arguments about money

[user1496918336]

I'm posting as need some advice..

Me and DP have started to argue about money..a lot..We never used to in the past but things have changed since we had our DS.

When we met we both worked full time and earned a reasonable salary, he is 14 years older and earns more than me. Regardless of that when we moved in together (I moved in to a house he owns) we split our household costs 50-50. We opened a joint account and both payed in identical sum to cover bills, council tax, food etc. I have offered to pay some money in towards a small mortgage he has on the house but he didn't want that.
At that time I had no issues with this set up. He would pay for some holidays and I would pay for some - it was roughly 50-50. He payed for most of our dinners/dates because he said he wanted to.

Fast forward to the present and I feel resentful and he thinks I have unreasonable expectations.

I got pregnant and continued to work till 9th months and went on maternity for 8 months (wanted to do a year but didn't as felt I needed to start earning again as soon as possible).

We continued putting equal amounts of money to the joint account through my maternity even though I was on SMP only from 12weeks.
When I had to dip into my savings I told him I'm not happy with the set up and as I'm not earning he should be paying more He agreed but never amended the amounts payed into the joint account and as a result I never cancelled my contributions (we would have gone into overdraft very quickly as all bills go as direct debits). When I tell him that now he says he started to do all shopping on his credit card so he was contributing more.

I went back to work 4 days/week rather than 5 as didn't want DS in the nursery full time at such a young age. He supported that. I'm earning 80% of what I used to before pregnancy but we split childcare cost 50-50 (DS is 1.5, it's A LOT) and continue to put 50-50 into our joint account.

I told him that I think it's unfair and maybe we could consider a percentage approach rather than equal amounts payed in - i.e i pay 40% of my wages into the joint and he pays 40% of his. He called me a communist and exploded that he uses his credit card for shopping frequently therefore he is contributing more and I'm unreasonable.

I said I want to start claiming child benefit (not doing that as due to his income he would need to pay it back as tax), he started to shout that I want to destroy our relationship.

He has also told me that I'm living rent free in his house and need to take that into account.That has hurt me as I have sacrificed a lot (career is on hold at the moment) to have our family and would bloody prefer to live in a house that's mine and pay a mortgage anyway. I told him that if he wants me to calculate taking into account rent I would hypothetically have to pay he should take into account child maintenance he would hypothetically have to pay...
I'm feeling bloody awful about it all..I have no idea what I have done wrong and why money has become such an issue.

We were talking about getting married later in the year but I don't think there is any point as we just continue to hurt each other.

this is not someone that you should spend the rest of your life with. It is crystal clear what his attitude to you is and it isn't good. You need to become independent again, do NOT marry him.

Your partner sounds horrible. He's greedy, selfish and vindictive. He clearly sees no value in the fact that you are the mother of his own child. He only cares about money.

Fuck me - rent free in his house?? I'd be making plans to get out.

Leave, op. You are being treated very unfairly. I think he is the freeloader, not you.

Been there OP and it's not pretty and won't change. As difficult as it may seem I would urge you to move on without him, and that will be very much easier as you are not married.

Working part-time and without the financial security marriage would give you means you are very vulnerable.

Good luck OP. He does not respect your role as his partner and mother of HIS child. Pathetic.

Well, he hasn't married you because he cares more about his bank balance than his partner and child, for a start. He wants all the money, and you, and his children brought up for him free. Oh, and his bills paid for him - by you.

That's really weird, and not in a good way. What a ghastly man. The very fact that he argued with you when you suggested he contribute is bad, bad news OP.

Rent free was the line that suggests you need to leave. No one with children and who has contributed so much is deserving of that line.

Outrageous attitude. You are the mother of his child, you more than pay your way as a percentage of your income - your suggestion of 40 per cent was equitable and fair - and he is apparently committed to marrying you in a few months and he is treating you like this?

No way! How dare he accuse you of trying to destroy the relationship... when he is exploiting YOU!

Other people will be along with the mathematical argument, but this man is showing you his inner misogynist. He is being a financial bully.

