I just stuck you in nurseries all the time as it bored me senseless to play with you all day and your brother, I hated being at home doing that!"

Nice mum....sometimes I often wonder did she ever want kids and perhaps there is this hate/jealousy in her...but its definitely affecting me now as I am older strangely....think its because we are thinking about adopting next year and part of me wonders if I can see her being around children again...or how she would be.... and she has always wanted a dog too and dad wont allow her to have one.....so there is deeper issues going on here!

thank you my lovely, I'm definitely thinking all sorts here and interesting you have seen this behaviour to be like that re jealousy!

I don't feel I need counselling nor do I feel I have parent/child issues as I have been without my mum for years as in travelled the world, work, never seen her in months, so never needed her its just her behaviour has changed since I have moved and she is getting nastier and rather manipulative. This is what I am trying to work out. I am not depressed or feel she has affected my lifestyle choices nor do I feel she is holding me back in life, I am just looking for some answers to her behaviour and if anyone has experienced this before as I know some people have.

Actually I think your mum is the way she is from her upbringing and she definitely sounds as though she has learned to cope with her own emotions without dragging everyone into it, perhaps that's why she always "let you get on with it"?

As for the nasty comments, that's unnecessary and it sounds like she has built up a bit of despise for you, you mention that she had kids for the sake of it, that's obviously not nice to hear, but sounds like she's never actually had an emotional connection with her children.

The bit about her going off and having her own life though, I don't think that's fair for you to judge really, she sounds like she has found her happy place in life and we all deserve one.

I think you could perhaps be coming across as ganging up on her by siding with your Dad every time?

Please don't think that I am trying to condone her actions because my own father was emotionally disconnected and it has left me an emotionless person, I now don't and can't rely on others for a shoulder to lean on because it was never there as a child. I sort of resonate with your mum with the independent sides of things.

Do you feel that you need approval from her? Not necessarily support as you say you're older now, but the things your saying, it sounds to me like you're trying to initiate a response out of your mum, other than the actual responses your getting?

Sometimes as you get older, and see how others live and have been brought up ... it begins to dawn on you that sometimes, your family are actually not very nice! I was in my 40s when I realised that I had actually had a cold unemotional mother, a selfish and vindictive father, a bitter, toxic sister and an unavailable, cold brother.

I have distanced myself from the lot (there was a big blow up with my father, and then my sister a few years later) and I am a lot happier.

It sounds like your mother is unavailable, emotionally, and she doens't actually make any effort to be what you would expect form a mother.

Maybe you need to realise that just because you are related, doesn't mean that these people are worth it!

Popcornbits, yes you are probably right, it may be just that hence my questioning as I would just like her to say, thats amazing or your puppy is lovely or just anything nice here but looking for this from her is not fair I guess and maybe its a matter of letting this go and thinking release yourself from her and be more independent of what she thinks now. It may be approval yes, only for more house things, personal never work strangely or friends....I guess its something I have always lacked from her and I am spending more time alone at home working from home and started a new business things are a little different for me and a tad more scary starting out on your own...a nice response would be a good start lol!

I think you need to let her go if I'm honest.

She's being bitter for a reason and you trying to gain her approval will only spur her on even more to be horrible.
I wouldn't keep trying, release yourself from her like you said. You'll be much happier for it.

I think so too, thank you....its quite sad but perhaps its what is now meant to be....

Bless you. You sound like a lovely person. You obviously inherited that from your dad!

I agree with the jealousy thing. She may also feel bad for how she parented you but is taking these feelings out on you.
It's probably a sign that you're doing well in life and she is bitter about her own past, it's her issu. She knows it will affect you, no doubt she is (unconsciously) repeating her own mothers behaviour. The only thing to do is to have boundaries, if she says something hurtful have it out with her.
If you feel bad after being with someone it's often a clue that they are offloading their own problems onto you.
Another tactic to try is ignoring/ a disinterested 'hmmmm, maybe' when she makes tricky comments.
Good luck, yes this is an unpleasant part of her but you can still enjoy the nice parts. It always hurts when it's your mum though, I do understand.

Thank you Sycamorewindmills thats v kind x

I'm sorry you are going through this

I am also sorry to say, at some point, if someone is just horrible to you, the reasons why may not matter. If you thought it was case of the two of you going to therapy or something....but it sounds like she won't change and I know I wouldn't forgive a parent who was so useless and unloving.

I think it sounds a lot like you are saying to yourself "why should I put up with this?" and in the past perhaps your answer to yourself was "she is my mum". I don't think it matters the blood relationship, someone who is so uncaring deserves to be cast adrift and you won't notice the difference, it's not like she's being loving to you.

