I REALLY want my relationship to work, but it just isn't.

[totheseaside]

We've tried relationship counselling. I was still making most of the effort; counsellor v liberal, wanting me to "accept" DH's unhelpful, laid back behaviours, also told me maybe I need to accept that DH doesn't communicate.
I've cancelled the counsellor as her views/ideas made me feel inadequate/unreasonable/silly which wasn't helping my self esteem.
We could have a really lovely life, we have a lovely house, lovely DCs, good jobs, he's a fabulous father. But he's a non-communicator, unambitious, tight with money, apathetic at times and quite sloppy.
It took a lot to get him to relationship counselling and him going was a major breakthrough, however, it's made me feel worse about our relationship.
I am so desperate for things to work. Is there anything else that I can do? Is taking a step back sometimes a positive move forward? I am on the verge of menatlly/emotionally/physically switching off from our relationship entirely. Is there ANYTHING that I can do to salvage what we have and maintain our lives as they are?

So you know your faults and you know his, the question is , is there any small hope that you can address the less desirable parts of yourselves and work together to try hard to minimise their effects of the relationship - or is it a no hoper? Letting go of all past resentment and moving forward? Or is it just truly f*cked?

Have you been the same in other relationships or are you reacting to him? From your list, it seems you could be hard work to live with.

Before I separated from stbxh I stood back and looked at my own behaviour and recognised I could be irritable (mostly pms).I resolved to fix that and made good progress..I felt I had put sustained effort into the marriage for months but H remained nasty.It gave me confidence to leave as I knew I had tried and h was just abusive..not reacting to me.
As you can't change him, change an area of yourself that will develop and grow you as a person..at least you will then know you will not have regrets.

I was married to a man like this, no life goals, couldn't communicate with, a very basic existence. I couldn't take it no more as I started to resent him an the frustration was crippling so I ended it. I'm much happier on my own and the frustration has lifted. He's still the same with the kids, good father and good provider but that's about it

You seem very happy to want to go counselling as long as they agree with you and want to change your husband. Try and deal with your faults first and if nothing else changes then leave. You can't expect him to change if you aren't also willing to do so. In fact neither of you should have to change, you both aren't suited to living with eachother and the decision is a hard one to make but even if you talk at him and decide form there. No point trying to make yourself look good by being miserable and in turn making your kids miserable.