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Original poster

Ultimate online shopping therapy

28 replies

Shoppingdad · 08/06/2017 01:28

So the header caught your attention, eagerly looking for a spot of retail therapy...

How do you identify, communicate and stop an habitual clothes shopper? Boden gives her shivers, 'we' own one of each colour of everything. Unworn, hidden in cupboards, wardrobes bulging, a garage full of boxes, boxes full of clothes.

How many thousands have to be spent each month on stuff one will not wear before reality hits?
Why can't she see we don't have holidays because she spends her salary and "never asks for anything" yet I pay for everything else?
Why is it always down to my unreasonable quest for money, to have something for the future and not just a house full of clothes?
Why do I become the bad one for paying significant sized credit card bills she runs up? At the same time she is selling some clothes and took 16,000 which I can only imagine went back into newer clothes!

Do I call it a day as she isn't getting this after 20 years?

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 08/06/2017 01:48

Why the stunt thread title? Hmm

swinging · 08/06/2017 06:14

You know you're on the Style and Beauty board, right?

Hmm
SandysMam · 08/06/2017 06:20

Ask for this to be moved to relationships OP, all sounds like legitimate problems and you will get some great advice there.

P.S maybe she shops because you pull tricks such as this "stunt title" and don't actually communicate properly! Maybe you are irritating in real life causing her to look for a distraction on line?

SerfTerf · 08/06/2017 06:36

I smell a patronising misogynistic wally TBH.

Niminy · 08/06/2017 07:48

Compulsive shopping is a real problem with horrible effects for the shopper and his/her family. I think the faux-light-hearted tone here might well mask desperation, but I agree that it might be better to move this to the relationships board.

I do remember though some great threads on here where posters reflected on their shopping habits, so it's not completely misplaced.

OwlBeBack · 08/06/2017 07:49

Come again? Confused

Sycamorewindmills · 08/06/2017 08:03

It's a horrible addiction for some people. The internet has made it so very easy to buy things compulsively. I've a friend whose husband buys so much that she can't get into many of the rooms in her home, they are so stuffed with unpacked stuff.

Crochita · 08/06/2017 08:26

Excessive and or compulsive shopping is connected to my anxiety and OCD. I hoard, not in a great big mess way but everything stored neatly away. It is a horrible feeling to receive something in the post and feel terribly excited upon opening the box only to see that the item you have bought is either incredibly similar to a dozen others you have already bought or even worse the knowledge that you have made the identical purchase many times before.

Compulsive shopping often brings pleasure when you buy it but that euphoria quickly dissipates as you pack it away never to be used or worn.

I've had years of overhaul buying and finally I am now in control a lot more and set myself limits. Sudden stress or anxiety can strike though and I feel compelled to buy something lovely. Just being aware that low feelings can trigger the need to buy does help.

The person in your op needs help and I suggest you look on the mental health boards to seek information for yourself and the troubled person.

OCSockOrphanage · 08/06/2017 08:33

I do think it's a real problem, although it's hardly new. Remember Gerald's despair in the Full Monty? But this belongs in Relationships.

pigeondujour · 08/06/2017 08:40

From the state of that thread title and your tone it's obvious you're a halfwit misogynist and I hope you do call it a day; she deserves better.

MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 08/06/2017 10:41

Hi OP,

We're just going to move this over to relationships for you.

Original poster
Shoppingdad · 08/06/2017 11:04

I most certainly am not anti woman, I am anti excessive shopping.
It's hurting the family unit, kids miss out because one salary supports all and the other salary buys unnecessary stuff.

Perhaps you look to label rather than have a positive or meaningful input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoppingdad · 08/06/2017 11:05

Thank you to those who have taken the time to acknowledge the problem and point me in the right direction.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 08/06/2017 11:35

If you're genuinely seeking positive input why would you do the tired old cliche of tempting women in with references to shopping?

Other shopping addicts are hardly the people to ask for help, are they?

