Unhealthy, intense friendship

[Charlotte111]

I have a very close friend (female) but I often feel the friendship is not good for me. She is great fun and I know she adores me (we go back a long way and our lives are hugely entwined and I can't imagine us ever not being in each other's lives) but she has an unpredictable, slightly erratic side that I find very hard to deal with. I know I need to take a step back from her emotionally and not let the way she is affect me, but our day to day lives are so linked. I wish I could just brush it off when she does something I find hard (like cancelling a plan or brushing me off when she's got 100 things going on), but she's so important to me that I tend to take it really personally and overreact. When she's in the right mood, we have such a lovely time and this keeps drawing me back to her even though I know it's not healthy. I feel a bit like a puppet on a string at times. It's hard to make any kind of break...partly as our lives are so entangled, but also as always pops back up (normally messaging) whenever I try and create some distance. It's really hard.

Why is she bad for you, not clear from the post

Just because she can be quite selfish in the way she thinks and acts at times..she's not nasty but she just has a huge amount going on in her life and can't really give our friendship the headspace that I can. I tend to try and think things through quite carefully and be quite considerate whereas she very much lives in the moment. I love her to bits though and always end up being far too emotional about her.

I'm a bit like your friend.
I always have loads going on and have to re-jig/cancel at times. I always apologise and when I do spend time with my closest friends I.let them know how much I enjoy it each time. If shes a true friend when she is around (gives her full attention, listens, gives helpful advice, is fun) and is not all me,me,me then accept her for who she is and enjoy time together when you get it ❤

Charlotte I am like you, maybe we should be friends?

I have the same sort of issues with one of my friends. For me I realised it was my problem not hers. She was like that when I met her, she is like that with other people. I figured out for me I was letting her treat me in a way I didnot like as I was dependant on her and so didnot want to rock the boat.

So when she cancelled on me instead of letting it get to me privately and agreeing to her reschedule or whatever. I said something along the line of that's a shame I had already made x,y,z plans but accepted it. Then I became less available at the drop of a hat and stopped changing my plans to suit her. Low and behold she started to treat me better and value our friendship.

When I find myself slipping back into old habits of being subservient and placating the waters I remind myself that actually I like 'us' more when I have a bit of distant. Quality not quantity and all that.

I think that's so true...that thing of just being a bit less available. It's very hard though. She's sparkly and fun, and has the ability to make me feel really special when she's in the right mood. I always end up feeling like a bit of a mug though as she can switch quite quickly and I get upset. I hate myself for being so needy as it's not like me at all really. She has such a special place in heart though.

I know I need to change how I react fundamentally. It's unfair to expect other people to change. Also I think my expectations of her are too high, because we do have such history together, which is also unfair. I just need to work on being more blasé and not letting this one particular friendship take up so much headspace.

You are so right. It is totally hard, especially when in the short term she makes you feel good. I'm the same with my friend. But it's a bit like a glass of wine sometimes you have to remember that the hangover is not worth it and actually lemonade can be just a good!

That's such a great analogy! Female friendships can be wonderful but also tricky. I kind of envy that she loves me to bits but can dip in and out of our friendship whereas for me, the way she is towards me starts to underpin my emotional state. I don't think phones help these days. Its sometimes like having your friends with you all the time in your back pocket...!!

Totally and then throw in instagram and Facebook
And I am a total mess!

It sounds like she cares about you but has a lot going on. I sympathise because I'm a similar way - it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care.

And sorry, but it sounds like the unhealthy aspect is coming from your side - maybe she's trying to set some boundaries?

Not sure I agree with you dinosaurs?

You've had some good advice on here op. Perhaps look at pacing yourself with regard to her - practise putting in some boundaries with her and yourself. Start small and build up over time.

You sound great btw. The 'It's not fair to expect others to change' comment shows great insight. If you can get that - not many people can including me! you can definitely manage pacing yourself with regard to her and your friendship.

It sounds like you have a good thing going between you. That sort of friendship is worth a lot - a detailed and shared history - so it's worth hanging on to; you just need to do some tweeking to protect yourself.

Is it possible that you come across as suffocating? I know two women who are very close, busy woman but one tends to "need" the other more.

In what way is her life busier than yours? Job, family?

I feel that your opening post, if written from your friend's perspective, could read very differently ...
I think your friend sounds normal, with a normal life where she has other stuff going on.
You are emotionally over-invested in the friendship, and it's not healthy that your emotional wellbeing rests on how she is treating you.

I had a friendship like this. I absolutely adored her . She was always very busy, I was less busy and would shunt things around to make time for her. In the end I felt so taken for granted and got so cross about lots of small things that I didn't return her calls, and that led to me not seeing her for several years. I missed her terribly, and when we finally met and talked, she had been so devastated that she'd even gone for counselling. I still feel so guilty about that. We have our friendship back now and I see what a waste of time that break was. She is an amazing person, but much more driven than me, so she crams as much as she can into her time. I've just accepted the things about her that will never change, and I now see all the positives in that. I suppose I've properly come to loving her for what she is rather than for just the parts that were great for our friendship. Really great friendships are not that common, I think it would be a huge mistake to try and end yours.