Those of you who have inlaws THAT SEEM TO IGNORE YOUR KIDS how long before you.........

[drosophila]

decide enough is enough if you can't treat me or my kids with a little consideration it's will be a long time before we visit.

My DP's parents:

-never visit us (we live an hour away)
-forget birthdays (not even a card)
-never ask about the kids etc.....

I am at the stage now that I would quite happily stop visiting but feel I can't say this to DP. DP agrees that their lack of regard for two of their grandchildren when other granchildren are showered with gifts etc is unacceptable but they are still his family. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

Hi drosophila,

You have my sympathies; in my case its my parents as well as my outlaws who show disinterest.

Your partner needs to talk with his parents and explain how you both feel. Do you know why they are showing such disinterest?. Are health considerations a factor or are there other factors behind their apparant disinclination (they have lots of grandchildren already?).

None of this though excuses their behaviour; as stated I have a total lack of interest from my parents re their grandson and the outlaws are not much better. Both of you need to present a united front to them but you and DP need to talk to each other about this openly.

Its also down to the inlaws as well to make an effort because it will be they who will lose out ultimately.

Can you think of a possible reason for it? Do they disapprove of you, for example?

Could you or your DP talk to them about it? My parents were always more wrapped up in my kids than my brother's, but they made a special effort to treat them all equally.

Stop visiting until they come, they'll start complaining really quickly and then you'll have your chance to explain.

Months can go by without us visiting not deliberate just the way it happens. In DD'd first year they probably saw her 5 times all as a result of our visiting.

I have two theories:

1. DP was their least fav child and now so are his children.
2. They see the kids as my kids (being a woman) and not their son'd kids.

My parents are fairly useless in this dept Dp's are dead so we don't see them.I have always found it annoying but by an amazing coincidence I have been talking to a friend today about this.She is the sister of my oldest and best friend who just happens to live near me now.I have always envied them as I assumed their mum was lovely brill gran etc as she was so much nicer than my mum when we were growing up(teenagers).Turns out she is exactly the same as my mum disinterested and a pretty hopeless granparent so it is quite widespread which has made me feel better xx

I am with Attila here-it is my Father and his wife (of 20 yrs) who make no effort with dd.
Ia m the eldest and therefore apparently don't need the support that the others ger (aged 20,22 and 34).

Oh and the fact that he is a bigotted barsteward and I have been in a same sex relationship for 13 yrs probably has something to do with it.

Not convinced blood is thicker than water but if you are to stop the visits then you must have dp's support or it will be you who gets the blame....

In fact,in the end,the kids will suss it and make the decision for you I reckon.

Whoosh I do wonder when they will realise that their cousins are more favoured than they are. DS is 7 and can be a handful but in all honesty his behaviour falls within normal parameters. He is doing exceptionally well at school and his teacher is always telling us how bright he is and once when I decided to share the latest gem with DP's mum. Do you know what she said?

'Well he didn't get it from his father' . she meant it too. DP struggled at school not from want of intelligence but from want of support. He was labelled at a really young age and the label stuck..It didn't help that his brother got either first or second place in Kent in the 11+.

You see why I think DP being the least fav child is having an effect.

I reached this stage on our last visit to the inlaws
They are not interested or don't know how to interact with their grandson and prefer to get on with their own stuff when we visit

Previously I would suggest to DH that maybe he should call them or we should visit. I have stopped doing this. If he wants to visit them in the next year he can go but I won't.

Reduced contact is working for me!

I wouldn?t feel obliged to visit just because they?re family. My sil is a bit like this. We don?t visit her either though and I don?t feel any need to ensure that my ds has a relationship with her, in fact, and I may get shot for saying this, my ds doesn?t really like her as she can?t interact with him, and in a way I am secretly glad he doesn?t like her as she?s never bothered with him since he was born.

But on the other side, she?s my dh?s sister and I can?t prevent him from seeing her, or even from inviting her to come and stay etc as that would just make me the bad guy. So I just ignore the fact that she exists until dh mentions her.

DHs mother is crazy about our two boys. We are shortly due to adopt a two year old girl and although the process has been going on for ages and DH has talked to her about it, neither she nor FIL ever mention it or ask about it, as though they hope it's a bad dream that will go away. I feel hurt on the little girl's behalf and hope it will change when they get to know her, because I can foresee 'interesting' times ahead otherwise!!

Drosophila-that is my greatest fear.

I know when my siblings have children they will be treated completely differently and I just don't know how I will cope with it.

The lioness in me will probably come out or we will cease all contact-whichever is less painful for dd at the time I guess....

I think I am getting less tolerant as I get older or as they get worse. I'm not sure. Sad thing is I don't think it would matter to them if they never or rarely saw my two kids again.

I have discussed this with DP and we both reckon that the only time when they might perk up and realise that they hadn't seen us would be if they didn't see us at Christmas. Oh yes I think lets not go at all at Christmas but the nicer side of me thinks that's not fair on DP. It is hard for him I think.

I was the same as theblonde, after a year of see il's once every month to 6weeks and having mil telling dd (3yrs old) to sit and look at a book like her two older cousins do. She hasn't stayed in the same place for more then two mins since she found she could rollover.

I hate the way she speaks to dh, keeps bringing up things that happened nearly 30yrs ago when he was a child, and the pure hatred in her voice. So i stop asking him if he had spoken to her or did her want to see them the weekend.

He is not the favorite child as his brother and sister have got degrees, he did go to university but the computer course he was doing was already 3 years out of date, so he decided if he could get a job doing what he wanted during the summer break then he would not be going back, his mother has never forgiven him, he left home the same day and never lived at home since.

Sorry i have gone off on a minor rant. I would all would say, is leave him to contact them at the same time give him all the support that he needs.

I would back off if i was you. If your dh wants to see his parents and wants his children to have a relationship with them he or the IL's should be the ones to instigate it.

I have spent years trying to mend dh's relationship with his parents all to no avail. They haven't even bothered to come and see dd2 who is nearly 9 months.

Why put your energy into a relationship where the effore/ love etc isnt reciprocated?

well same here
my dad remarried when i was 9 and they had a dd together she already had a ds
i am 14yrs older than my sister, my stepmom pretends to be intrested but never visits only 4 birthdays and always at last min (bedtime) they live 5mins drive away
i go to theirs quite a bit
my boys are 9 and 10 and neither mine or dh family have babysitted for us
when my sister had her baby (10 mths ago) stepmom said this is my first grandchild everytime i go round they have the baby she sleeps over 3-4 times a week

upset at first but getting over it

went up yesterday with flowers etc for mothers day and she had made a lovely sunday dinner for my sister and her partner and her son and his partner and they were all sat there having a lovely time, so i just came home was pretty upset felt like i had entrupted their family setting

aww thats horrible for you Dmo!
why are some step families so cruel!?
(Bellarosa blows a big rasberry at them!)