Meant to say, prepare for it to worsen if you do become a mum. Same advice though: keep your boundaries, you sound pretty aware though x

She sounds very, very unhappy and scarred by her childhood. She built a hard shell to self protect and can't break it now. She was a chilly parent and is an even chillier mother to a happy and sorted daughter.

I don't imagine she's fully aware of how nasty she sounds to you but for all her lovely lifestyle, she's a lonely child still who is jealous of a loved puppy. Jealous of a happy family home and basically does the only thing she can to lash out: say spiteful things.

It could well be that the only people she can really be herself with are her family. You say she has friends so presumably she's better behaved with them? So she can control herself but something happens when she sees you in your settled life.

Could you write to her saying that much as you love her and empathise with the hard times she has endured,you cannot put up with any more nastiness. She has to seek help or address her issues if she wants to have a relationship with you.

Children brought up the way she was are often affected with attachment issues and this can go on to manifest as personality disorders. I sound very much like an armchair psychologist here but it does sound as if her behaviour is triggered by seeing a happy family home she never experienced and was unable to provide herself.

Good luck with finding a better place. I doubt she will take this well initially but in time things may improve if you approach it with concern not accusations and the sincere wish to help make things better.

TBH I would be glad she's found happiness so late in life and good for her.
Do you have a job or friends of your own? I think you are over analysing her and she wont change now.
Make a life for yourself. Get busy and then you wont even notice. I don't think she's jealous just exasperated.

Newjobsoon, yes I am out pretty much three times a week, if not more with my friends or my partner and our friends together, I'm at the gym pretty much everyday, socialise all the time and very happy about my life. I don't mind how many times she sees friends, she just talks about them and acts around them very differently, hence this strange false character detected around her that I feel slightly strange about, my partner even recognises it. She is the most charming women around, even I fall in love with her! lol

It must be odd to see your mother be someone different from the her you have known all your life.

But are you sure it's really fake? We all have many different facets to ourselves; some we change with age, some we grow into by necessity, and some wellng to be but never quite dare...

From what you've said, I wonder if her discontent with being a mother to young children, and even being the wifely role (that she seems to have stepped away from?), well, her discontent wasn't just about what she felt she had to do, but also about who she became when locked into those roles?

Maybe she did what she felt she had to, and ended up being a certain person, playing the roles in the only way she knew how, in a not very good way, and a not very happy way.

And now, at this later stage in life, sjesfound an outlet to the bits of her identity that have not been shown for a long time. And she's loving the person that she becomes with these friends, and doing these new things.

Now this next bit is more specilative(!), but here goes:

Is her nastiness always about your life in the home and family domain? If so, so you think she could be being defensive about the different ways you've chosen to live your life? And the person you are? So she's being aggressive as a defence to a criticism which isn't your intention?

Being defiant as her child makes a home in a way she could never do, warm and caring and loving? Being angry that by your choices, and by your very identity, you are 'showing her up'?

And by you asking, as you need some kind of validation from her, she might push back strongly, to reject that whole role and identity of herself as being someone who should be validating and supporting her family. Especially if she feels the social/emotional pressure to get back into that mother role, which she hates and feels constrains her... and has broken away from. So she could be deliberately being nasty but is only able to focus on her feelings about herself, and can't/won't think about what she behaviour is doing to you, her daughter.

I just ask as it's just the kind of thing my mother would do (as she's a warped and complicated kind of character, all twisted up inside about some things). I have a very distant and unmotherly relationship with my mother who plays out all sorts of weirdy fixations around old wounds and jealousies she has never got over, or put aside. Trying to be kind about it (trying, yes, it is indeed a trying situation grrr!!!) my mother grew up in a time where introspection and self analysis were not encouraged, and emotional / pyschological crap was expected to be locked away and ignored, rather than dealt with and healed from. My mother definitely felt trapped into gender and societal expectations, and festered in resentment rather than having the courage to break those rules, until late on in life.

I wonder what would happen if you gave HER your approval or recognition in some way, now that she has found a way to be the 'her' she likes being? To swap it round, as she's not in a place to give you what you seek...

I think a moment comes in our lives sooner or later where we see our parents, not as child to carer but as fellow adults with all their own baggage and personality. When this happens in a situation with a pretty mixed up parent its like we see all the bad at once. But gradually we can accept their failings, see them as broken and expect nothing from them as tbey are not capable of it. Leave your dm off to her own life. She sounds bitter and resentful after her own sad childhood. Stop expecting her to change as she wont but you will change in your attitude towards her as you step back. And dont collude with your df behind her back as thats unhealthy for you.