No wonder you are confused and hurt. He thinks he can bully you into submission by 'exploding' every now and then in a fit of fake outrage when you suggest splitting things more fairly, now that your income has changed. Gordon Bennett, you've grown a small child, gone back to work AND are paying more than your fair share in childcare. Yes, I do think you are entitled to child benefit, since he is not paying the fair whack of expenses involved in having your child.

He is showing contempt for you. He is treating you like this because he thinks he can. He thinks he has the power because now you have a child he knows you might be more dependent and vulnerable and believes you won't leave him however badly he behaves. Who wants to be with a man who'll kick you when you are vulnerable?

Frankly, he is being a shit. Don't marry him and show him that he can't get away with this. You are not destroying this relationship, he is. And you need to tell him that if he carries on like this you won't be with him, let alone marrying him. Show him you won't be pushed around. He is bullying you so that you creep around trying not to upset him. Fuck that!

P.s. How excited is he about getting married? Only ask coz then you would own half the house and marital assets then... considering the power games he is playing now, I'd be surprised if he was really going to go through with it...he's not exactly demonstrating a 'sharing' attitude, is he? Sorry to be so blunt. Be strong.

Him saying I'm living in his house rent free has hit quite hard.

Before moving in with him I was renting a flat in a city center and paying £650/month for it, he knew that of course, and said yesterday that I had the additional £650 and I can save it, therefore I am benefiting in our current arrangement.

He seemed excited about getting married but it wasn't his idea really. I feel like I have pushed it :(.

Re security without marriage - when I was pregnant he wrote a Will so that in case anything happened DS and me would be protected. I have taken additional life insurance to equalize things as I don't own a house.

I don't want to be a single mother, I don't want our son to grow up without a dad....not long ago I I loved this men, he loves his son and I thought he loved me..I just don't understand what has happened.

Your DS won't grow up without a father. He will be perfectly capable of having a relationship with his own child if you were to separate. And in my experience my ex-'DP' has a better relationship with our DS than when we were together. It's not ideal and not what I wanted for my child. But the fault lay firmly at his feet for being a misogynistic shit and making my life a misery when DS was a baby.

He may get a shock and get his shit together if he thinks you are serious about leaving. But you would have to be sure he was completely genuine.

Good luck OP 🌺

have a set amount of money each per month (same amount) transferred from joint account for personal spending. All other bills including food, childcare, mortgage etc paid on joint account. All income into joint account . At end of each month see whats left in joint account and split between you. If you are a "family" thats perfectly fair he sounds from the "whats yours is mine, and whats mine is my own" school of economics.

I have just separated from my partner who was EXACTLY like this. In fact I could have written this post. He has always earned more than me but I've always paid half of everything (which I didn't mind). When I went back to work 3 days per week after DS1, he used to make comments about me being part-time and eventually he bullied me into increasing my hours.

He was made redundant and I had to go full time again just to be able to pay the rent and bills. That didn't stop him bullying me about money when he finally got another job.
I supported him through 3 bouts of unemployment but he was still abusive with money when he was working. if I ever reminded him of how all my savings were gone due to him not working, he would just snap "not my fault though is it".
He got one very well paid job and I went back to part time but he still made me pay half of everything (even though I was saving us on childcare).
I could go on and on but, what I'm telling you is that men like this won't change. Your DP sounds obsessed with money. To be tittle tattling about who pays for what is just not good for a relationship. Its like playing top trumps.
That is one of the main reasons I have split from my partner. I put up with it for years and he never changed one bit.
Please don't marry him.

Thing is, if you do an ultimatum, you have to go through with it if he doesn't step up.

Awful for you OP. My ex, incidentally, has just been ejected by his new wife for displaying very similar behaviour - expecting to make money out of his lady love. I booted him for it, she married him; lasted six months. He also hassled her to get pregnant, with no intention whatsoever of supporting her or the child, let alone himself. Guess who's back with mummy as he celebrates entry into middle age.

I guess the way forward might be to take DP out and talk to him about it. Tell him the wedding's off for starters. Then say look love, fond as I am, I'd be better off on the dole than as your wife. So would your son. Is that really the man you are?

Do it more in sorrow than in anger, see what happens. Leave it to him - this is crucial - to fix things.

In the meantime, find out how much local rents are, benefits etc.