"Come on in you know can't resist a sparking shopping opportunity. Right, caught you! Now psychoanalyse my silly wife, who is similarly afflicted." It's just a very odd gambit.

thestamp · 08/06/2017 20:04

Have you had counselling at all to help deal with this?

I'm sorry to harp on it but choosing a "stunt title" and then implicitly insulting the female readers who open your thread tell me that you aren't a very good communicator, which may be exacerbating the problems in your relationship.

Your wife is who she is, and has been this way for 20 years. It's highly unlikely she will change. I think you have to choose if you want to carry on this way, or end it and find another partner who is a better fit for you. But getting that individual counselling for yourself, to understand how things got this bad and stayed bad for so long, will help you pick a better partner next time.

GeekyWombat · 08/06/2017 20:15

"Come on in you know can't resist a sparking shopping opportunity. Right, caught you! Now psychoanalyse my silly wife, who is similarly afflicted." It's just a very odd gambit.

This...

dangerrabbit · 08/06/2017 20:36

My godmother spent 25k on haberdashery (material, wool, dressmaking items) behind her husband's back and they did separate for a while after being married 30 years but are now back together. I'm not privy to the dynamics of their marriage but from what my mum tells me (it's my mum's best friend), it sounded like communication was an issue in their relationship. Would you say this is an issue in your relationship as well OP? Does she do other things to disrespect you as well? How long has this been a problem and how long have you know about it? How have you tried to address it with her?

Original poster
Shoppingdad · 09/06/2017 02:40

It's been twenty years in the brewing, about as long as we have been together. At first it wasn't as apparent, now it's very as the house is bursting.
It's been discussed many times, each with acknowledgement, each time it drifts back in. Posting goods to her parents, friends, work and then home. Empty packaging hidden around the home, in her car...
I will look elsewhere for help.
This isn't the right place for me.
Thanks to those who offered sensible advise, the others, well you can fill in your own righteous blanks.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 09/06/2017 11:08

Horrible misandry on this thread. Why dont you just stop it you're making yourselves look horrendous.

TatianaLarina · 09/06/2017 12:21

It sounds like a bona fide addiction/compulsion OP.

Have you given her an ultimatum that she gets help with it?

Has she ever written down all she spends over a year and faced it?

You need to stop paying her credit card bills. Even if it means cutting up joint cards. Insist she gets her own personal one so she can see in black and white what she's spending.

KeyChange · 09/06/2017 13:49

I'm not a compulsive shopper but I understand the pleasure of buying and how it feels like a treat for myself. Can you talk to her and persuade her not to hide her habit and then when new things arrive she can openly assess whether it's a keeper or something to be returned? Quite often I return stuff so I get the shopping buzz at no cost.

I'm no mental health expert so apologies if that sounds facile.

Alternatively can you sit down with household budget and agree how costs are split?

It's a tricky one. Financial security is very important to me. My ex was a spender/lender and I used to bail him out of his overdraft every month. We're separated now and there is a bit of relief that he won't drag me down in my old age. He's now in terrible debt after hooking up with another spendy type.

SerfTerf · 09/06/2017 14:43

Would you mind keeping discussion to the boards OP instead of resorting to strange passive-aggressive PMs?

tccat · 09/06/2017 19:12

What a hard time the poster is getting!!
it's a terrible situation and no different to say a gambling addiction
Family money is being spent recklessly as the expense of the children and a good lifestyle
I would be insisting she gets some kind of help/counselling and if she refused I would be seriously rethinking the relationship
She needs a short sharp shock to make her realise what she is doing and what she stands to lose

Mellifera · 09/06/2017 19:26

tccat
The way he goes about asking for advice is a bit ... strange?

OP
I'd suggest you change username and start again, with a normal, non-goady post. Something like

My wife spends all her salary on clothes, she's addicted to shopping, it's causing problems, how can I help her?

HTH

tccat · 09/06/2017 19:38

Ah it was maybe a misguided attempt to get people to notice the thread
Anyone can see he's at the end of his rope with it, and rightly so
Doesn't warrant an absolute pasting over it