I've wanted to post here for some time about the breakdown of my relationship but resisted because I was very emotional, going from being upset and angry to remorseful and considering a reconciliation. Only now, two months later, do I feel able to see things more objectively and would appreciate your thoughts on my next steps. If you have been in a similar situation then I'd really like to know how it worked out for you. I have NC for this as DH knows my user name.
I was with my DH for 6 years, 2 of them married.
We have known each other at a distance for a long time but met through a mutual family member and it was a big shock to me when he told me how he felt about me as I had no idea. At the time, I was emotionally vulnerable having gone through some pretty horrific personal experiences so I was flattered and we started a relationship although we lived at opposite ends of the country for the first two years. I always saw him as a good, stable man.
I've always known that he has a very different outlook to me. I'm very private but liberal in my attitude to most things. My friends come from all kinds of backgrounds and I judge most people as I find them. I have a DD and have always encouraged her to be herself, in a safe way of course, to take life's opportunities, to have an opinion and to follow her own course in life. She's still only 16 but I'm very proud how things have worked out for her so far.
My DH on the other hand is very open and Victorian in his attitudes. He doesn't identify with anyone who isn't like him, finds fault in everyone and everything and places no value whatsoever on education or following dreams. He's a gossip.
In the early days, we did balance each other out somewhat. He'd give his opinion if he thought I was being too liberal and I'd try to encourage him to try new things and meet new people.
He put himself across to me as being a hard worker, striving to do the best for his family, strong, generous and would always take care of me.
Fast forward two years and he moved in with me. Up to that point, he was "unlucky" in finding work and I paid for everything except the small bills on his own house. A year later we are planning to get married and he still didn't go out to work. He said he didn't like were we lived (I've always lived here so he knew where he was coming to), he didn't feel like he wanted to establish his business as he was unsure whether he could live here, he had no friends but made no attempts to make any. Basically he sat on the sofa all day, telling me what a hardworking, solid individual he was but none of it translated into action.
I continued to pay for everything, including loaning him money, but made one fatal mistake in that I didn't tell him I was running out of money and couldn't keep him anymore. I was embarrassed, I thought after all the convincing, encouraging, nagging I'd tried so he would go out to work would make him see sense. Also, I didn't want him to be involved in my finances because I was now unsure whether he was just with me for money.
Last year, 18 months after he moved in with me having paid absolutely nothing towards housekeeping, I told him he'd need to start going out to work and making a contribution towards our bills as I couldn't afford to do it any longer.
It seems this was the catalyst for him seeing me in a different light. I was no longer his saviour but he was now having to support me albeit I wasn't asking for much.
He'd always been somewhat controlling but I didn't let him get away with it but now that I needed him, he ramped up the control and reacted to everything with passive aggressive anger. We started arguing and I felt I was always under attack, every conversation was like going into combat. I started shaping what I told him to avoid a reaction. Of course, I was effectively lying but felt I had no choice. I noticed my friends really didn't come round anymore and I began to feel isolated.
He began, very subtly, bringing my DD into it. We all have faults but he seemed to enjoy bringing hers into open conversation and embarrassing her. That made me even more defensive.
When I went to work, he convinced himself I was having an affair with every single man I came into contact with. He wanted me to sell up and move to the arse end of the country. My DD was never a consideration to him, just an opinionated inconvenience.
Two months ago, we got into an argument and he threw me across the room into a glass cabinet. I called the police but they didn't press charges because it was my word against his even though I was covered head to foot in bruises. I put him out and he moved back to his own house.
The first couple of weeks were terrible. He'd courted my neighbours and shared personal and financial information about me to them. He made up whatever lies he needed to to make me look like the bad guy. He discussed our private business with anyone who would listen but most of it was contrived. We sent horrible messages to each other, mainly based on anger. He stopped my access to bank accounts so I was left with no money.
As the anger subsided, we were able to speak to each other without argument. He asked me whether we could try and work things out to which I replied that I would be prepared to discuss everything that happen via a mediator as we have such a different perspective on things. He said there's no point in doing that because he knows what the problem is - my DD. Yes, he's settled on the fact she is to blame. She doesn't like him, no she doesn't but that's because of how he's treated me and in no way does her not liking him justify how he has behaved.
So, he's coming here tomorrow to collect some things. He's staying in a local hotel for a couple of days and wants to spend some time together away from everything. I don't want to be a divorced woman. I took my wedding vows seriously and despite lots of bad times, we have had good times, normally when we are away from the pressures of regular life.
However, is there hope with this man that I he can work on himself significantly to change his poor attitude to many aspects of life that most people take for granted. Can I rebuild trust in him? How will that work with my DD as her welfare is my first priority.
I am very confused as on paper, everything I have is telling me to walk away.